Category Archives: From the heart

Second chances…..

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Second Chances….

 

“A lifetime isn’t forever, so take the first chance, don’t wait for the second one! Because sometimes, there aren’t second chances! And if it turns out to be a mistake? So what! This is life! A whole bunch of mistakes! But if you never get a second chance at something you didn’t take a first chance at? That’s true failure.” – C. Joybell C.

I am feeling slightly whimsical as I share this amazing second chance that I am getting because it seems to me more and more each day that to many of us, life is a game of numbers and whilst there might some deep seated conviction in that school of thought, I dare to remind us of the age long story of the seven blind men of Mumbai who after years of walking in blindness from birth were so fascinated by the different tales of the magnificent beast called the elephant. And so the story goes, that they were given their first chance of meeting this creature and like most blind men, their senses of comprehension were to a great extent determined by their sense of feel. The end result was quite compelling because depending on the anatomy of the elephant that they felt, their description was inextricably defined by what they felt. To one, it was a rope; to another it was a wall and yet to another it was a snake, a tree trunk and so on and on. Now I dare to surmise that our own comprehension of life is largely defined by our experiences and so dare to take on new opportunities at defining life for yourself and whilst you may not be entirely wrong, realize that nobody but the Creator has the full picture.

It is the wee hours of another day and I am as usual unable to sleep, tossed down my levetiracetam and my gabapentin and my clonazepam and still sleep eludes me but then it has never been about the things that you cannot do but those things that you can when you can and so instead of me griping about this bout of insomnia, I choose to spend the time doing something I love. I have moved into a different part of the world borne on the tails of medical research, the search for a solution to this neurological disorder and divine purpose and it is actually more like a breath of revitalizing wind because I can now say that what I had in the past compares in no way to what I have now. I was blown away by the unfeigned interest by the consultants at one of the world’s renowned Institute for Rehabilitation and Research and despite the rigorous examination conducted, I had the overwhelming sense of being in the right place at the right time. In the words of my PCP, this is going to be a long and expensive battle but again what victory can best be described as sweetened except one that has been hard fought, for indeed the spoils of victory are best appreciated when the bones are screaming from the fatigue of engagement….so bring it on! “I’m okay today. I’ll be okay tomorrow. And the next day after that I’ll still be okay. But in a year you will see me, I’ll be amazing.“

I am inundated on all sides by the feeble attempts of those who stand close, trying to bring me down but life’s best lessons are learnt in the valleys of adversity for therein you can but learn and truly learn what it means to encourage yourself in The One who defines you. I have met a couple of new people that I already know are going to be an inextricable part of my story and that is what family is about. I have always had etched at the back of my mind that there can exist no vacuum in life and it is a personal choice to set your worries aside and delve deep into the life of one who seemingly seems more burdened than you. For in serving, there really lies leadership. We are surrounded on all sides by individuals who are too scared to be themselves but prefer instead to lurk in the shadows of who they think the world wants them to be and that I know is one battle that you will never win. For in our individuality lies the uniqueness of our paths on earth and these paths must be taken whether they appear as a first chance or a second chance, it is up to you. I just found out that my kid sister is moving into their own apartment and that is a worthy venture and I celebrate with them however truth be told that the golden fleece is usually never where we expected it to be and so the onus is on us to bestir ourselves of lethargy and ascertain our purpose and go after it.

I have been assailed most severely by the intricacies of this journey with Myoclonus and Spino celebral Disease but I made the choice not to be swallowed up by the feelings of isolation and even as the icy flakes and the winds threatened to push me towards wandering around in hopelessness, I made a choice to just stop and look back at where I have come and realize that where I am going is just a matter of getting my bearings right. There has to be for each and every one of us, that point where we consciously cease whatever we are doing and take our bearings in order to get to where we ought to be. Spending vital moments wallowing in resentment and bitterness will definitely take you no further than where you have already found yourself and I say again that it is never too late to begin again. Out with the muddy, sordid experiences of the past because then and only then can the light of God’s leading clearly illuminate our paths and guide us to an end that defies our feeble understanding.

“Some things just couldn’t be protected from storms. Some things simply needed to be broken off…Once old thing were broken off, amazingly beautiful thing could grow in their place.” – Denise Hildreth Jones
We have before us yet another chance to get it right and today is the right time, and just like Steve Martins in the classic movie ‘Leap of Faith’, we just have to trust someone that can be trusted and begin from there because when you are hitched right, you will get to realize that with Him is no variableness or shadow of turning. What He says He will do, He surely will but pause and take a bearing and realize that the chance that awaits you right now, as scary as it may seem is the one that you just have to take and with those few tottering steps, every new day brings in such an infusion of strength that you can only attest that you are better off than wherever you were before. It just has to start with a decision to let go of the past and allow it build up those muscles and resolve that you never knew you had.

