Category Archives: My Journey

Gratitude?……Yes!

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Undeniably it’s been rather tumultuous times recently however sometimes the joys we seek is not a thing but a process; the process of letting go because it is when we let go that we are able to see.

Today makes it 8 years, I encountered an amazing individual; funny, charming, intelligent and creative. He’s become one of the reasons to encourage me to keep going on even when the storms are at their worst. When the little glimmer of the skies are completely eclipsed by the darkness of the storm, he can still make me laugh and realize that there’s more joy in the process regardless of what’s going on. His childlike faith and compassion is worth learning from.

Gratitude

I don’t know what you’re going through however I do know that pulling the plug is not something that is an option because a thief is one who takes something that isn’t theirs without getting permission to. I don’t think ‘it’s better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission..’applies here. Somethings are sacrosanct; our lives are gifts from The Creator and the only way we express our gratitude to Him is by the way we live our lives so rest assured suicide is not an option. I promise you! There is no adroit weaving of words that can justify not being intentional in our lives or choosing to end it.

I like shoes, one of the few things that I can still like….it’s a choice too; to like or not to like. Yesterday presented me with another option to grab that lungful of air that will keep me alive whilst I’m submerged by life’s unpredictable waves. And yet again I must apologize for not being faithful doing this, I am still flawed and imperfect in more ways than I would want to know. There’s a generational transition currently taking place and it is inevitable because life must go on and in order for that continuity to occur, there has to be that anguish that’s associated with losing a parent or parents (whichever does apply to you). In that anguish, some of the best things are learned! I promise you that as a parent, it is so much better to be buried by a child than to bury a child.

In times of war, parents bury their kids however in times of peace, children bury their parents. Let that simmer in for just a tad; we all crave some peace whether it be publicly or privately. Having veered off, I’m redirecting. With more than one, comes the need for choice and sometimes choosing can be a pain, that for me is one reason I don’t like shopping or eating alone. Yesterday I met Dwayne as I made my way to the neurologist for a sleep deprived EEG and I realized that I have been lacking in my expression of gratitude. A fellow ex-trucker, he made the few minutes we spent together, nostalgic and yet humorous because while I vacillate between what shoes to wear (and usually seek help), he doesn’t have to because he’s an amputee so now I thank God for both my feet and then my shoes.

I’m grateful that I am able to see a doctor because I can appreciate what he and his team do for me. The years of preparation, just for lil ‘ole me. I’m grateful for my medication because it gives me some respite from this horrendous journey as well as the opportunity to say thank you to the pharmacist who spent all those years and money studying to become one, just to help me. I’m grateful for the time in the valley because at least I have a tent and can extend a hand to those who are homeless. I’m grateful that I’ve never been homeless because sleeping in a car is better than sleeping under a bridge.

Hospitality

Honestly, I said this was going to be brief however now there’s so much to be grateful for and so I’m grateful for you, sacrificing the time to read this. It is tough however it’s easier to act like an entitled (I just don’t like that word but oh well…) buffoon than pause and take stock of what you have and don’t have. Vulnerability demands that we be true to ourselves in order to trust the process and also be thankful for the process. I wasn’t singularly close to my mother however it’s been 3 years since she passed and I still miss her so much. 5 days ago would have been my parents 50th wedding anniversary; my mom’s up in heaven and my dad is battling dementia however I’m thankful for all their sacrifices because we might not have made Forbes list but they instilled in me, self confidence and much more than can be bought with money.

I’m not grateful for dystonia however I choose to be thankful on the journey because I have encountered and built a home filled with remarkable individuals. The storm rages on however I’m grateful because I know someday it’s going to end and what an expectation and hope that’s being built with each new day. I choose gratitude every day, whether it be in letting go of something or someone or in being hospitable to a stranger because I know therein lies yet another opportunity to touch a life with no condition attached and no guarantee of reciprocity.

And so I dare you to choose gratitude, and let’s see where the cards fall.

עד שניפגש שוב, יהי רצון שהפנים שלו יזרחו בטובך!

Adieu!

Wave upon wave…

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Adrift

“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy!” – J.M ‘Nightbirde’

It’s not about the decision but rather the elusiveness of happiness. Battered over and over, each wave harder than the latter, yet the stone quietly disappears still glistening, every encounter ripping a piece of my soul. Would you let me see beneath your beautiful, each shuddering breath anticipating the usual no? You don’t know me, you don’t see me but you clamor like the earth and its fullness is yours? How much longer can I bear this weight? How broken am I? Perfection, an oasis in the shimmering distance, unattainable yet teasing.

My clenched teeth hidden behind a smile is the only visible sign of the agony that besets me with every breath. Love surely doesn’t live here anymore however beneath my tent, I still hear the raucous laughter of the naive, the barely concealed glee of ill gotten weight, pockets weighted down that they burden you unknowingly. Here today, gone tomorrow; saddled with the burden of keeping count, I’m almost terrified to look at pictures just to acknowledge the spaces that once were occupied. How much longer can I go on? My question is rhetorical because the silence just magnifies my inability to comprehend.

