Category Archives: Destiny : choice or chance?

In the waiting room…(1)

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No shortcuts

2yrs to the day, my mom passed from here to the other side where time ceases to exist. A side where the hope of eternity is finally made manifest. Devoid of drama, pain, disappointment and anguish, what could come close to comparing. She’s gone and yet a piece of her remains, not to spite us but hopefully to guide us through memories created together and shared. I am a Christian and come what may, I pray the first words out of my heart in every situation is “I want to give thanks to my personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” Now just before you rush off in righteous indignation, my choice is to thank Him IN (not FOR) EVERY situation.

So today just seemed like a good day to get back into the saddle, having been incommunicado for like forever, and for that I apologize. And in retrospect, a tea party can be better than writing a dirge depending on what the outcome is. Again, much wisdom is learned in the house of adversity. This is me taking back what’s left of my life and pushing away the depression that so eagerly awaits, ready to submerge me in a litany of woes. It never really is about how much you have but what you do with what you have that counts, and I’m talking about the long run, people!

There are no waiting rooms for short cuts, and it’s the waiting room experience that I’m going to dwell on just a tad longer than a pensive note in a musical drama. It’s been a long time and still I am unaware of where or when the end will come however instead of just passing away time dwelling on frivolous tasks, I need to apply one of my own lessons – there’s truly nothing as frustrating as spending energy on stuff that’s beyond my control. So with each new day, I am thankful that God’s not done with me yet.

A couple of days ago, I came across the well documented story of the exodus of the chosen people (God’s very own) from Egypt. This isn’t the first time I’m reading it but something was just different. There are mysteries to the life we are passing through that will never be understood. It’s a mystery that some have already been foredestined for destruction, why? I don’t know however I know I’m not one even though every waft of breeze seems to have a contrary opinion. So, here’s the most powerful leader that existed at that time and for some mysterious reason (which in this context was God hardening his heart), he just refused to see reason.

Now I’m talking about a rod turning into a snake (and for those of us who understand that there’s more to life than meets the eye), you can sit back and say other rods too turned into snakes…..but hold on just a second longer; the rod now a snake swallows up the other snakes and then returns to being a rod. No girth added, even after swallowing up other ‘ro…snakes’. Now that sure would catch even my attention but not Pharaoh’s. That snake exercise was just one of several extraordinary events – water turning into blood, frogs competing with the entire populace for space, painful boils, flies and still Pharaoh was unperturbed. Just another day in the office? Now permit me to interject this, “woe to anyone who decides to be God’s adversary”……there’s no coming back from the dead on that one.

And then it strikes home, his son (the heir apparent) is recalled by His Maker and then suddenly, it’s no more a negotiation exercise. Rather it is about how fast can you get out of our land so we may have some appearance of peace and stability? Now I truly can relate to the next part, those who had been marginalized and oppressed for centuries, left richer than they could ever have imagined. They were ‘paid’ to leave and then right after their exit, Pharoah as though waking up from a trance, asks himself, “what have I done?”. For me, the uniqueness of the situation, is that there was no history of mental illness on Pharaoh’s part and so I would categorize that question as being rhetorical.

So as most would, he reacts to the situation by countermanding his own authority, to save face. Now, while many are enthralled by the actions of The Sovereign God, Pharaoh embarks on trying to save his face and re-establish his authority, which at this point would be clear to any rational mind, that it is subject to a higher authority. He puts together the largest, most elite army at his disposal and gives chase. Reaction is equal and opposite, but wisdom teaches that it’s best to respond in the face of challenges because a response is borne from a process of careful thought and sought counsel rather than acting impulsively.

It is so much easier to be part of the crowd because being different is not an easy path…..

Friend or foe (Pt 2)….

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2hrs 23mins left and once that resets to zero, the year 2021 becomes the past and there is absolutely nothing we can do about the events of the year except learn from the mistakes we made. 2022 begins; a fresh new parchment and I definitely know that it comes with its fair share of highs and low so why procrastinate completing this post? I learned this year that procrastination is the thief of opportunity and I definitely am not letting any theft take place whilst I yet watch. Not on my watch because in my world that would be an ending without a completion, something that those with OCD will spend the first hours of the new year trying to grapple with.