“I have become convinced that God thoroughly enjoys fixing and saving things that are broken. That means that no matter how hurt and defeated you feel, no matter how badly you have been damaged, God can repair you. God can give anyone a second chance.” – Melody Carson

Remember that what makes you family is not the blood you share with a few but the loyalty and sense of commitment to our unique paths and purpose with the many others out there who like you have made their commitment to not be put down by whatever life throws at them.

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios

 

In the twilight zone……

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In the zone

Twilight

“Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all — the apathy of human beings.” – Helen Keller

It has been exactly 907 days ago that I last found myself in this similar office setting that characterizes most white collar jobs and it can go without saying that I am being flooded with memories from the last decade, some with wistful nostalgia and some with the renewed resolve not to ever subject myself to such distasteful experiences that the very memories almost want to make me bolt out drenched in perspiration and puke, but it all makes for a good telling someday. My back is screaming out from the contusions of my vertebrae, but as usual I will still soldier on, despite the pain because it goes without saying that there can be no pain without pleasure.

So much has taken place between my birthday (a couple of weeks ago) and now, and truly it just seems that in all reality, life’s most significant changes occur in the space of moments but the question is that most times, we are so blithely unaware of the changes that we spend the rest of our feeble days toiling with the effort of trying to grasp the changes that have been so magnanimously wrought on our behalf. I am so not concerned with my lack of ability to do so many things because, life is much more fruitful when I concern myself with those things that I can still do with this weakened but yet living body. I began the year on a good note and I still intend to stay true on that path…..recuperating from a sudden bout of allergies and the seemingly gradual route towards getting better care for this body are things that I hoist above my head and this movement disorder, try as hard as you may, I am not yet done.

Talking about change is a subject that is as vast as time itself however when these changes are wrought by no willful choice of mine, then it usually seems to be a mite harder to cope with but what makes for difference is that change is inevitable but what we do with that change is our own signature trademark that we have passed through this life not just as an inanimate pawn but as a piece who is aware that life is one to be lived. I was in the company of one of the nicest orthopedic surgeon and nurse on this side of the continent and he remarked that he was blown away by my personality (as a child, I thought that superheroes were always super cool anyway but I guess it is a thing of choice or else why would there be villains) but I explained to him that we always have a choice to either complain or just make the best of whatever life throws at you. Now this was no carefully scripted media piece but one borne from my experiences as an individual struggling with a rare, incurable neurological disorder. We can choose to see life as a suction pump inexorably sucking out our juices and leaving us with so much bile that we are indifferent to the lives that surround us every day or we can choose to see life as a funnel with which we can share as much of the goodness, grace and blessings that we inexplicably receive each day. Again, it is a choice to be made.

One of the very first idioms that stuck with me all through childhood is that regardless of how thin a slice of bread is, there are two sides to it. Now the question that haunts me especially in my dealings with majority of people is why the vast majority of us are so stuck in twilight zone that we feel obligated to infect others with as much as gloom as possible. Where has all the love gone to? Smiles back in the days were free as in the word free, what is with all the false warmheartedness that so thinly conceals gall and bitterness in today’s world. I always deem to stick with the two simplest rules – love your Creator with all that you have got (it was a gift anyway) and do unto your neighbor what you would wish done to you (if the shoes were reversed), and from my candid opinion, it can not come any simpler than that. Life is like a leaf gently being blown in the winds of spring and just when you think what a splendid time the leaf is having, a gust throws it down the drain and its gone for good. We will never know what number our days will be but we can choose how we number them – making each moment count for the good of someone else because it is only in giving that we truly receive. The best thing to do in times of despair is to give as much as we can and feel a sense of elation and lightness that we not only did but that we were able to.

Would I have done things differently without the scourge of this disorder? I dare to say that I am privileged to be in the position where I can say that pain has no hold over me, it may just make me do things a lot slower but it sure gives me more drive to do the very things  that make just that other person a little better. It has given me the rare opportunity to realize and acknowledge that family is not based on blood only, but in the ability to reach out and acknowledge that each of us is here on earth for a time such as this. Does it suck as much as it sounds? Yes and more, but being able to pick myself up everyday and refuse to remain in the twilight zone where indifference is the theme of the period is what I choose to do each and every day. Being indifferent has never gotten anyone anything, it is definitely not going to change now and so whilst it may seem like the normal thing to do, shake off those eerie chains that so tenaciously yet invisibly hold you back from being a productive you and be different, take a stand for something, dream something and work at achieving it. Stop being bound by the isolation of your office work space and the confines of your work hours (which you most likely hate) and do something else that screams out ‘I am here and I choose to be purposeful’.

Break out of that mould that you have placed yourself in and begin today, it is better late than never. Do something nice for someone else who may never be able to repay you back and watch the seed you have so bravely planted, blossom into such a thing of beauty. Cut a swathe of cheer and happiness as you walk through life and see the gloom of the twilight dispel in your face. Now is the time to make hay because very soon the sun will go down as it must and then you can truly be glad that you did.

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios!

A glimmer shines through…..