Dreams disabled? It takes nought to do and still the dreams shatter but not the ability to. It’s eerily quiet at the moment and despite how hard I try, this is a moment that just won’t disappear. Where do broken smiles go? Where are they buried? Forget the fading applause, the night is certain in its duties. Disregard the glitter, they are but crumbling dust in my hands. The whispered terror, the blood shed, the victory won; it’s a maze I’m in but with each passing second, my limbs can barely function. This can’t be my home because I’ve walked the streets of grandeur once, hope is all I’ve got now and like the sand in the hourglass, it trickles away.

Just before this flame is extinguished, I grab the next candle, all but wax….hope remains surely. In the twinkle of an eye, the breath ceases and with the silence, I can hear it no more. Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest? Begone vile ones for he too deserves some peace. Your rum laced breath, overpowering as you prerorate, nothing is yours, you seem to forget. Naked you came in and naked you’ll depart, how do you so easily forget this? There’s no mountain high enough to shelter you, no valley low enough to hide the echo that resonates with your foolish gestures.

The years go by, and I find joy in the seed of my loins. Nothing can be done that hasn’t been done, yet still I refuse to cease my search for light in this overwhelming darkness. It’s not my garment of choice, each gust of wind blowing away a piece of my tattered cloak and still I must choose. When will the end come as I continue on my journey? What companion awaits me ahead is a question I cannot answer however I must ask. And if the ire is unleashed, what do I fear cos there’s nothing left.

70% hypothesized, but the tears so fast-flowing gives room to doubt. In my lament, I know there’s a message for any who cares to listen. You cannot cry me a river, the drought has been long and severe, cruelty is its driving force. The cold gnaws to the inside and all warmth is almost gone, and still I’m here; hope for the future, my only respite. In Your Arms, I find refuge and although comprehension might not be there, I’ll take what I’m given and yet hope. My strength has since depleted, the hollow echo bearing witness however it’s not by strength.

Cast adrift like flotsam, the waves are even more brutal, a purpose to be fulfilled regardless of how empty I fill. My journal has more endings and I hope, still I hope that there are also beginnings. Not the beginning of a journey, this one I’m yet to complete but rather the beginning of a restoration. I’ll yet hold on even as my sinews come apart and my ligaments give out, it’s nothing new but this I know “A man who has not prepared his children for his own death has failed as a father.”

Rest in peace, GED, OEBI, CD, RCB, PKW, NOC, CJO, JNM, KL, PZ, WS and may your memories be blessings to us.

The End of the Beginning.

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Inevitable

How are you supposed to feel

When everyone looks at you with pity?

How are you supposed to feel

When everyone calls you a survivor?

Everyone looks at you

But they don’t notice you

They refuse to look into your eyes

Because they’re afraid of seeing the shadows behind them

Afraid of possibly seeing what you saw

The red splatters that will forever be ingrained

In the very far corners of your mind

They don’t want to acknowledge it;

The emotions that tore through those four walls

The tension that caused every sound

To vibrate through the white-colored walls

You want to stop

But you can’t help reliving that very moment

The moment that everyone and no one talked about.

The moment that made you feel like

All the air was being sucked out of your lungs

Like your heart might just tear out of your chest

Like your ears were ringing from the piercing screams

You wanted it to stop

But it didn’t

Because you were drowning

In the repeating loop

Of the day your childhood ended.

– Red Phoenix

A Perorating Knell…..

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Abducted as a child. Sexually molested as a kid. Witnessed domestic abuse up close. Bullied then learned street survival as a pre-teen. Knocked unconscious by a thrown discus in junior high. Survived an acid bath in high school. Survived two ghastly automobile crashes. Witnessed the violence of religious fanaticism. Been shot at by friend and foe. Betrayed by friend and family. Disillusioned by Lady Justice (oh, she’s blindfolded). Knocked from grace to grass. Saddled with an exotic neurological disease. We each have sullied memories but also démodé is the sincerity of our vulnerability.

Listen

Like most people, still I stand on this side of life, albeit reeling and wheezing from another blindsided body punch. My past played some role in shaping me but it will not and has not defined me, that’s an area where my choice counts and mightily at that. The truth is that I don’t know when my end will come however, what I do know is that even though misery loves company, I’m never going to accept an invitation nor be the celebrant at any ‘event’ of such. I have seen lives lost over little issues and semi-truck sized issues to know that you must make hay during the day because the night when human beings sleep is coming. I have grieved too many times but I know sorrow’s curtain call is still a far distance away, so the journey continues, to a destination that’s beyond my wildest imagination. Therein lies the hope that takes me through each day, good or bad.

