Special thanks to Dan Gearhart for permitting me to share this….
A funny thing has happened to me lately, I have been growing physically and emotionally stronger every day fighting a disease that only takes and takes and never gives. I hate that I have this disease and will always wonder what would be different if it weren’t my fate. The answer is probably not as difficult as I think and really quite simple, I wouldn’t be the man I am today. I wrote last year on my birthday about not knowing how good you have it until it’s gone; that couldn’t be anymore truthful then it is this very moment. As I watch all my years of hard work and personal investments unnecessarily fade into the black hole of divorce, it’s hard to find any positives.
If I hear one more person say how much better off I will be I’ll just scream! It just stings too deeply, I still believe divorce is such a selfish act, children deserve so much more than what they are being given.
When I look at their innocence in all of this dysfunction – is when I feel the most helpless. Communication is the key to any broken lock and very much still is. Text, email, tweet, instant message, does anyone communicate verbally anymore? We even break up on line with the hidden messages meant to hurt each other. My wife recently removed our anniversary date from her social profile in a final attempt of petty abuse, further trying to nullify the 3 blessings our union created. I simply hate non verbal communication with all the drones staring at their phones texting because no one can truly function speaking to one another anymore. I am just as guilty typing one thought at a time and trying to read body language through a glowing screen and trying to fix something that doesn’t want to or can’t be fixed.
Even with everything that I have gone through lately, I still remain blessed with so much more than many others. I have so many praying for me and my family, not to feel blessed. I know my children’s love for me and mine for them is an unbreakable bond in which at this point can never be compromised and will prevail. I’ve owned nice things, lived in a nice warm house and have a great job all while raising 3 beautiful and innocent children. BUT….. there’s always a but……I have Parkinson’s and it’s teaching me how to be stronger than I ever thought and who my true friends are. In turn, my legacy to my children will be that ‘I Never Gave Up’ and I taught them how to be strong, compassionate humans in the face of adversity. That is so much more than the majority of the world will ever have. I just will always ask myself over and over what could I have done differently? The answer is nothing; which doesn’t really answer my question but makes me want to fight even harder at this part of my story. Hopefully, all this is making me into a better and stronger man. If you’re not growing spiritually, physically or emotionally your just not growing at all and at times my growth has been stunted.
Whatever you can do, I will try to do better. I may not always succeed, but I promise you I won’t quit until someone can prove me wrong or I’m just not capable anymore. Determined is a word that is very powerful to me, and I don’t use it lightly. I have felt a calling to help people in pain and this may be the next doorway that I must walk through. I live with Parkinson’s everyday as I awaken from bed and start my daily routine, simply for the love of my children. You see, I’m still learning and living with it even while it’s being used against me in divorce.
What most people don’t understand about Parkinson’s is it’s a disease that affects 10 million different people 10 million different ways, it has symptoms that come in various forms with no two people alike. Also, for some, it comes with a great deal of physical pain. The physical pain I can take, it’s the emotional which is mostly devastating. However, during certain periods you’d never know I have it, but that
takes work. You have to become an expert at your body, figuring out triggers while at the time trying to remain calm and peaceful inside. The natural reaction when hurt is to hurt back. What would you do if you hit someone and they didn’t hit you back? Does that make you weaker or stronger? At this point I would have to answer a little bit of both. As this disease keeps pushing me the only option I have is to push back and live with it. It’s made me stronger than I ever thought I could be but has also hurt me significantly. Recently a new friend gave me T-shirt that simply reads, “Hurt people hurt people, Blessed people bless people”. I’ll let you try and figure out which one I identify with.
Even though I struggle to find the blessing of a broken heart and family I question what good can come of this? My children don’t deserve this type of upbringing because my wife and I couldn’t figure it out, the difference is I can look into their eyes and say I tried with every fiber in my being to make it work. I really don’t hate anybody except those who intentionally try to hurt me or my family and pray to the Lord to forgive them as they can’t know what they do. I can only pray for her salvation as the bond we share is our children. Jesus died on the cross for our sins and I wouldn’t hesitate to lay down my life for one of my children to protect them from this ever increasingly evil world.
The thing is, this earth is just a pit stop and I am still the spiritual leader of my family. I’ve questioned my own religious beliefs in the past, struggling to get over my individual faith and hurdles. I still believe everything is part of God’s grand plan and if I am wrong at least I lived a life I could be proud of. My moto is ‘I always try to do the right thing’! If I’m guilty of sometimes being wrong, at least I admit it, but I try to never make the same mistake twice. One mistake I can not afford to make is with the salvation of my children, we have eternity to look forward to together. For now, I will love them as much as I can and be the best father and example I can be along this brutal pit stop.
I have been afraid to write much because of pending divorce proceedings, but my story will be told and my testimony will be that much stronger as the truth ultimately reveals itself one day at a time! I can only try to be a better man with Parkinson’s than without. Fight Parkinson’s, it’s what I do!