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Seeing the glimmer…

“What is hope but a feeling of optimism, a thought that says things will improve, it won’t always be bleak, there’s a way to rise above the present circumstances. Hope is an internal awareness that you do not have to suffer forever, and that somehow, somewhere there is a remedy for despair that you will come upon if you can only maintain this expectancy in your heart.”- W.W. DYER

What words can best describe how I feel today? Again, sometimes words cannot really suffice but the best I can do is try to share how I feel in the best possible way. It is my birthday today and although I have been awake since 2 a.m however there is nothing that compares to the infusion of life and strength that every day brings and inasmuch as today is kinda special, it is yet another new special day for me. Looking back, I can with more than a wry smile, look at how far I have come through the obstacles and challenges that life has placed in my path….and truly say that if not for God, where would I be? Nothing absolutely compares to the thrill of realizing that I live because I am a creature of purpose and one whose destiny can at best be tampered with but never altered.

I am thrilled by the number of goodwill messages that are coming my way and as every one unique in its own way arrives, I have yet another reason to be thankful because I have long ago realized that life is not measured by the number of birthdays one celebrates but the inexplicable impact we have on the lives that we have been privileged to encounter on our individual journey through life. Amazingly, last night I was in the company of my high school mates after more than two decades and as I stuttered through, keeping up with the updates to our individual lives, I silently acknowledged that I am more than blessed. Regardless of Myoclonus and each new name this neurological disorder spews forth, I know that I have survived through it all for more than just the simple reason that I am a survivor but more importantly that there is yet a purpose to be completed with my days.

Seated right now, in a very comfortable lounge, I prepare to yet undertake another phase in my life so uncannily marked by my birthday. I have lost friends who weren’t and gained those that are and have touched my own life in their own unique way. I reminisce on how it all started and the days when I was all but consumed by the shadows of depression, uncertainty and irreparable loss of those things I erroneously thought were the pillars of my life. Today, I sit and acknowledge that buildings are torn down so that newer and more majestic edifices can be erected and whilst the pain of the demolition puts more than an acrid taste in my mouth, yet I know beyond any shadow of doubt that what is being erected is way more glorious than what was once there. I am grateful for the things I have lost because I would never have gained the things I so cherish. I am grateful for the people I have lost because I realized as my father was always wont to say during my growing up days that ‘the beautiful ones are truly not yet born’. I have been blessed to be the father of an awesome daughter and as each day passes, I realize that nothing might have prepared me for this phase and season which rapidly draws to a close.

i felt the beautiful cold winds of the early spring morning on my face and with each exhilarating breath, I know that I could never ever completely count my blessings least of all, naming them one by one. I have witnessed the blazing death of the phoenix and watched the splendid rebirth of a more majestic creature and whilst I may have so desperately wanted to sit amidst the charred remains of what I felt was so beautiful, yet I was strengthened to hope beyond hope and trust that from the midst of the ashes, something much more splendid and majestic emerges. I have encountered lives that have inspired me and spurred me to heights that I dare not dreamed before. I have watched hope arising as the early morning sun, every glimmer just a taste of the radiant splendor that is just beyond the horizon. I have been stirred to live by faith, and make it my lifestyle, replete in the knowledge that faith and hope are concepts that cannot be taught only experienced and captured by one’s self. Chucking out the feelings of resentment that threatened to pull me down, I stand free and unshackled and whilst my body may be yet weak, still my spirit is renewed daily much more than I could ever have imagined.

I have been privy to the ineptitude of hapless experts and the scorns of people I once held dear. I have struggled more mornings than I wish to remember, every waking moment, an overwhelming battle with the constraints of living with this neurological disorder. Borne more pain than I ever felt I could, accepted with some degree of defiance that I am unable to do the very things that I had so easily done in the past and yet today I stand with such an immense sense of peace and joy that the glimmer out there is mine to bask in and what an awesome experience it will be when I am basking and luxuriating in the fullness of the radiance of a beautiful beginning, a complete restoration of better things than I had previously thought were irretrievably gone. I am a witness to the fact that you are yet to live until you experience what it means to lose so that you can find. You are yet to live until you are confronted with an upheaval of the very things that you felt were yours by right. But now, with a chuckle, I know that you never can have until you are willing to let go of what you think you have. Loving without being assured that you would be loved back, giving even when your very being screams out in protest and simply just keeping your eyes on the hills where the vast and inexhaustible reserves of strength are yours to just tap into.

It is a beautiful year for me, and I choose to persist doggedly and unwavering in my walk and call, knowing that I am not just a pawn to be sacrificed on the board of life but the son of the King whose thoughts for me are simply beyond my ability to grasp or comprehend. Life is a journey where we are privileged to meet and part, and yet what wisdom compares to the assurance that in those few seconds, you have bettered the life of one just like you albeit on his own path. As I mark today with whimsical feelings, I know that the day is just dawning and what an awesome one it will be, because I choose to believe that no matter how long the night is, surely the day comes and with it such an immense measure of joy.