Today, I mark another milestone; a unique gift that can only come from One Giver. I am blessed with another year and even though I don’t like surprises, He’s got a huge sense of humor and whatever the circumstances are, I know He knows my name and He’s not done with me yet. Today is a permutation of variables that I would never have imagined, yet I stand, not by my own strength (heck! I can barely get out of bed most days without assistance). I stand, not in arrogance, but in awe of the dexterity of my Maker so I celebrate Him because He alone is the essence of my being. It’s kind of ironic realizing that love hurts and yet, that is a debt we are inexorably obligated to pay to the lives we are given the opportunity to encounter as we each continue on our separate journeys. The irony lies both in the fact that you can obey or be defiant in your stupidity, and that most times the love is never appreciated, least of all reciprocated.

My head and heart hurt but even that cannot cast a pall over the numerous reasons why I must be thankful. Like a friend said, ‘choose to see the glass of water as half full’ so that’s still my choice. The juxtaposition of wisdom in sorrow cannot be comprehended by my feeble mind, neither can my frail body confidently attest to how I am still in one piece and therein lies another reason to be thankful. Every past traumatic event, just like being on a treadmill, burning off the fat and unhealthy parts of me so that I can withstand the current rigors of purposeful living. Today I have lost more friends than I ever thought I would have made but it has also revealed the few remarkable ones that remain. Spanning three generations, I see them and I am thankful.

Waft or Wait

What do I say to my Mother India who’s burying the last of her 2 daughters at the end of this week? It is well? Oh most definitely not, but in the face of the stampede we live in, where education is not about the acquisition of knowledge, we stride around with puffed chests and flaunt our ignorance. It is well, yes,……but with my soul! Go figure out how to speak to your soul and allow me relish in the absence of your persona and its associated superfluity of nothingness. There’s an intangible gravity to the word ‘woe’ so I always use it with trepidation, it does not convey the same tenuousness as sad or sorrow. However, I am in no way embarking on a pseudo intellectual debate on the shimmer and nitty-gritty of English grammar. ‘Woe to they who trust in the arm of flesh…..’ and right there, that word beginning the sentence is enough to dissipate even the fog of inebriation.

One of my favorite quotes is this, paraphrased, ‘row upon row of rowdy spectators, crowd the vast arena full but there’s only one man who knows and he’s the one to face the bull.’ This year, more than ever, I am going to remind myself first before others who permit me to speak (permit not indulge) that even in the face of stormy waters, I will tell myself this; “it is well….with my soul” and I’d rather you didn’t tell me because you don’t know me. No offense intended, I rarely indulge in soliloquy but those three words to some degree, conveyorize familiarity and I truly don’t know you. Nobody truly does but rather than putting in the work to listen so as to obtain a better purview, we often traipse the path most traveled. It’s easier!

What’s the easiest way to discern a fool? The inexplicable concerted effort of a human being doing the same thing over and over and over, and expecting a different result. This year, I’m constantly going to remind myself that woe betide me if I trust in the arm of flesh. There’s a time and place for everything, a time to be born and a time to die, I choose to entrust God with the time between those events. This year, I’m going to double down on the truth that silence can be golden, ‘if only a fool could his lips sealed….’ he and she would have a sterling career in the undercover world.

I can’t go back and fix the past, neither can I go to the future and set it up just the way I want (tried that and got knocked from grace to grass) however, what I will do, is to make each day count for something. I may be beleaguered on all sides but I will not stop to contemplate calling it quits, rather I’ll strive to ensure that I’m on the right side and make these words into a mantra; ‘MANY are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord will deliver him and her from them ALL!’ That’s how I choose to start this year and I’m inexorably convinced that this will be my best year yet. Sneer all you want, when you want, just be kindly reminded that there’s a spot at my banquet that’s reserved for you.


Remember, even if everyone gives up on you, it changes nothing until you give up on yourself. Enjoy your rest, Temi, till we meet to part no more!

עד שניפגש שוב, מי יתן והפנים שלו ימשיכו לזרוח עלינו לטובה!


Adieu!

Oh the chariots of men….

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‘A King is not saved by a large army; a warrior will not be delivered by great strength. The horse is a false hope for safety; it provides no escape by its great power. Now the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him – those who depend on His faithful love to deliver them from death and to keep them alive in famine.’ Isaiah 31:1

Chariots of men

‘Speed thrills but it also kills’ was probably one of the very first adages that I committed to memory long before I was even deemed ready to learn how to drive and even at that, the inability to exhibit perspicacious judgement was something that I had to acknowledge in literally anything that included someone else other than me. Consistency requires discipline and I look at where I am today and I ashamedly acquiesce that there is still much to be learned by me. I just had an appointment rescheduled because of the trajectory of hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico, not to forget the 71 victims from the tornado in Kentucky and amidst it all, I must choose to either be thankful or pander to the whims and caprices of those who already own tickets to the banquet.

What banquet? The banquet prepared by God for me and it is with a wry smile that I look at the thinly veiled pretense of ticket holders because they are yet to understand that their tickets are for front row seats behind the velvet ropes. They are not participants, no, they are just there to witness the banquet and leave with empty bellies and dashed hopes. It hurts however, I know it is for a season because true strength does not lie in what meets the eye but rather that which eyes cannot see and with that in mind, why the continued trips to Egypt? Why the frenetic search for ways to get out of the enclosure because of the seemingly greener grass out yonder? You seek comfort? Go for it but remember that true growth and promotion lies outside your comfort zone.