Friend or Foe?

There is definitely a lot to pen down, but with the end comes a beginning and so I will attempt to keep this as brusque as is civil. I happened to come across a social media post from one of the new friends I made in 2021 and why it stuck was the simplicity of the of the post. He graduated from high school, the same as I attended and he asked for people to comment and state the year of graduation so as to enable him know who were his ‘seniors’ and those who were his ‘juniors’. A pretty unusual request however, what made it quite fascinating was that he graduated the same year that I was born and so you can understand the incredulity of even trying to comment because where do you start from. I was not even conceived when he got into high school but I did something different – I commented and said much more as is typical with me when I come across extraordinary events.

He was the last of 5 friends I made in 2021 and of-course the scales are off-center because I know I made much more foes than 5 and that is not in anyway due to me embarking on a ‘get as many foes as you can’ mission. It reminds me of a question that someone posted on Quora and his question was why do banks accept deposits within minutes but it takes the same institution at least 3 days to refund money? Having some banking experience, it brought a chuckle to my lips because that summarily is what life is about – life is unfair and if you have not encountered the unfairness of life then I would suggest that you probably stop reading and go watch the fireworks going off in celebration of the new year. It is almost like asking why do some people choose to be foolish because I do know that God freely gives wisdom, they are just comfortable in the ignorance that they knowingly flaunt around with every given opportunity and I most wholeheartedly assure you that I speak with some experience on that subject.

Lest I get bothered and thrown off course by the amazing ability of people to choose folly over wisdom on a recurring basis, I must also acknowledge that we need them, not as jesters in our courts but as foes because there must always be some sort of balance in life. The more the merrier, remember that God is sovereign and if He is preparing a banquet for me then I know it is not anything small. I am truly thankful for the foes because it helps keep the hope of restoration and abundance alive, what would a banquet be without self-styled unhappy people so there is truly no need to go recruiting foes, they will show up regardless of what you do so just continue to be a better version of yourself and grace them with the complement of ignorance. Haters will always hate however, friends are rare and therefore much more worthy of my actions because friends make you better, they pull you up when you fall and they evoke the desire to make life more relevant which should be a priority for anyone who has a modicum of understanding regarding our journey through life, for therein lies fulfilment.

Despite my laptop vehemently struggling to be a foe, I owe myself the time honored responsibility of making my life count for something and so onwards I must continue, not just for myself but also for those lives that are inexplicably connected to mine. Tweak what you can whilst you can because 2hrs can be applied to doing something nice and impactful to others, and when that runs out, you can either choose to remain in the past or move on with an unflinching stare, confident that the future is now the present and what treats it has in store for us. I want to give a give a special shout-out to friends that were bold enough to tell me ‘No’ because the ‘No’ unknown to them were answers to prayers and I know that God promises what is best for me. With that, I want to thank you all for being part of my life and I conclude this with a prayer that we truly understand that there can be no happy new year without God being first place.

Remember that in everything we do, He must be glorified and that is how I choose to end 2021 and begin 2022, with a steely resolve to make everything I do, glorifying to Him. That is my resolution for the new year along with a prayer that in times of weakness, His grace and strength will be made manifest. I know that 2022 will yet reveal just a glimpse (because of the frailty of our mind) of His Kindness and faithfulness, and so together let us usher in another awesome year, better that any year we have lived.

שנלמד משגיאות העבר כשאנו מביטים קדימה לפאר העתיד!

Adieu!

Constrained but not confined……

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constrained motion

Constrained motion…

It is just past noon and the sun is still scorching, you can literally see the heat waves shimmering off the road surface…..and even my favorite hobby of swimming is not as enjoyable as it is wont but then I still will enjoy it because change is not solely defined by geographically location, it is to me a myriad of definitions depending on the present circumstances that surround you. This hopefully suffices for all those out there who want to know if I have ‘relocated’. “To struggle and to understand. Never the last without the first. That is the law.”– George Mallory