My chauffeur beckons to me, and so I say to all of you who have been such an important part of my still unfolding story, the best is yet to come and so I cast away all thoughts that say the contrary. Wishing you all many more years of fulfilling your own purpose.

Remember that what makes you family is not the blood you share with a few but the loyalty and sense of commitment to our unique paths and purpose with the many others out there who like you have made their commitment to not be put down by whatever life throws at them.

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios!

Whodunit: The Misadventures Of My Mutant Ninja Protein

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This is the inexplicable scenario that some of us are privileged to face, guess what – being different is the most difficult thing to be.

Dystonia Muse's avatarChronicles Of A Dystonia Muse

Too often, I find myself apologetic over hurdles that come with Dystonia: I’m sorry it’s difficult to understand me…I can’t walk across the park…I need more time to finish this form. Worse are the silent apologies I make to myself. Why do I perpetually raise excuses for my condition as if responsibility for this annoying hoopla falls squarely on my shoulders? I possess greater control over my runaway temper than my speech or my stride. Dystonia arrived as an intruder on my doorstep, robbing me of some of my dearest possessions: clear speech, even gait, smooth handwriting, contraction-free enjoyment of life.

16542915_sThe perpetrators of this medical crime lurk deep inside my brain committing all kinds of chemical mischief. I’ve participated in a bunch of “line-ups” – ironically, I’m the one who’s scrutinized – but while a culprit surfaces in a blood test, the actus reus can’t be captured in a pretty picture…

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Sowing seeds…..

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Blessed to bless

Blessed to bless

Awakening from my restless brainiac world where the best two hours are like being thrust into a Ferris wheel, everything going around in such a blur that you barely have enough time to comport yourself least off all scream in sheer terror…..but that’s what insomnia feels like. Being exhausted and yet wary of shutting your eyes without ingesting that tiny white pill that gives you a blank world where nothing is, just a feeling of nothingness……my eyes snap open and I realise it’s barely an hour or two ago and yet I’m mentally fatigued. Each subconscious thought methodically pulled apart and a maelstrom of thoughts are all ricochetting in my weary brain. Where’s the rest in sleep, I ask? But wait a minute, if I spend all my time chasing the elusive rest, what happens to my purpose on earth?

I did a mite of shopping a couple of days back and am still recuperating whilst striving to admonish myself not to embark on such a seemingly harmless task however that’s what my body has become. An irreconcilable ongoing exercise between my outsides and insides and it seems to be a losing battle but guess what, the opera ain’t over till the champ says his lines and I’m not done with writing my lines. It’s amazing how much life seems clearer when you are down in the rut, grinding it out daily with myoclonus. It’s also amusing when I come across the experts who are clearly flummoxed and yet are unable to admit that simple truth to themselves. I can because I do battle each moment with a neurological disorder that takes pleasure in persistently striving to make you who you sure aren’t however it’s a game of wits. Persist all you may, the call is mine to make – it’s my life not yours.

I have got this lovely DAB/iPod digital radio and bedside clock and each time my eyes are drawn to those fluorescent green digits, I assure myself that there’s more than just bemoaning my present circumstances. I recollect with astonishing clarity the fun I had working with paper machè, gathering all the old and discarded dailies (for many, just some more clutter that needs to be trashed), letting it soak up in a tub of water till it’s all mushy and then mixing it with yucky paper glue. The smell to many, distasteful it might be but for me, it’s another opportunity to put together that messy unwanted mixture into something of a sculpture that when it’s all dried up would attract more than just glances but back in the days, my sculpture would occupy a place of pride and attract those who failed to see the beauty in some old used newspapers.

Now I admit my fingers may no longer be as nimble as they were back then neither do I have the ability to bend and retrieve those discarded dailies, least of all lug them home and get working but I acknowledge that there’s something of beauty in everything around us. The question is how many of us choose to remain on the level of being too busy chasing nothing, to pause and admire the beauty that lies all around us. Many of us may be content with side-stepping the ‘brokenness and discarded’ amongst us whilst we rush away snuggled in our warm overcoats but realise that the fulfilled life is not only one that takes into perspective what they see but willfully determines to make just that little difference in their world. I can luxuriate in the fact that I may not be able to make a paper mâché sculpture anymore but I can encourage those who still can, but do not realise they can, fashion a thing of beauty from their situations of bleakness as they are apt to be reminded almost daily.

What makes us individuals isn’t just the obvious fact that we are acclaimed to be top of the mammal/primate chain but I’ve seen animals go out of their way to assist an unrelated specie. I’ve been privy to witness love in deeds by those far lesser than us on the evolution ladder. A sparrow with a broken wing being nursed by a raccoon, I’ve witnessed abandoned pups being taken under the motherly care of a lioness and so if we truly are top of the chain, what acts of love define our everyday actions. ‘Saying a prayer’ via comment on social media for an ailing neighbor, friend or family when it cost you nothing to drive out there or send out a card or even place a call. Waiting for the call from that chap who obviously needs a better pair of shoes to warm his feet during the winter, mind you, he can barely afford to place that call. Waiting for your neighbour who’s past her prime to call out to you to please check on her and bring some joy to her life even if it is to help with her groceries. “Love sought and given is good but given unsought is better” – William Shakespeare. The list of little acts of kindness is endless, the question is what if that call never comes, are you absolved on the grounds of ignorance?