I choose to be thankful even as calls go unanswered and unreturned, I remind myself that every destiny is determined by He who creates and so, just like I have been encouraged in the last 2 days, I will yet keep my head up and fight because I know the victory is already mine. Plunge the dagger in to the hilt and remember to twist it so the wound never heals right and someday I will show you those scars as signs of victory. Why the desperation of the wickedness of hearts? How can anyone forget that we are nothing but dust albeit empowered by the Breath of God? What is with the false adulation that you delight in as you parade? Look at yourself and realize that you may be titled ’emperor’ but you have no clothes on, your fancy apparel is nothing but the false words of sycophants. Blame no one, you compelled the flattery and you got it in tons. Your horses are compelled by the bit and yoke but I dare you to remove them and to the earth you will come crashing even as the horses bolt away in sheer delight.

A gilded chariot you think you have but I dare you to scratch because just beneath the surface lies nothing but rusty iron and scrap metal. I refuse to stay down because I will yet arise, confident in the truth that His eye is upon me and regardless of what you think you see, what I know is I have called into existence that which will shatter the workings of your feeble mind. I would help you but you deny assistance and so like the beasts, you will find rest in thorns and comfort in the hardened bark of trees. I bear you no ill-will but you have chosen to contend with One who cannot be contended with, so embrace the consequences because not even the kings’ armies can put you back together again. That hollowness you feel is that which you are; shallow and empty, grabbing and scheming with grubby hands for that which can never be yours. Just a little while, friend, just a little while and then you will have eternity to yourself where nobody will care for your screams of anguish.

I pray for you because that is what I do. I will lend a hand though you toss it aside because that is who I am. I am not a survivor, I am more than a conqueror and some day, sooner than you think, the scales will stay true. For ‘Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed; He answers me from His holy Heaven with the saving power of His right Hand…….You will collapse and fall, but I rise up and stand firm!’

Amidst the wreckage….

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T Boned

A couple of weeks ago, my truck (Eduardo) got T boned! A beautiful Tuesday morning it sure was shaping up to be because that is always my default choice every morning and then suddenly things went south – as I stood amidst the wreckage, thankful there were no injuries and listening to the T boner apologize, I realized that my perspective has changed. Some people wake up, pick up their car keys, get into their vehicles and go looking for an accident to cause – Scott profusely reiterated the almost pervasive fact that nobody gets on the freeway hoping to cause an accident. I mean I accepted his apologies but I kind of know a little more having lived more than he has that that is not entirely the case in today’s world – the creepy ones are coming out of the woodwork rather faster than people imagine. So, between juggling filing a claim, talking with the responding cop and trying to listen to the tow-truck driver advertise his business, my hands or more precisely my ears were literally full. Having worked law enforcement, the over-riding objective is not trying to understand the context of the law or see a different shade, the emphasis is on enforcing it so to cap it off, there was a citation of $235 as the cherry on the shake.

Now I really cannot do very well in regular vehicles, no thanks to dystonia and so even with the sturdiness of riding in a truck, it simply is also not impervious to damage. Two weeks after the incident, the auto adjuster politely called to ‘walk’ me through the process – a vehicle can only be totaled when the cost of repairs exceed 80% of the current value of the automobile. And so even though it was clearly pointed out to me at the dealership that Eduardo was totaled because the impact was so hard that he deployed all of his airbags, it took my polite auto-adjuster an extra week before he called to tell me that Eduardo was a total loss. Oh and that is where the erratic nature of insurance companies come with talons flashing, after ‘valuation’, I was left with about $10k between the current value of something similar to Eduardo and wherever the valuation company got their comps for. Talk about the frustration of trying to prevent more milk from spilling since you can do little or nothing about what has already been spilled. I took a crash course in dealing with automobile crashes so as not to lose the only leverage I had which was the remains of Eduardo. Thankfully, there are still good people even though sometimes it seems like I am literally in a scene of The Walking Dead and so after turning in the rental provided by the insurance company, I got a car to use whilst trying to absorb the reality of getting another set of wheels.

Now it is no news that I suffer from insomnia and so whenever the frequently asked question pops up, ‘why are you not sleeping?’, my response is biblical – “there is no rest for the wicked!” and so insomnia for me is kind of like an added responsibility because someone has to watch over the wicked. “There is no peace, saith the Lord, unto the wicked” and “But the wicked are like the tossing sea, For it cannot be quiet. And its waters toss up refuse and mud.” Now I know God does not need me volunteering but it is my own way of seeing a pro for insomnia. Life undeterred continues, bringing in its wake, a more than fair share of turbulent seasons because just when it seems like my plate is too full to take anymore, I get blindsided by something that I think I am completely unprepared for however the beauty of life is in the fact that I alone get the singularly distinct option of choosing so I choose not to allow the demise of Eduardo become a stressor. I’m no newbie and statistically speaking, it takes an average of 4 years to earn a degree, I am in my 9th year with dystonia and myoclonus so that puts me more of a graduate consultant in the school of hard knocks.