I had my last neurological assessment a couple of weeks prior to making this trip and as usual, it was an evaluation of how far I have come. How far has the myoclonus progressed? Are there newer symptoms that I have noticed between now and my last assessment? Yep! Myoclonus is more than just one word, it is a package of unpredictable responses by my neurological system that have ceased to be the center of my focus because it will always be about what I challenge myself with irrespective of whether it is a good or bad day. I left her (my neurologist) with a smile because everything about life can be compartmentalized by the struggles we each face daily. Of course, my assessment ended with an amended prescription – dosages increased, new drugs added but despite having to lug around a pouch filled with my medication, I remind myself that this disorder can only conquer me if I choose to allow it. Myoclonus might constrain me but I made the choice three years ago that I would not be confined by it, working through the mixed feelings of the depression of being finally diagnosed and the fact that I was not the only one struggling with something I never planned for.

And so back then I reassured myself that there was no better time than now to check off the boxes on my to do list, keep a journal and eventually start blogging after being encouraged to do so by my best friend. It has been more than 2 years ago that I made that first effort/attempt to pen down my thoughts – and did I struggle? Yes I did, but I look back now and its almost so far away that one might think it never happened. Alas to everything on earth, there is a beginning and an end – ironically none of us can truly influence each end of the spectrum but what we must do is to do what we can, now that we can.

Today, I reminisce about the 3 year journey and how so much change has been wrought in my life, the people that I have been blessed to encounter and those that may not have been such a blessing. The hard truth is that not everyone we encounter will be a blessing but everyone that we do encounter is there for a reason and will therefore evoke change in us – positive or negative, the choice is entirely up to us. In the course of this journey, I have learned more about medical research than I ever thought I would, forging a path in medicine was never a choice of mine to begin with. And so when I am severely constrained by bouts of sciatica or the worst case of the shakes, or be it the onset of rheumatoid arthritis or the unceasing struggle with the exhaustion of insomnia, I stride on. To me, they are all part of this nasty package called myoclonus – constraining and sometimes severely hampering everyday activities but for each day’s struggle, there is always some victory to be clinched at the end.

I appreciate constantly how unique I am, the strength of God’s love made manifest and the truth that He has, can and will bear this heavy burden. I realize that with the onset of something new in this struggle with myoclonus, there are more accompanying blessings than I can see and so that is what I choose to define me. It is those choices that influence the words I speak, the increasing empathy for people who are nigh on being completely helpless, the fact that I can forgive and move on with the exhilarating feel of true freedom. That I completely acknowledge that the ability to forgive is not mine to create, rather it is a gift of God that I can always tap in and utilize. Those moments of brokenness that have brought me to realize that the core of my strength is and never will be defined by the physical limits of this frail body, rather it is defined by One who words are so inadequate as to completely describe Him. He has, is and will always the very essence of my being. He is all things to me, I can because He says so and therefore what a walk in the park it will be.

It is always a joy explaining to the curious that despite how complicating myoclonus is (they usually never quite grasp the complexity of a nervous system disorder beginning from the brain or the resultant misfiring and overfiring of signals through my nervous system or the almost imperceptible but constant tremors), it is not what defines me. Yep, I may be a little wobbly or twitchy or require more attention than the next person be it in a seating arrangement or when it comes to simple tasks like joining a buffet line to grab a meal, however there is still so much that I can do because it is a phase that will definitely have an end. And it is that end, that we all on our personal paths, strive to attain so as to move on to the next phase or season. Life is a journey comprising a series of seasons but with one final destination in itself.

I am grateful for the beauty of having an emotional support and structure, quietly being set up during the darkest moments by God, the sacrifices made and given by very remarkable individuals – none of whom I anticipated ever meeting. Today, I am more than a patient, more than a part of the data complied for medical research; today I am who God says I am – that is the report I live with. And for everyone who has played such significant roles in my journey, I am grateful that you were/are a part of my journey because someday it will be all over…….and guess what? it won’t be long! Today, I am having the best moments of my life, and looking forward to even better times because my end will progressively and definitely be better than where I am now. It is, in all reality, all working together for my good. Such good that it will be savored by as many as possible, beginning with my household.

Remember this “Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved” – William Jennings Bryan

ייתכןשהרוחות תמיד תהיה לטובתך עד שנפגשנו שוב!

Adios!