My hands hurt and I have to give this body some rest for there is yet a journey to continue on and so I cherish the little seeds of kindness i choose to place on my path because it sure is gonna look rosier to the next person that journeys behind me. That’s the choice I make every conscious moment with each day I yet draw breath, to let things go that truly don’t matter that I might devote myself as much as my body can take, to the things that truly matter.

Remember that giving is truly receiving, what’s that you’ve got in your hands – God wants to use it if you are willing to lose it.

פרידה עד שנפגש שוב בתזמון שלו עצמו

Adios!

Never Alone…..

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Never alone

“I feel too much. That’s what’s going on.’ ‘Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?’ ‘My insides don’t match up with my outsides.’ ‘Do anyone’s insides and outsides match up?’ ‘I don’t know. I’m only me.’ ‘Maybe that’s what a person’s personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.’ ‘But it’s worse for me.’ ‘I wonder if everyone thinks it’s worse for him.’ ‘Probably. But it really is worse for me.”

― Jonathan Foer

I kinda said I was gonna allow myself properly reminisce, more appropriately marinate in the events of the past one year and start out with a stronger purpose. Give myself the personal experience of savouring the stillness of the calm after the storm but just when it seems like I can take no more, I am buffeted more strongly than ever by the complex nature of my situation. I have long learned the  difference between sleeping and resting, and even though I shut my eyes in sleep….rest is more elusive than ever, as my system deals with sensory overload in an attempt to reconcile my outside with my insides. Borrowing the words of my guardian angel ;mvo St El Gee, smiling in the face of pain, loneliness and sometimes abject frustration at my inability to do those things that I so eagerly want to do, is something that has become part of me. And though this walk is far from over, I tell myself that I can not have made it this far just by myself. I acknowledge that there is One who alone rules over my affairs and I choose to daily trust Him to do the reconciliation because I have long given up on my own ability to. I make that choice everyday.

I miss LBJ so much that our last conversation tore my heart to shreds, still I know that pain usually precedes pleasure and I remind myself with teary eyes that the pleasure will make the pains disappear…..someday. I feel the pain of a suffering world; the wife and mother/husband and father abandoned, the loneliness of the ailing and elderly, the emotional dearth of a loving but unloved partner, the hurt of a desperately cast aside sibling, the silence of words that need to be said but remain unsaid, the labours of so many unsung heroes, the brittle facade of so many around me and it just seems that I am so helpless to do all I wish I could do. I know that I don’t have as much to give in terms of materialistic possessions and the truth is that, what we need is much more than that, and so I give of myself over and over, confident in the knowledge that I am also giving to myself. Where has the love gone to? That is certainly more than I can deal with now, because I struggle to tell myself yet again ‘why are you so downcast, o my soul. Just put your hope in God….’

I beheld the arrival of this year, and like a child, I am absolutely fascinated by the beautifully wrapped gift of 2014 and with a resolute heart, I know that the gift inside is worth more than the wrapping and yet I choose to savour the entire package because it is those little moments that are ours to cherish for as long as our senses can function. I opened the door, with the swirl of the chill winter winds wrapping her beautiful fingers around me and there lay my beautifully wrapped gift. I stand alone, save for my staff of authority worn by the numerous times I have clenched her with fingers hurting as I laboured with each step – joints hurting, my back a mass of unceasing pain, over-riding the cry of my feet to take a rest….. I stand alone and yet I know that even in the darkness of the dawning day, I am not alone. How do I know that? I can not have made it this far all by myself, each phase accompanied by an angel sent on assignment just for me. I know that despite all the battle scars I bear, I am not yet a victim but truly more than a conqueror. I bear my gift even though my back screams out in pain, I know that I have received a gift and for that regardless of the pains and tumultuous feelings that assail me, I am thankful. Thankful that I have a gift, and not just any gift but one that I can and choose to share with as many as I come across.

There are more reasons to be thankful for, much more than the days of bleak darkness and frustration. I am thankful for the fact that through it all, He is orchestrating it all for my good and yes I really don’t feel like a super hero today, but I know that weeping might endure for a night but joy must surely come in the morning. Yet so many knots still unravelled and some unravelling, I can only appreciate the gift of the now because sufficient for each day is the evil thereof but in the end good always prevails. I choose to apply myself to giving to others because if you really want to do something with your life then there’s only one proven avenue – do something for another person without necessarily waiting for a payback. Pay it forward because we have all been recipients of more blessings than we can enumerate.