Act Now!

With all this going on, I had the privilege of having my younger brother visit me, he chose to visit me (it has been about 5years since I last saw him) and so there was some cheer after all and having never seen me having a dystonic episode, I know we did have a wonderful time together. I actually for the first time since dystonia invaded my world, felt like I truly belonged to a family (one that I was born into without any cognizance to my view or option). He actually celebrated his birthday in my home and I may not authoritatively categorize sleeping on an air mattress and being woken up on his birthday with a chocolate garnish cake and the happy birthday song as being out of this world but then that’s where I have learned that we just need to do what we must do and let God handle the rest. I overheard him telling his incessant callers that that was probably the best birthday celebration he had ever had. A simple gesture from me meant a ton of joy to him! Now this is where I want to do a deep dive into some fundamental principles on which I try to live my life by.

“One person gives freely, yet gains more; another withholds what is right, only to become poor.” Those are not my words in any way, that right there is truth without any fanfare – no glazing, no sprinklings, no whipped cream. What truly strikes me about this is that there is absolutely no mention of status, meaning that there is no further elaboration of who had more to give – it just speaks about 2 men and the choices they make and then the resultant consequence of their choices. Now another startling and somewhat scary truth is in the choice of the latter – he withheld what is right! At certain times, I come up with phrases that keep me going and this right here is one, “As long as God allows you see a need then it means that you are thoroughly equipped to do something about that need” – Redz_CC. I try my hardest to make each day count for something and that means down to the moments of every day I live and so even though I have a couple of academic (&theological?) degrees to my name, it means squat when it comes to life and the privilege of encountering lives as we journey along. Sometimes I realize that simplicity can become overwhelmingly complex when we refuse to just accept the simple. We are all creatures of purpose – we identify, execute and then move on to the next task.

Whenever I see a need, I am with something that fits that need and if I choose to withhold it for a myriad of reasons (it could make a worthy post on its own), I am undercutting myself because borrowing a few words from Dido, ‘Nothing I have is truly mine!’ and so the question of to give or not to give should not arise because it spells it clear as day, poverty will overwhelm when I refuse to address a need because I am withholding what is right. Again, I want to be careful when I say withhold – money answers all things but money cannot get you joy, it can buy you praise singers but absolutely no friends, It can build you a mansion but it cannot give you the companionship that we all need as human beings – just one of the many billions inhabiting the earth. And so I ask myself what is the wiser option? Giving up what isn’t mine to gain what is mine or withholding what isn’t mine only to lose on all fronts, an academic degree is not needed to answer that. Whilst conversing with my brother, I told him that perception can be easy to make from afar but usually it is wrong, he got a ringside seat for that exhibition. An African proverb says, ‘that which you seek in distant lands is actually resting within the confines of your garment’ it just boils down to ignorance versus knowledge.

I dare you to remember this, “We learn something from everyone who passes through our lives…Some lessons are painful, some are painless…but all are priceless” – Knot Known

עד שניפגש שוב, מי ייתן וcountenace יזרח לטובה עליך!

Adios!

Let’s Begin Again…..

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Anew!

Never been to a real AA meeting however I know it begins with an introduction; name, your reason for attending and as much personal information you are willing to share with a bunch of complete strangers, who with time become a small part of what you may term friends. I choose to say that a very few would become a part of your family. I am an ordinary chap – going nigh on half a century chronologically however physically most days I’m more in the nigh on century milestone. I’m a hybrid which can be interpreted in a varying degree of ways depending on what perspective you look at it from. I wouldn’t say a peacock is my bird of choice although I’m a dog lover and not an avid bird watcher, so a Caucasian Ovcharka would therefore be my pick as my animal companion. I am a Christian with a definitely colorful life – having lived and worked in 4 continents playing a huge role in that. Temperamentally, I am a CholMel (Choleric and Melancholic in that order and mix) and I am living with dystonia and myoclonus – primary generalized dystonia to be a bit specific. I was officially diagnosed in 2011, which makes it at least 8 years with no vacation or holidays in between each day.

Statistics reveal that there are 3 million cases of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder diagnosed every year in the United States where I currently call home. Even with my stint in the navy more broadly, law enforcement, I don’t suffer from PTSD. I still have battles everyday although since Christianity isn’t a religion so it cannot be called an opioid, it’s rather the lifestyle I’ve chosen and live by. I tend to describe myself as a very good listener and like the philosophy that comes with life. I’ve been described as enigmatic, prickly skinned but with a beautiful heart – I guess the point is that my range of description depends on the level of relationship I have or had with you. My IQ is above 100 and I’m conventionally educated (spent about 19years doing that), still learning and teaching where and when its possible. I am heterosexual and pretty good at being and staying one. I love writing (and speaking, if asked to), pretty good at whatever I set as a goal, I still do have a fairly long to-do list which includes but isn’t limited to swimming with sharks, paragliding, parasailing and traveling to 3 more continents and Mars someday. I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder but I control it much better not the other way round. I live with faith and hope and the awareness that life is a series of seasons.

Strewn along

I am quite imperfect and very much a Work-in-Progress, choosing to get up each day with a ‘Thank you!’ rather than ‘Why?’. I have a relatively skewed ratio of good and bad days, in recent times more of the latter which in no way influences my daily choice. I don’t have regrets even though quite a few of my also few friends have transited this earthly journey, their sojourn completed. Admittedly, it’s a really cold world we live in so I’d say the inevitable mudslinging and lemon chucking still hurts probably more now however I do clean up fairly okay. I have about 8 walking canes because I also suffer from intense vertigo and unpredictable bouts of pins and needles, and on the losing end of requiring to get a stroller which in relative terms for me sits a couple of steps above a wheelchair. My regimen of medication consists of a good amount of category C drugs and few Over-The-Counter medications which I lug around with me…….all translating into several discarded shoe boxes of empty pill bottles and a very upset asset of the pharmaceutical industry with an equally rather poor notion of the insurance industry. I know that people rather know how much you care, than care about how much you know.

I am very weary but still I must go on because how you run your race determines what price awaits you at the finish line. There’s nothing that can break a defiant and determined spirit except you give in to it and that’s what I hope to share more. There are no better helping hands better than those at the end of your arms and for my friends with no hands or arms, you still have what will propel you through the rather frequent desolate seasons. There’s no oasis better than that in God who created and created all things with the best quality control, and therein might be my message to myself. It’s not impudent to ask for help but the results are guaranteed when we ask Him because I know He knows what I’m going through and has made the appropriate resources for this sojourn of mine.

There are times when it feels like the end of the road for me, nothing more to give, still nothing more to gain however I know that it’s in those times that He’s closest to me and so even when even the melatonin refuses to work and my muscles constrict in agony, seeking for relief from an overly active brain firing away on all fronts, I still choose to say ‘Thank you Lord!’ rather than ‘Why me Lord?’. It’s in those moments like today that I remind myself with this quote, “I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it!”

עד שדרכינו יחצו שוב, תנו לאהבתו ולעוצמתו להנחות אתכם!

Adios!

Bent not broken….

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Beauty of Nature

Today is my birthday! And in line with the actual definition of the word, I was born on a Wednesday and notwithstanding the fact that I was born preemie, I choose to celebrate my birthday every week. In my journey here on earth, I have learned that it  is usually those life-transforming events that shape our character and influence our decisions. And so with this intolerable dystonia, I have learned that more often than not, the frequent insouciance I encounter is a direct expression of ignorance; ignorance in terms of knowledge and ignorance in terms of life’s purpose, while the natural reaction to ignorance can be scathing and harsh, there is still a choice to be made – React or Respond.

Considering the timeline that I have as a result of dystonia, it still amuses me that we still associate pedigree to what can be almost valued as worthless. I had the privilege of speaking at a meeting on what dystonia is (surprisingly it is still relatively unknown even as we wind down another decade in the 21st century!) and what really reminded me of why sharing our experiences is such a distinct honor, was the rapt attention of my audience and the fact that a few would leave with the knowledge to live as humans. The ability to tell ourselves the truth is something that can be trifled with, ending in irreparable sorrow however life is a platform of learning nonetheless as is the case with every academic setting, there will always be the hecklers and those who choose to be distracted.

“Where are you from?” is usually a question imbedded within the first five statements uttered by people to me. My origins? That in itself is a topic for another post however I always strive to comment on the fact that I have been at both extremes – abundance and lack, have had the privilege of living and working in four different continents but despite what many would exclaim in terms of sentiments, the nature of our living is still a continuing study for me. I remember the disaster of a hurricane and the desolate pictures of the aftermath and it is almost mind boggling to reconcile the before and after however what conveys the most poignant message is not in the destruction to property but the resilience of victims. Resilience that even though life chucks boulders at us, and we are utterly astonished at how bent over we are, under the crushing weight of these boulders but yet we can spring upright with the passage of time if we choose.

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Bent but Unbroken

Hooke’s theory of elasticity does not apply to the human being because like the supple trunk of a young acacia tree, you can bend it till its topmost leaves share the same dirt as its roots however when you let it go, it springs back because its growth is upwards. I can be seen as reticent when there is the heated discourse of how well life has treated us and then the popular game of comparison commences because I know that it takes wisdom for one to acknowledge that life has its seasons and thus prepare for the changes that accompany such seasonal changes. Unfortunately, asking for a helping hand is still largely construed as an opportunity to re-emphasize current economic and financial comfort, however I have learned that the act of bending down to an upstretched arm is also a check on your suppleness.

Even as I watch the huge strides taken by humanity through technology, there is a huge dearth in terms of carrying along all those virtues that make us human. I am bent over but definitely not broken, and the hope of that realization powers me through some really bleak days. With the frenzy of today’s living, we are wont to satisfy ourselves with fleeting glimpses as we rush through life and thus erroneously capture postures wrongly, seeing bent as broken. Alas even the broken can be fixed but when our change-over terminal looms ahead but we cling so passionately to the comfort of the moving train, how then do we ever expect to progress in life. I realize that habits formed can be difficult to break but it is a task that can be made easier when we admit that we are all works in progress and life is a journey; because when we acknowledge that life is a journey then we can understand that journeys mean progression.

There is no standing still and yes the view from the mountain top is so exhilarating and usually lulls one into a false sense of security but remember life and progression go together. The choice to build our fortress on the mountain top simply reveals our lack of understanding because what happens when we must go down to the valley; do we choose to stagnate and decay on the mountain top dulled into a false sense of reality or do we fall over and stay down preferring instead to be content with the diminishing memories of the past even as the present ticks away. There is no joy in the house of sorrow however there is ample opportunity to learn and be schooled for the events of the future. Just as the sun arises each day so must it set so that life can continue, and no matter how long the daylight lasts, the night when there is little or no light must precede it.

Borrowing the words of Albert Einstein, ‘Life is like a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.’

פרידה עד שנפגשנו שוב בתזמון שלו, וייתכן שאהבתו של אלוהים להיות אמיתית לך!

Adios!

Where you are now…..

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Here for a reason

In this era of living on social media, I must honestly admit that I rarely watch videos sent because most times it’s a waste of time. However the weird thing with technology is those spam, unwanted videos, ‘pass it on to 1 million….’ et al still make it through and these days when I pop into my photo gallery, I do a double take because there are loads of new and unknown video clips. And inasmuch as it seems akin to throwing the baby out with the bathwater, sometimes I just do a quick housecleaning because even I need some space on my devices.

Today, I met Dr Dennis Bentil and even though I chose that today would be a good day, it sure wasn’t turning out that way. Nonetheless I know that regardless of the present circumstances, my choice counts. After about 18 months of thankless, arduous work, I just got shanked and boy, does it hurt. The reason it hurts bad is proximity and shanking go hand in hand, I knew there was always that possibility but if you let the possible outcomes drive you in life then I know the confines of your comfort space is the best location for you. So I’m still standing, re-evaluating the lessons learned and chalking it up to life lessons. Struggling really hard not to commit the fallacy of over-generalization because there will always be rotten apples in every barn but that does not mean saying no to apple cider.

At this moment, I’m counting the things that I’m thankful for. Being grateful is an elixir of some sorts because it drains out the bad and re-energizes you. Admittedly, I’ve had tons of practice but it still does not make it easier and with time keeping tabs, it’s really difficult saying, ‘I have no regrets!’ In all sincerity, even in the basket of regrets, if you search hard and long enough, there’s still that iota of accomplishment that you will find. I am definitely not where I want to be right now but I am thankful that I am here because many have lost that opportunity. Do I let circumstances define who I am and who I am meant to be? Most definitely not, that in my opinion is the life and confessions of a yo-yo, so much activity and no progress.

Leaning not knocked over

I picked up the phone to ask for help yesterday and today and that in itself is something that I am thankful for because even if the response is a ‘No!’, at the very least I do have someone that I can call. My point today is that most times we base our joys and triumphs on results when really the process is what matters more. More than a few occasions in really recent times, I’ve been flayed for my pride in refusing to get a walker or a wheelchair and so I am compelled to get one now because I am more tired of arguing with myself than in searching for anything remotely resembling pride. Does that capitulation signify that I am finally giving in? Definitely not, again I am thankful that there are a few who care enough for me to put up with my long peroration just to get their message across. It is more blessed and rewarding to give than receive because “we make a living by what we receive but we make a life by what we give!”

I am thankful for dystonia and myoclonus because it has brought out more of me than I had ever shared prior to my diagnosis. It is not a blessing in any form (you sure do not want to hear how torrid everyday living can be or how dependent I am forced to be) but it is an avenue where God’s grace and faithfulness is constantly being showcased. One day at a time, one step at a time, one decision at a time. All these remind me that there will always be seasons and so it behooves me to spend my time being thankful for where I am regardless of what I thought my destination would be. Why worry when you can pray? From experience it is less difficult praising and being thankful instead of worrying.

Very rarely have I seen a tossed coin land on its edge and so I would say it’s a wiser decision not to leave your life to a tossed coin because it just has to fall either head or tail up. And being thankful is one of the best ways to prepare for a coin toss.

Bills all around me stacked with lots of room for more

Each bill earmarking an amount owed

However when you acknowledge that bills go on paper

Then can you truly be thankful for the leaning tower of Pisa.

Remember, every knockdown is just another opportunity to take a different stance and no matter how much you combat the hands that want to drag you down, let this fact break through to you – that is just another reminder that you aren’t flat out on the ground. The definition of your life is yours alone but with chin set right and a thankful heart, no storm can best you.

עד ניפגש שוב, תן אהבה שלו למלא ולשמור אותך!

Adios!

Walk with me awhile……

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Please walk with me….

“We learn something from everyone who passes through our lives. Some lessons are painful, some are painless…but all are priceless.” – Anon E. Moss

There is the familiar story about not knowing contentment in life that has birthed the age old idiom, ‘the grass on the other side always looks greener’ and sometimes we actually and with real intent blur the lines differentiating reality and our fantasies. However life with inevitability brings us around, sometimes dragging us on our butts to acknowledge that there is more to life than positive talk, reciting mantras or forwarding stuff that has a silly condition at the end. Yes, we are saddled with responsibilities every day that we arise but when we align the fact that our being alive today is simply a reaffirmation of the truth that God is not yet through with us then we can truly be grateful for the many blessings we receive (and oft take for granted) or else why are we still here? To live is Christ, to die is gain is a very weighty statement but that is simply truth in its plainest form.

A couple of days ago, I actually felt that I had touched the gold paved cobblestones of heaven because unfortunately the past few days have not just been torrid but have been progressively chronicling a decline in my health. Six months ago, I had a bad fall and sustained significant injuries to my right shoulder (rotator cuff) and just having to deal with myoclonus each day is a full-time career on its own, adding a torn rotator cuff was just adding more to an already overflowing bowl. With the same doggedness that is characteristic with faith, I continue; choosing every day to be thankful for something at the very least. Against what I term my fundamental values, a friend set up a GoFundme campaign because in his words, sometimes we just have to let go and let ‘friends’ and others help. After the dismal campaign ran for a month or two, he had to shut it down as requested by me because we do not decide the paths or channels from where our relief will come from. It is and will always be about His timing – He does make all things beautiful in HIS TIME!

Being the proud father of an amazing daughter, whose life all on its own is simply a testament to God’s sovereignty, I am more than just a soccer dad. Despite the frailties of this body, I tend to want to push the envelope just a tad more. Well, the fall was a result of attempting to push the envelope and even though she bosses and fusses over me, I still know that there are a couple of things I can still do because our children are the best gifts that Heaven has in its store and so I am never going to let a white flag hang from my doorway with regards to issues pertaining to Heaven’s precious gifts. Again, I am a firm advocate of taking care of your body but sometimes it is easier said or written and most times it just goes awry however it is either of two options – Let go entirely and Let God or delude yourself into believing that you have when you truly haven’t.

Well I am still a work-in-progress and tenacity still means loads to me, but ironically where that tenacity is applied also matters. Against plain common sense, a couple of days ago, I dropped my cane in a bid to help her during her training and that was like a culmination of everything bad – the lack of sleep, the rigors of just being fairly active for consecutive days et al. During the night, I was seized with the most severe episode of dystonia – tremors so intense that the king-sized bed was literally absorbing and trying unsuccessfully to contain all that energy, pain so intense that curling into a fetal position did nothing to help, tears of utter helplessness cascading down my cheeks as I prayed believing it was my last along with that scary feeling that I tend to describe as my brain over-heating because as always it was doing the processing and still firing away on all cylinders. I remember telling myself that this was what the end feels like….

….definitely one of the worst storms but from force of habit, I clung to every promise that applies to me – knuckles whitened from clutching hard, I was able to ride out the storm not by my own strength (that really does not mean so much to me anymore) but because my story is yet to be concluded. In retrospect and as I continue the long and difficult task of recuperating, I bear no angst. No hard feelings for those who in their ivory castles feel comfortable and secure. No hard feelings for those who believe that it is a fair trade to copy and paste a prayer as against doing something more tangible. No hard feelings for those whose ignorance make them all the more ludicrous, no feelings of resentment directed to the world because I know that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. And even though the furnace be stoked more than usual, I choose to be hurled without a fight into the fires confident that God’s got me; acknowledging that His ways differ from mine and so I know that salvation will come.

Salvation not by my own understanding or standard, but rather salvation as dictated by Him with the end result being that I will emerge at the other end so much better than before the journey through the fires. And whilst the waves billow high and angry, and this vessel gets more battered, I choose to make each moment count. Regardless of the darkness that creeps like a smothering garment blocking out the stars of the night, I know that there is still going to be light once this night is over. And so I hold on, not because of the medication that miraculously never completely runs out (even when the funds do) or the fact that there will always be help raised up on my behalf, but rather because I know that there is that one life that will draw a second wind to continue pressing on just by reading my story. There is that one life that was just about to succumb to the darkness and let the little light be snuffed out, that is why I hold on. For every point I get to on my journey, I learn some more and apply that faith that recognizes not only that He exists but that He is also with me through it all. He is more than the worst of storms and withersoever He leads, I submit.

For as long as this breath courses through my lungs, I choose to be a pineapple, standing tall, wearing a crown and being sweet on the inside. Remember that you cannot start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

פרידה עד שנפגשנו שוב בתזמון שלו, וייתכן שאהבתו של אלוהים להיות אמיתית לך!

Adios!