My body may yet be a far way from being what it used to be, however I have fought and will still fight, no white flag is going to hang by my door for as long as there is still breath within me. With gritted teeth, I say ‘throw what you have at me, you elusive neurological disorder, I am still standing. And regardless of how many times I am thrown down, gut punched, desolate….I am still standing. You cannot and will not take this gift from me, it is mine and mine to share…’ and so even as I wipe the tears from my ears and pick myself up onto rubbery legs, I will still plod on. I may not have the fanciest or the sturdiest of steps but I choose to move forward because my victory resonates with each forward step. I have lost many just because they refused to cross the road but I have also found many. I am thankful for the opportunity of parting with a select few decades ago, just to truly experience the indescribable joy of meeting again. I am thankful for the nights of weeping because It made me more human than I thought was ever possible. I am thankful for being able to just listen to the hurts that many have harboured, unable to share because they felt nobody would understand…..I do!

With each moment of my life, I choose to share my gift irrespective of whether you choose to share yours with me and as each day winds to a close and I watch a new day dawn, I know that this is my path. Untrodden and surrounded by thorny bushes, I still glimpse the beauty of a rose here and there as I forge ahead and to you my very own saint, I will not give up because we need each other. “I dreamt we walked together along the shore. We made satisfying small talk and laughed. This morning I found sand in my shoe and a seashell in my pocket. Was I only dreaming?” – Maya Angelou

It takes nothing to dream but it takes grit and guts to wake up and live that dream. I am living mine……….with you.

פרידה עד שנפגש שוב בתזמון שלו עצמו

Adios!

Just beyond the Mile……

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http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/shared/spl/hi/pop_ups/05/health_beyond_boundaries/html/5.stm

“As soon as man does not take his existence for granted but beholds it as something unfathomably mysterious, thought begins.” – Albert Schweitzer

It is the wee hours of the last day of another year, precisely 0311 hours and I am unable to or do not want to go back to the turmoil of a restless sleep, aching spine and a catalogue of other undesirables however I can choose to and indeed have, to make the seconds count because time is one factor that we unfortunately have no control over and so the best time to do anything useful or productive is NOW. What better time than the last day of a wonderful year replete with its own shares of highs and lows, moments of sheer ecstasy and regrets, moments of such exquisite delight and almost unending agony, moments of hope, love and contentment and those of despair, isolation and despondency. For me, it has been such an eventful year that I can’t wait to let go so as to let in another because it is in giving that we receive. “Oh how blessed is he that scattereth even when there seems to be nothing to scatter for when you cast your bread upon the waters, you sure will find it after many days provided you do it right”- The Manual

Personally speaking, it has been yet another awesome journey and I can tell you that the pickings of the harvest are usually best towards the end of the harvest period and for me, 2013 is ending on a superlatively high note ; Like the tide that comes in right after the debris of the previous night’s debauchery, washing away all the debris and making it right as new or better still the ultimate sacrifice paid for us when we least deserved it, giving us yet another shot at life and not just any shot but this time from the winning team’s dugout. We can count on the fact that every hit is way out of the park, that is what our expected end is when we only but acknowledge what a choice we have to make. One that stays true regardless of what the present circumstances may otherwise be whispering in our ears or even clogging our senses that we are almost on the verge of accepting it as our lot in life. Hang in there for just a second and hear this truth “many were the steps taken in doubt, that saw their shapeless ends in no time. Those who travail in faith today will triumph in joy tomorrow. Let faith lead the way” – Israelmore Ayivor. Now the many variations of the word ‘faith’ has besieged many with exactly the opposite and so we are in a roller coaster of a ride trying desperately to blend in with the seemingly obvious excitement all around us and yet grapple with a deep-seated conviction that there is more to our existence than being part of a huge noisy crowd of ‘thrill seekers’. How many of us are bold enough to dare to be ourselves in such a convoluted world, where the norm is the wrong and doing the right makes you a pariah.

i recently regaled my wonderful host with the timeless classic of the childhood story of Sleeping beauty but permit me to just stretch our imaginations much more than we could as kids. In a bid to give her what her parents thought was best for her, they unwittingly bestowed her with such an impending doom (many of today’s parents are like that! all too caught up in wanting to give our kids what we never had as kids that we irretrievably fail to also remember to give then what we did have……as kids). However the tale goes on holding us breathless as kids, as the parents sought to stave off the impending doom but alas life is unfair – to gain is to lose, to bless is to give, to know happiness sometimes is in the house of sorrows but nonetheless we can only demand of life what we think we deserve and not just what we deserve but be assured that we deserve it, not on account of what we have put in but solely on account of who is steering our ship. Back to the classic tale, as usual despite our best efforts at trying to steer life, we are not only ill-prepared to do so but lack the wisdom to. On her 18th birthday, her ‘fate’ caught up with her and there was a complete rewriting of the script – a sleep so profound that the very kingdom was almost a myth. Enshrouded by massive thorns and bristles, cobwebs as thick as the wool spurn off the loom, the story goes on until it ends with the Knight on his shining white steed having heard of the tale, came to terms with his purpose which he had been searching for ……. We all know the story!

Now, as adults, we are not to be childish but child-like in our dealings so let’s re-examine this beautiful tale and see yet again if we can unravel some nuggets to help us on our journey through life. Questions – why was it just that knight that was able to rouse her with the kiss? Would there not have been many others before him? I dare say that these answers hold for us the very stuff that will make us extend ourselves just a teeny-weeny bit and venture beyond that milestone that has hitherto held us back all this while. We are all creatures of purpose and for as long as it takes, we got to keep searching until we not only realise our purpose but assiduously set about at achieving it. I strongly opine that there were many before that knight but what made him the hero of the tale – he heard the story, acknowledged his purpose, set about searching and taking complete cognizance of his surroundings, he made his way through the thorns and bristles, arrived at her bedchamber and gave her a kiss that was so different from all the others that it stirred up something within her and rekindled her hope and zest for life. What a tale! But it sure is more than just a childhood ‘read me to sleep dad’ kind of tale but one filled with simple truths that we have tended to overlook and have left it in the childhood story book section. Purpose, Perseverance against all odds and an everyday action yet so different that it provoked such profound results.

Now, I am a romantic at heart and Myoclonus cannot take that away from me because I believe that within each and everyone if us lies a set of skills particularly honed for our purpose on earth but first of all we must search for our purpose, acknowledge it and doggedly go about attaining it. Being different is another, where many have failed before us, we can choose to succeed if we choose to be different – remember that the greatest battle we all have to fight is being ourselves in a world that consistently wants to make us someone else. The question is are you satisfied living your life as someone other than you or you are brave enough to be yourself, I dare reiterate that the choice is yours to make but whilst we grapple with this all familiar concept, let us consider the point we find ourselves.

Fact 1 – You can’t have made it this far on your own and therefore Someone is calling the shots. Who is calling the shots in your life and what is your own assessment of where you are today? Completely lost sight of hope? I dare say it is better late than never, you can get your train back online.

Fact 2 – You know the story but have allowed yourself to be overwhelmed by the bandwagon effect that you may have almost lost sight of the tale and your purpose in life. I dare say that ‘he is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep just to enjoy the exquisite pleasure of obtaining that which you dare not afford to lose’. Folly in itself is not destructive but how long you allow yourself remain in it is.

Fact 3 – You have gotten to your milestone, battered and bruised, overwhelmed by the frailties of our human body and yet there remains just that simple gesture that many might have made before you with no results. That therein is summoning all that is within you cos it sure is there to venture beyond that milestone and make yours different – that is what makes the results differ for each one of us. We all have one shot at life, are we going to choose to just be statistics or be the real thing – the choice is yours to make.

I have seen seasons that threatened to overwhelm me but the choice to succumb or rise above will always be mine and I will always choose the latter because ‘in this ladder of lives we are given to climb, each life counts for only a second of time. The only one thing to do in that brief little space is to make the world glad that we ran the race’ – E.W Wilcox. I may not know how badly a hand life has dealt you, I know mine and I have chosen despite all odds to make the world glad I ran this race regardless of the inexplicable bouts of incessant pains, insomnia, tremors, huge medical bills and an unpredictable bouquet of medical oddities. I have also had reason daily to be thankful for every life that I have encountered during this journey because without you all, I wouldn’t be who I am today and for that I applaud you regardless of your roles.

My year-end message to as many as read this is, in two words – BE DIFFERENT! There’s just one of you so why make a hash of that singular honour. Love as many as you can, get hurt in the process but stay focused because life remembers not those who lay fallen and trampled in their trenches but those who have pulled themselves up and persevered in the face of adversity. My word to you is this, go for your dentals and be prepared to walk into the new year with a grin so wide that life itself will stop and recognise you. Reach out to just that one person who is suffering beside you and just do something to make him feel better and be glad he met you and above all else realise that you did not make it on your own this far and even when the clouds loomed dark above you, He still was there beside you and my advise is give Him free reign in the new year and be amazed at how puny those milestones now seem. You are a diamond in the sky, let rip your luster and brighten up the world whilst you can.

Remember that the race is not to the swift, neither is the battle to the strong but time and chance happens to us all. Choose to make that one chance count for your generation and generations to come. Have an awesome new year even as you venture beyond the mile. I sure do love you!!!

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios!

Taking Stock….

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Taking Stock

Choose to listen to your inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of everyone else. Do what you know in your heart is right for YOU. Its your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you. And be sure to appreciate every day of your life. – Melchor Lim (emphasis mine)

I have been struggling with severe excruciating bouts of sciatica for the last week and honestly it effectively dampened my desire to come alive here and do some heart sharing however I am better now, almost emptied my pharmacy of their supply of ice pack compress. A no holds barred struggle between the tremors that accompanied the initial icy feeling and the amelioration of the intense pain, I won!!! And the last week of the month was an exciting one, had an interview in Central London and despite my efforts to appear as normal as possible, it obviously did not work because most of the symptoms were triggered and caused quite a bit of consternation for Tony, Lloyd (?) and Hugo, who admitted that they had never seen anything like it within the five (5) years they have been dealing with individuals and unabashedly, I can take that as a complement now because they see thousands of people daily but most importantly, they were eager to learn and that tells me how amazing they really are. Life is all about learning and only stops in the grave, stimulating their ability to see the big picture was such a surreal experience and I left there knowing I had made new friends and shared myself with them.

Yesterday, I spent the best three hours this year in the company of one of the most remarkable ladies I have ever been privileged to encounter. Yeah, twas a lunch date at Harvesters’ and I truly left there with a great harvest excluding a filled belly of ribbed steak, mushrooms, chips, a healthy portion of vegetable salad and a glass of sparkling Chardonnay to round it off with. Now that is something for you to drool over…….

One of the issues that came up recurrently was the undeniable fact that every one of us has a facade and it is only the brave who are able to step out from the security of their rooms and face the world without that facade, armed with the knowledge that being different is the best compliment you can ever pay yourself. We took stock of our individual lives because hey!its December already and I remember how stunned I was whilst rearranging (I do that every moment when I can) my room when I came across my medical report dated January 2013 and it only seemed like the day before I sat with Professor Hanna reviewing my case on that day. Nostalgic indeed but so much has gone by so quickly that like the dropping leaves from the trees, we rarely ever have the time to notice when they drop. I have realised that the best thing we can and will ever get is NOW and so what we choose to do with it is as significant as the rest of our lives and yes, erring is an ability but our response to that ability is what differentiates us from the rest of the billions all over the globe. I have had my ups and my downs, each in its own varying measure but both present nonetheless. I have overcome a lot of the shackles that hitherto held me back, still trusting God for the perfection that He has promised and I eagerly await.

I have decided to devote this month particularly to taking stock (I kinda do that every morning but this is special) because I am truly overwhelmed by the faithfulness of The One whose purpose and counsel no one can thwart. I am humbled by the greatness of His Grace and favour bestowed upon lil ole me, even at those really dark moments when I just did not want to be found – His Grace found me. Amidst the gales and storms of the year, when it seemed like I had finally been cast adrift like flotsam on the vast oceans of the earth – His Grace found me and upheld me. What an awesome experience it is, being able to bask in and luxuriate in His Amazing grace……………………….. Getting that sms from my father in response to my congratulatory message to them on their 40th wedding anniversary, telling me that their journey would have been incomplete without me being a part of it was just beautiful. Such reminders, subtle and loud compel me to acknowledge that I am and can never be just a statistic in this world. Regardless of how rough the road is, I know one fact – there is an expected end and whilst I am being directed there, I choose to utilise every moment with everyone who has graciously given me their time, their resource, their support, their derision and disrespect (these ones really don’t know any better). And thankfully, I have gotten my back brace so I am glad to have been there to provide a shoulder for those who needed it and for those who will.

The Christmas trees are all out, the decorating is in full earnest, shopping is in crazy mode and I pause and wish I could tell as many as I can that everyday is a day to be grateful for and rejoice in. Take a look at the very things that you have even as you take your shower and be thankful, naturally we all get to shower at least once a day so…..! Be thankful for those moments of absurd laughter, be thankful for those moments of sorrow (it definitely made you think just a little bit deeper, didn’t it?), be thankful for the different seasons – spring, summer, autumn and winter, not everyone can. I still chuckle when I recall Joiv capturing distaste for London’s weather because she almost ‘lost’ her toes to frostbite but that is a reason to be thankful for because I remember my walk with Lawrence who had lost his toes but was still cheery enough to egg me one when I just felt like giving up. I am thankful for Vixen, for daring to do something different and demand happiness from life. I am thankful for Lisa, gorgeous and stunning but who has been such an amazing support of strength and encouragement. I am thankful for Elaine, Pam and my fellow compadre in this battle with dystonia, for being able to rip off that facade and stand tall and strong even with the pain. I am thankful for Shirls, Ele, Vichy – refusing to quit even when I was more than a burden. I am thankful for my brothers from High School – Como, Djecomms, my friends from University – few but awesome even in their little number.

I can go on and on, however I am very grateful for you all that take the pains to read and walk this journey with me. Alas! the night is indeed over and what a wonderful time we will enjoy now the day is come.  For you, my appeal is use this time NOW, to be thankful and grateful for the mistakes and the lessons you have learnt because without learning, you are sure to flunk the tests of life. Be thankful for yet another opportunity to take stock of your uniqueness and acknowledge that there is so much that you can do with just that one person that you encounter, but you must choose to or else regret the opportunity past.

“Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion. Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception. Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude. Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road.” – John Henry Jowett

Remember yet again, that a life without thanksgiving is worse than those who have passed away. Make your NOW count and rejoice in the memories tomorrow.

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios!