Family of strangers?….

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“In the family, happiness is in the ratio in which each is serving the others, seeking one another’s good, and bearing one another’s burdens.” – H.W Beecher

Today, I met Angela at the bus stop and summer is finally over (what a beauty the weather is…). Angela responded to my ‘hi’ and despite the drizzle, we both agreed that it was such a wonderful weather. Noticing my tremors and my staff of authority, she enquired more and having never heard of Movement disorders or Dystonia, I was pleasant enough to show her my health card which explains Myoclonus and describes the symptoms (saves me from having to do much talking) and in addition, states my medication. Quite a handy card, I will say. Being a little bit distraught with what she read and observed, she kindly helped me into the bus 29 and shared my seat, peppering me with questions borne with loads of sincere care and concern. A grandmother of Irish descent, she encouraged me to visit Ireland someday and complemented my sense of humour and cheer despite the ominous words that describe my condition, before getting off a couple of stops later. With an extra boost to my spirit, I continued onwards to my medical consultation acknowledging that I can never be alone no matter how bleak the days may seem. I have got a family in over seven billion people.

As a little kid, one of the phrases continuously drummed into my ears and passed on from generation to generation is ‘Do not talk to strangers!’ and as the years fell away and maturity set in, there inevitably followed a change in perspective and a greater appreciation of these childhood phrases and the appropriate application of wisdom and understanding. I recall vividly the story of the Good Samaritan that back in the days was as good a bedtime story as any and the underlying meaning behind the story: good neighbors (family) are those who help when you are in need and in the words of Archbishop Desmond Tutu “You don’t choose your family. They are  God’s gift to you, as you are to them’. Now I have truly come round in my little circle of life to appreciate the depths of these words, family is not defined solely by blood but by a genuine expression of concern and affection and an unquenchable desire to help alleviate another’s burdens – that is what makes family. And as I plod through life, I am blessed to meet family in every race, of every age, tongue, religion. Hey! we all have one origin and One Father and so regardless of the inactions of a few, how doth that measure against the over 7 billion that populate the earth?

I love almond nuts, cannot seem to truly encompass the beauty of those little nuts but I sure do love them. On thursday, I met Dee for the first time, all the way from the States, my first meeting with a stranger who had heard of me and had determined to squeeze out some time during her hols with her large family to say hello. Knowing of my love for almond nuts, she had walked into a departmental store in the States, purchased that bag of almond nuts and travelled with it all the way just for me. What an enjoyable period of time we spent, talking about my challenges, the current medical procedures, life, hope and above all, the faith that so unerringly defines and dictates my life. Now many would say, what is a pack of almond nuts compared to my regular weekly medical expense of £150 at the very least (excluding consultations), and my response would be that life is not all about money. Without the thought, there can be no giving and the pack of almond nuts was and is a clear case of giving. Dee, in those few hours, alleviated my burdens with her light hearted chats and lovable personality. Affection, care and concern are not resources that have a price tag, it is an expression of true familial ties, one borne from choice and not dictated by ‘tell me if you need something and I will be family to you’.

I opted to attend my high school alumni meeting on Saturday because of Dee. Having made a hash of my directions, I paused to get some rest from my severely aching back and tired legs (just to mention a few) and then across came Ian as he hurried along ostensibly to meet up with a pre-arranged meeting. Stopping by, he enquired if I was ok and in response to my stuttered need for directions, he pulled out his iPad phone, dropped his duffel bag, typed in my destination and then pointed me on my way (my destination was just two apartments away). “No worries,mate” was his parting words to me as he retrieved his duffel bag and watched me head in the right direction. As I contemplated on the kindness of a stranger, these words hit me “I don’t care about whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching — they are your family. ” – Jim Butcher

A couple of days back, I just had to do some errands – (I live alone) and help does not always come when you want it but things have to be done. A letter to post, a return to be made at ASDA and because of my mobility requirements, I just have to take a break now and then or face the inevitable consequences of tremors etc. I stopped by at Precious Moments to pawn my ring and also grab a chair and then I met Goli, beautifully wrapped in her hijab and ordering a pendant for her daughter. Devoutly muslim and a mother of four kids, she asked what she could do to make my respite better and enquired about my super hero outfit, yet again out came my card and with a ‘La il laha il Allah, Muhammad a rasool Allah.’, she fussed over me and after I explained where my hope, faith and strength came from even in the seemingly bleak situation – there is but one God and for every season, I trust Him to lead me in line with the reason, she gave it some thought and then delved deep into her purse, extracted a ‘prayer’ and handed over to me. Bading me well, she concluded her business and I was astounded by her public, unpretentious display of care and concern. “Strangers are just family you have yet to come to know.” – Mitch Albom

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As I receive countless opportunities of meeting various people, i count it a privilege not just to share my faith, my convictions, my hope but also to realise that I am never alone. Surrounded on all sides by strangers, I can now say that “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.” – Richard Bach.We are all blessed with so much to give and yet we choose to be so constrained by our self centredness, not realising that as we walk through life, we all have the opportunity to truly understand what a family of strangers that encompass us daily. And there can be no words that can ever eclipse the actions of our hands. I look around and am amazed at the mass of dead seas that persistently choose to receive and receive and receive, choosing to deny the beauty of blessings that amount to us if only we can but give from the little or the much that we are daily blessed with. For there is but one truth, and no amount of denial will upturn it – how blessed are they that give, for it is in giving that we truly express but a fraction of the love that we continuously receive from God above.

I can recall the conversation I had with my sibling several months back, when he so vociferously attempted to make me understand that the few friends that have stayed with me will someday disappear and I will realise that family is what counts (whether they act as such or not). Now in retrospect, I realise that the circumstances we find ourselves shape us to become better, stronger and wiser and so like Scarlet O’Hara, all resentment is gone with the wind because I not only know that some friends stick closer than brothers but that family is neither something we choose or is it only defined by blood but also sometimes and in some circumstances“Friends are God’s way of apologizing for your family.” – W.W Dyer (quite a quip, isn’t it?). The truth is that when we truly love another and unashamedly express it, then we truly embrace the beauty of family and realise with sudden clarity that we are surrounded on all sides by a family of strangers. All we can and should do, irrespective of your circumstance is stretch out a hand and help raise another up because all around us are countless hordes who are definitely unconcerned about how much we know until they know how much we care and then we can begin to change the world by spreading God’s love, one person at a time.

For the many like me, who are passing through such challenging times struggling with dystonia and movement disorders, realise that we each have a family of strangers who unceasingly pass through our lives for times such as these and whilst we are seemingly compelled to succumb to the whirlpool of despondency and depression, we can choose to stand tall and make a difference whilst we yet stand. “Let us make one point, that we meet each other with a smile, when it is difficult to smile. Smile at each other, make time for each other in your family.” – Mother Theresa

Remember what a miserable tale ours would be if we choose to just exist rather than live purposefully.

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios!

Just do right….

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“When you get, you give. When you learn, you teach!” – Annie Henderson

These simple words resonate through my entire being as I awakened to a new month, albeit a new day and I reminded myself that with each new day comes hope, help and loads of opportunities. Have you ever wondered why at certain times in your life, the things that usually go unnoticed suddenly assume an amazing degree of clarity? Or ever wondered what the entire purpose of being alive is? Or ever considered that niggling voice within you that insists you do what really do not feel like doing at certain moments? I believe that within each and every walking human, there is a purpose for being alive and whenever doubt assails you, be sure that you have acknowledged that purpose and are walking conscientiously by it. Hmmm! Pretty intense but that is the only way to be sure that your life counts for something.

It takes me 374 seconds to walk to the closest mail box and back, and yesterday just as I was struggling with getting my disobedient fingers to reach for my keys, I had the profound privilege of watching one of the most common wildlife events. I observed an orb-weaver spider diligently going about its interesting and intricate task of spinning its web. For many of us, it is an unknown fact that this seemingly simple task of spinning webs is not just a signature of most spiders but is an energy tasking one, usually requiring loads of protein. I really do not like spiders or crawly things but the beauty of the effort that went into the normal chore of most spiders was what interested me. And it made me realise that just like that spider, we all have been designed to excel in one thing and that is simply just doing right.

“I suppose there’s no good answer to that, Ryan. I wish there was. But if you take the wrong, path, something deep inside you will feel twisted. There are times when that will be the only way to know the right from the wrong.” – Inara Scott

Whenever I do get out, after loads of rest because of the energy sapping tremors associated with myoclonus, I am confronted with a myriad of responses from individuals – ranging from those who are freaked out and are frightened that it might be contagious to those who think it is a thing of amusement, barely concealing their smirks. Those who like Rose, have an understanding of the unique disorders of the human body and are eager to know more, and there are those who are unable to appreciate the fact that this is not something one would choose even in a totally inebriated state. There are those who flaunt the present wellness of their bodies and those who are unknowingly destroying themselves. However, the unifying factor amongst all these categories of humans is that we are all humans and so like Maya Angelou, I teach myself to recite this phrase ‘I am human and therefore nothing human should be alien to me’, that way I can deal with the barely concealed acts of insensitivity when I do encounter them.

I have actually embraced the Redcord therapy sessions (will put up pictures someday) because it is something new and even as Igor reiterates ‘you are a unique patient with a unique challenge’, I brace myself to continue to strive to do the one thing that comes easiest to a human, regardless of skin colour,  origins,  idiosyncrasies, or denials  – just doing right, (of-course in the effort lies victory). Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, we have all been designed to do right and although we all daily wage battles within ourselves to stray from that divinely assigned task, that is our task – to just do right and regardless of how much pain I am in or how discomfited I may be – I want to do right, I choose to do right. It is so difficult wearing my own shoes and heck, some days just getting out of bed is so herculean but I have and am committed to that task because that is how I can improve myself. It is only when we acknowledge that we get, that the need to give can be properly birthed. I am given daily and so I choose to do right by giving as much as I get, being careful to sieve out the anguish of being ‘unique’ and give of the good I receive daily.

“If you are at a point in your life where you are not sure what you need to do, which path to take, or whether you are doing the right thing. That is probably because your inner being is wanting you to delve deep within yourself and find what you truly want from your life, Your spirit is trying to guide you towards your life’s path. Please take a moment to think what you really want to do that you haven’t done so far, and what would make you happy. That’s probably the answer to your confusion. All your answers are within yourself’ – A. E. Moss 

Now I am at a point in my life where I am sure of what I need to do because I know that happiness is a choice you have to make and for me, despite the loneliness of my sojourn or the looming clouds above, I am not giving in. I will continue to do right even if it means I get to stand alone. I will persist in doing right even when the stuttering wants to obfuscate the very words I want to say. I will persist in doing right even when it makes me different because I know that is what I was made to do and as each day draws to a close and I sit in watch as the new day dawns because I am unable to sleep, I know that I am further strengthened by the very One who is my designer and my Companion. When I realise with every passing moment that my life is but a journey, then I know that as I plod along, I can only but leave behind me legacies by the very actions of my hands and not so much by the words of my mouth. I can only do right by doing it, not saying it and pray someday that just one person will catch the vision and walk with it. That I dare to say is a life fulfilled.

“What we can do, we must do: we must use what we are given, and we must use it the best we can, however much or little help we have for the task. What you have been given is a hard thing–a very hard thing… But my darling, what if there were no one who could do the difficult things?”  – Robin McKinley

It is indeed a new month and I always say it is better late than never. You can never go wrong when you simply just do right and so as I enthusiastically embrace the month with hope and determination, I know that within me lies the strength to not just triumph over this disorder but to also do right. As each of us, in his/her own little place begin to just do right, what an overwhelming tide of events we can cause to pervade our broken world. All it takes is to simply acknowledge that with the dawning of each new day, just like we welcome the breeze on our faces and bask in the warmth of the sun, so also we must acknowledge the good we receive and freely give just as we receive. Just do right, persist in it and behold the awesomeness of fulfilling your purpose daily.

Remember what a miserable tale ours would be if we choose to just exist rather than live purposefully. Just do right!

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios!

 

Voting with your feet……

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Use your feet, don’t stop at the mouth

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.”  – Elie Wiesel

I have just washed down my clonazepam and yet I am still up, the warm eyes of my bedside radio faithfully tell me it is a few minutes past 3am and there is just something really serene about the night-time – it is the best time to actually have a conversation, and I know only One who is up at every moment and I am truly grateful for the alone time because usually it is a time of replenishment especially after struggling through the week on a gas tank that gets depleted faster each time. I really should have gotten round to this earlier on but I just needed to really try to step it down a notch. I take my last 300mg of gabapentin round about midnight and then wait, watch and pray for the sleep to really come. By the way, you know there is this thing about true victory – in the effort, lies victory. And for me, undeniably it has been a full week and just like the tastefully prepared Subway sandwich, there has been loads of sweet and sour and spicy but together it tastes great.  The fact remains that life is all about moments and so we have to choose those that will push us just that lil bit further down our path.

Going by the words of Aristotle “man is by nature a political animal” and therefore the way we live our lives to a very large extent determines what party you belong to – the crowd, the nonchalant and indifferent, the vociferous or the egregious,the nay sayers or the doers. We all each need to truly realise where we are before we can then aspire to be where we want to belong. However this is not a political pitch, I am a firm proponent of being a flag bearer of the truth and therefore in today’s world that makes you alone most times. Beautiful memories of days of activism still serve me and yet I still commit myself to bestir me from the lethargy that so warmly embraces most of us. Just choosing not to do anything and even when there is a need, we prefer to ask more questions (and usually end there) as against just doing something. I would love to appreciate my friend and brother – Uch for giving me the title for this piece and be assured that the word ‘vote’ certainly transcends ballot boxes anyway.

It is always more intriguing trying to express my journey through these words but I am assured that there are many who are presently sitting on a pile of lemons, battered and bruised by the impact of being constantly hit in the face with lemons and just out of ideas and it is really to you that I speak to because there again, you have to vote (and in this context, it simply means doing more than just talking) to either wallow in a putrid atmosphere of rotting lemons or get to work, making lemonades. I just responded to my cuz that the lemonade has become so normal to me now that I have chosen to spice it up with a little tequila……funny right, considering I do not imbibe alcohol. Thank God it is Saturday morning – it is a new day and every morning that I can behold the rays of the sun awakening in its splendour, I know that I can and will make it.  And like Dan Ruther, I would much rather wear out than rust out.

But what happens when you cannot help but acquiesce to the fact that your feet simply cannot go any further? That was the amusing event that occurred on Monday. It takes me about 390 seconds to the shopping mall and as usual, because I do have to really rest, I usually kinda try to make my outings count even though I get to do it alone but hey! we all have to vote and our feet need to take us from point A to B in order to make that vote count – this includes me with my trusty staff of authority that is already showing signs of strain and wear but I dunno about you, every accoutrement of mine says ‘I am still here for you’ and from experience, I have come to actually believe what they tell me in comparison to the deluge of unkept promises and insincere statements that I am inundated with almost daily. And so I decided to see if I could do just a lil bit of shopping as I was almost out of instant meals and fruits. Now the weird thing about this disorder is that no matter how much you would love to ignore it and just carry on for once like the average human being – before you know it, it eerily whispers its commands to my neurological system and the alarm bells go clanging away. The state of independence and emergency rule is declared – you cannot help it.

So there I was, after barely being able to cross the road, plunked down on a road bench wondering how I was going to get home. And I really cared less for the little groceries I picked up, I just needed to get home but how was the issue. The cab companies were not too forthcoming and so I prepared myself to wait for some miracle to take place because miracles do occur every moment. And then It hit me, I had scheduled a house call by my friend and brother and so immediately, with barely responsive fingers (thank God for bluetooth ear pieces), I called out and he rushed to my assistance – helping my quivering  mass into his car and home. Phew! that was really a close call. Anyway we got talking and at the end of the nice company, absolutely unexpected gift and him being there for me, I took away that phrase that until each of us begin to vote with our feet, we are pretty much consigned to a world where anything goes. A case of whichever goat cries the loudest is taken to be the hungriest. And here again, I am completely flummoxed….why do we spend more time making all these neighing noises and yet still standing where we are. One of the fundamental principles of life is that a real man puts his money where his mouth is and in this case, money represents action. We are constantly inundated with words from all sides but the real difference is the ones that actually get put into action.

Like I said, it has been a week – commenced the novel Redcord therapy (redcord.com) here in the UK and undeniably it is something new and worth a shot. Why curl yourself into a ball, throw a pity party and allow yourself be thumped into submission when you can simply get up and actually do something about your present circumstances. Vote with your feet, enough of the semantics and the speeches – it is time to do something and even if it has to be baby steps – get your feet moving. In a bid to fight insomnia, I have downloaded ‘Sleep Time by Azunmio’ which helps record my sleep cycle and tell me how I am faring and even though the stats are not very encouraging, at the very least I am doing something about something. Thanks Vas! I do understand how difficult is it make you understand how difficult it is to really get that sleep but I am thankful for the few hours I do get to notch because I am aware that there are a few who cannot even get an hour. So irrespective of how beaten down you may be, just take a second to realise that there is someone out there who could with a sincere expression of love, humanity, kindness and compassion because it is only in giving off ourselves that we can truly make room for something newer and different.

I recall the teenager who after loads of tests (as usual) was finally diagnosed with idiopathic hypersomnia, which is an entire reverse of insomnia but I applaud her resilient spirit because nobody can take that from you. And what an awesome experience it has been for me, choosing to place that resilience (it needs upping sometimes) in the Hands of the One who is sure to stand by you through the gloom of the valley of the shadow of death because there is really no hiding place from Him but you have got to vote with your heart and feet and then trust Him to do the rest. It is definitely no bed of roses but you know that you are never walking alone, and that feeling is priceless because no matter how much, a friend, brother, acquaintance pledges to be there for you – this is your journey and they have got yours so save yourself those heart- wrenching moments of despair when they just cannot fit you into their plans, remember it is their plans, not yours and there is only One whose plans for you are true and He will also be there walking you through them but you have to vote with your feet and heart, begin with a sincere conversation with Him and give Him room. I have done that and it sure keeps me going when all else fails.

I have learnt to continue giving for as long as I have got something to give and amazingly there is always something to give but you just cannot let the thought simmer forever in your heart, get those feet moving. Stand for something at the very least or like the crowd on the bandwagon, you will fall for anything. If you have truly experienced the pleasure of seeing that glow light up another’s face when you can share something positive in deeds then that alone is a dead ringer that you are more than just mere statistics. As each day affronts us with its myriad of opportunities, let us do less of words and more of action because you will be remembered not by the words you spoke but by the actions you took – and it begins with casting off that indifference and nonchalance and actually doing something. Thank you for the likes of gorgeous Ure, Funsh with his persistence even if he always has to say the last word, Estee for simply wanting to be different, solid Lola, amazing Shirls, Dee and HCM and a host of many who have been raised up for times such as these. I am giving back too and will continue to because life in itself is a test and you either choose to take it or be forced to take it. It is such a beautiful day indeed and yet again, I see hope even as the morning rays make their way into my room. Grab the opportunity and actually do something for a change – givers never lack and that is why I have chosen to be one. Anyway I really cannot afford to lack more than I already have but with each day, I know it is gonna be better than the last.

Remember what woes of miseries betide they who are simply existing when you can truly experience a life of purpose.  I cap my thoughts for now and see what catnaps i will get 😀

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios!

Judgement

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Christopher Shaw's avatarMy Life With A Movement Disorder

I hate when people are put in boxes. When they are overgeneralized as lazy, unintelligent, worthless or any other adjective you can think of. We tend to want to put anyone who is different from us into a category that is lesser. We most often either judge someone and do nothing or judge and try to help. I don’t believe either is okay. Doing nothing is simply uncaring and unloving. Trying to help on the other hand is generally just to inflate our own ego’s. When we try to help someone we try to make them into a morally better person which too often is just a version of ourselves. Before writing someone off as hopeless or in need of your help, first try to understand where they are coming from.

I’m a white, middle class, male who lives in a society dominated by white males. I know little of…

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Just Wait…..

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Roxie…..

Right now, I feel like I was run over by a 30-ton Mack Truck. Struggling severely with insomnia and it does not look like I am getting the edge, was up till about 3am. The weather forecast was as usual spot-on; Rained all through the wee hours of the morning but it is a welcome development even though some say London rains are pesky and annoying. For me, really wish I could dance in the rain especially after the blistering summer and the almost unbearable heat. The consistent tremors ensure that I would be a perfect cast for the role of a super hero “Mr Exothermic” – that is one of the pros of Myoclonus. I am really considering having a yard sale for my thermal wear because I have gotten so used to my favourite birthday suit.

Anyway I had to go see my chiropractor again and twas yet another mixed session, he did comment on my fatigue level and emphasised the need for sleep (as though I enjoy not being able to sleep) however we both share the same opinion regarding most doctors and their appalling lack of honesty and professionalism. But this is not the real reason for getting onto my trusty companion – I had a mind-blowing encounter and that is what I want to share, and the lessons I learnt in the space of about 15 minutes on my way back home.

I love dogs, have always done regardless of the size and breed (although my predilection is for the huge ones). I would say that as a kid growing up, my best friend was Snoopy and even though he was not the real deal for whatever reasons (I guess pets were not really allowed in our rented house back then) but he taught me what loyalty meant. With each tug on his leash, he would roll behind me – tail wagging and droopy ears moving up and down. He was supposed to be a retriever anyway. He is still alive somewhere, missing a wheel or two but still unflinching in his loyalty. I am so proud that my little princess is also fond of dogs too. H.W Shaw captures it perfectly thus “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.”

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Snoopy and I

As I made my way across the road to catch the 364, I met Roxie and it was like love at first sight, as she waited with her beautiful brown eyes and sleek black hair just outside the pharmacy. Seated on her haunches on the wet ground attached by her leash to the gate stand. She sure had one of the gentlest eyes and with just a brief glance at me, she continued her vigil and I did not need to watch Dynamo Impossible to realise  that her owner was in the pharmacy. Eyes fixed unwavering at the door of the pharmacy, head cocked as she looked through the glass plate window and just a brief glance at anyone who passed near – she waited and waited and waited.

Just as any real dog lover would, my heart went out to her because with each opening of the door, I also waited with expectation (it was so infectious) and still she sat on her haunches. No straining, no whining, just that blind unwavering watching and waiting that only dogs can express so sincerely. And so, I was not in a rush anyway, I waited with her – my heart going out to her as the slight rain persisted and yet Roxie waited. After a couple of minutes, I became apprehensive that there was a possibility she had been forgotten and so I made my way carefully (body aching as usual) into the pharmacy just to help her confirm that her waiting was not in vain.

With bated breath I approached the door, just as the ‘last’ customer (from my point of view) exited and as I made my way in, heading for the visibly empty counter, I saw two ladies at the far end of the shop. It was such a moment of relief which further blossomed as I heard the words “could you please hurry up, I’ve got my dog waiting outside”  What a thrill those words represented to me and as I exited the pharmacy, I whispered to Roxie “She’ll soon be out.” Taking a vantage point at the bus stop, knowing that the next bus would require me spending another 12 minutes, I watched with a wide grin as Roxie’s owner (Tracy) emerged and she leaped up with joy – finally the wait was over. I boarded the bus and together we each made our way home .

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Tracy & Roxie – the wait is over

Funny how those few minutes gave me an entirely new perspective regarding my struggle with Myoclonus. Roxie couldn’t read but she trusted that she was left outside for reasons unknown to her but known to Tracy. She continued waiting even in the slight rain because that was what Tracy asked her to do. She waited, confident in the fact that no matter how long it took, Tracy would re-emerge and they would both go home. She didn’t make a fuss about the conditions outside, she just waited – eyes fixed on the door through which Tracy had disappeared. She couldn’t have heard Tracy urging the pharmacist to hurry up and yet she waited.

Most of us would have given up the wait, hey! the ground was wet. We do not know why we are in this situation but we dare not give up because it is but for a season. Yes, the sleepless nights, the incessant tremors, the annoying independence of our neurological system, the indiscreet whispers and stares thrown our way, the look of indifference and nonchalance we encounter from those around us, the unwillingness to help…..the list is endless, sometimes we just wanna scream ‘I have had enough of this’ but guess what? Let us still wait because He’s in there (though we may not see Him or even acknowledge Him) working out things for our good. As I rode home on the bus, I muttered some words of thanks to Roxie for teaching me to wait.

We did not choose to have a rare neurological disorder (who would) but let us remember that we were born for a reason and purpose and presently, the ground beneath us is so wet and uncomfortable, we are cold and seemingly alone and abandoned but let us learn from Roxie to just wait because it is merely for a season and regardless of how long the season seems to last, someday, it is gonna end – one way or another and then we will make our way home joyfully. Every memory of the long wait and the bad seasons encountered in our sojourn, eclipsed by the joy of the reassurance that we are truly loved by the only One that really matters the most. And that as long as we just wait, eyes fixed where it matters the most, casting but brief glances to the distractions that  want to take our attention away then we can rest assured that we will inevitably finish as victors.

Remember that ours is not a life of mere existence but one of purpose,, so let us choose wisely and just wait.

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios!

 

Little Gestures…..

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“You know about a person who deeply interests you more than you can be told. A look, a gesture, an act, which to everybody else is insignificant tells you more about that one than words can” – Henry D. Thoreau

Wednesdays are my favourite days – I was born premie on a Wednesday, it marks the middle of the week (an opportunity to improve and turn around from antecedents), it deviates slightly in nomenclature and it describes me perfectly and I wanna share this one.

“Whenever you are not living on the edge, it simply means that you are taking up too much space” these are the words Morgan Freeman has striven to adhere to since his encounter with Clint Eastwood and those same words resonated a chord within me when I heard them on Sunday because I have learnt that everything about life is a balance, and that balance is clearly evident in the beauty of the life and creation that surrounds us. And for me, living on the edge is a delicate balance that we all should strive to either by choice or by compulsion. I am greatly moved by the number of feedback that I have received from this simple but thoroughly enjoyable self assigned task of writing, and to the number of unique individuals all over the world who I have been privileged to come in contact with….I doff my hat and applaud them. Being different, even in little gestures by following this blog, liking a link or actually posting a comment, is such a monumental task especially in a world that consistently wants you to just be part of the crowd.

Yesterday was the service of songs of an old schoolmate of mine from High School, a sad loss because he was still in his prime and I recall my conversation with my old classmate about how much a living hell he almost made my life back then but what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. So thank you, Tabana (Tagbo Chuba Agbim) – may your soul truly find bliss! Going through Facebook, I was awed at the size of the crowd that were able to make out the time to make their presence felt (unfortunately I missed that of my friend, Debbie). In the words of my old classmate – Andy, someone who has also tried to be there for me, belonging to such an awesome group like the alumni of your High School is such a profound experience and at my last count, there are over 2,000 FGCW facebook members and this is no mean feat because I have also met some truly wonderful individuals there. Dee, you are always in my thoughts and HCM, thanks for the love.

I recently came across an article that stated the top 5 greatest regrets of the dying – Wishing you had the courage to truly express your feelings, Wishing you had stayed in touch with your friends (now it is pertinent to correctly define a friend as one who is neither scared to correct you when you are wrong nor scared to stand with you even when you are all alone) and Wishing you had let yourself be happier. Now how scary are these wishes because they epitomise the very fears that plague many of us today and still a countless number are too lily livered to confront their fears. Need I remind us of the inevitability of death? “Maybe the fact that when we do admit that death is inevitable, some of us may be bold enough to lead meaningful lives” – the sands of time will always be there if we acknowledge that making our lives sublime will ensure we do leave footprints behind when we are gone. And as I marvelled at the size of the crowd at Tabana’s funeral, I asked myself ‘why do we always wait till people are departed before we are bold enough to show those little gestures that go a long way than mere words or being just an attendee at a funeral?’

Each day arising in its splendour provides us with ample opportunities to be more resourceful in the lives we have been privileged to encounter, with special attention to those who we know are going through a tough patch at that point in time. Regardless of how irrelevant we choose to be, considering that your pocket list or to-do list begins and ends with you, one thing stands sure – you will either be remembered for what you did or what you did not do? John Ruskin says ‘A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package‘ and all around us, extremely tiny packages are bustling about, trapped in their fears of being unable to liberate themselves from self-centredness. How expensive is a kind word offered to someone in pain? How close to bankruptcy will sending a bouquet of flowers or a get well card or a gift to someone who is ailing bring you to? How fulfilled do you feel when you don your well pressed garments and sit in attendance at the funeral of someone who you were blessed to know, knowing that there were so many little gestures you could have chosen from to say ‘I care about you’ whilst the deceased was still alive? When do we actually bestir ourselves to actually begin to live a life as opposed to just existing?

I have the profound privilege of experiencing one of the countless blessings from God after staying many years with one of the lowliest individuals that can ever be found (and you really have to search for this category of individuals – they are committed to a life of misery, woe and an inevitable end), one who contracted the deadly HIV from her clandestine amorous affairs and sought to desperately pass it across by attempting to conceal it from me. I stand unscathed and stronger, and I can say without an iota of pride that when you truly give, you can never ever be disconcerted or discomfited. What is it about this 6-letter word (GIVING) that causes the pride of creation to suddenly choose to become a blithering being – a far position from your real position? And how much consolation will the sudden effusion after the life is gone really bring to you? WAKE UP! Look around you, the Tabanas, the Debbies don’t give a hoot anymore – you had the chance but you chose not to. Making that persistent choice to just be a face in the crowd and maybe if you aspire hard enough, an image in a group picture is definitely not the way to live a life sublime, least of all leaving footprints in the sands of time.

It is such an honour that I am living on the edge, and encountering unique individuals who are also doing so, even with the botox shots and the bouquet of medication whose side effects are often scarier than the effects of the drugs themselves. Individuals who despite their cramped fingers, painfully distorted muscles and limbs and tremor-giving ‘moves like Jagger’ can still find time to show those little gestures that tell you that they are still willing to give even when they ought not to. Being un-scared to talk about their fears and still be bold enough to see hope in the hopelessness that seems to assail them on all sides. I recall my last conversations with my attorney and solicitor and friend, and with regards to their question about how I was coping with the bills and related issues – I can say honestly thank you to all those who chose to say no and do nothing because like Albert Einstein, I also can say I did it by myself – strengthened all the way by Him who delights in me. We are all presented with opportunities daily to do something right, give of ourselves without fear because in truly giving, we experience not just happiness but joy (and I assure you the latter is definitely better and longer lasting).

I choose not to focus on the nay sayers or the dead seas that surround me, but instead reach within me and still give irrespective of how little these gestures may be because I am wholly convinced that my little will be transformed to  much in the life of just at least one individual who desperately needs it. And so I say, to you, feel free to call on me and you will have a listening ear in the first instance because I know what a lonely road it is, being different and living on the edge, and how priceless true companionship is and together we can each proclaim “I AM STILL STANDING, bring it on!!!”

Remember, to live a life or simply exist is a choice that must be made, nonetheless the fact is we were created for purpose.

פרידה עד שנפגש שוב בתזמון שלו עצמו

Adios!

Catching The Glimpse…..

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Oh my! Spent last night counting down the hours as I sought the very elusive sleep but that is not the point behind my getting on to my keypad. Yesterday morning I did something that was completely out of character for me.  Mind you, I had a torrid week – frequent bouts of sciatica, each one seemingly more severe than the other and even immediately after my hurriedly scheduled session with my favourite chiropractor and friend, I was almost scissored in two as I was hit by another bout however I guess that is how the proverbial cookie crumbles. Life is consistent in its assigned task of the gradual process of crumbling cookies, whichever way the cookie does stand, someday it gets crumbled – an inevitable end! But in the words of Martin Luther King Jnr “Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man (situation/dystonia/FMD) can’t ride you unless your back is bent.” (emphasis mine)

And so as I yet again dealt with the arduous task of putting on my shoes (I am particular about that task because it certainly brings to bear all the control I can muster up just to perform that seemingly routine everyday chore), I decided to switch on my cute iBush HD television to distract my mind from the associated pains. And I had a mind-blowing experience as I listened to Oprah on Super Soul Sunday hosting popular American motivational speaker, Iyanla Vanzant and as I listened to her story, there were certain nuggets that hit me in the right place and made me catch that glimpse that we all need sometimes in our lonely sojourn down paths that we would never have chosen if we were given the chance to choose. I pushed aside the pain and straightened my back regardless of the tremors and intense pain along my spine because whether we choose to accept it or not, He speaks to us every moment – the question is what we have chosen to listen to.

We are blessed on all sides by gifts but most times we are not prepared to receive those gifts even when we are handed those gifts in hand. And there again, I am compelled to return to my choice subject – chance versus choice. All of us are given the chance to make an opportunity of our lives, whether we choose to acknowledge that we have been created to live a life and not solely existing for the reason of being a statistic in global population. That is an express manifestation of whatever choices we make because the chances will continue to inundate us on all sides and even as I trudge through this tunnel, I choose to catch a glimpse of the hope and rest that awaits me – knowing that every day brings a ray of hope that the cobwebs of depression can do nothing about. I look around me and I see countless others who are struggling with their own pains and hurts and I choose to realise that I can set mine aside and help them realise that in each of our darkest hours, nothing can stop the light from piercing through but it is our choice to catch that glimpse and move on or succumb to the gloom that so eagerly desires to clutch us in its embrace of cold hopelessness and depression.

“Each days dawn is like a recurrence of the first act of the Creation as if again a decree had gone forth: Let there be light. And as the earth whirls on its orbit, there sweeps westward a band of brightness, fringed by the half-light of daybreak. The suns rays, themselves all energy, bring new energy to every living thing.” – Anon E. Moss

And so each new day, I choose to wait and catch that glimpse of light, confident in the knowledge that as long as there is a ray then the whole essence of creation is and can at some moment in our existence be awash with the fullness of the light that so clearly illuminates our weaknesses, resentments, hurts, anguish, betrayals and gives us that blissful opportunity to choose to be born anew shedding all that so easily besets us and forging on with the sparkle renewed in our eyes and hope in our hearts that we can be of some assistance to just that one person who like so many of us have chosen to be swept along the rapid currents of life, not even taking a moment to appreciate the fineries and beauty of creation. I have spent many a nights, tossing in agony trying so anxiously to tell myself that pain is not synonymous with birth. But the truth remains that there must be labour pangs before something more beautiful is birthed.

Not giving in to the crushing weight of helplessness, so graciously expressed by the ignorance of many a physicians but realising that we can choose not to allow our backs be bent by whatever assails us. I was recently discussing with my friend, Mwenya and we both agreed that the time for change is not to be determined for us by anyone but that  the catalyst for change lies deep within us. Regardless of the hordes that trudge past us daily as we struggle with this elusive disorder, nobody can stop us from catching that glimpse associated with each new day. Putting aside the neighing of many, as they pretentiously whisper the usual words devoid of any sincerity and warmth, I acknowledge the few who despite their inability to fully comprehend what FMD is, still yet stand by, pledging their availability whenever the storms almost overwhelm me. I know that it is not about the path most travelled, it is about the courage to walk your own path and dare to be yourself. Pulling myself by my shoe strings and accepting that on each new section of this journey, there will always be just a few out there cheering me on. I admit that I will accept those few gifts, whispered in hushed tones and discreet gestures, knowing that each life I meet – there is something to pass on.

I realise that as the darkness swirls overhead, nothing can blot out that glimpse of hope and like many a sailors, perched on the wreckage of their vessels peering through the fog, someday I too with triumphant voice will loudly proclaim these words “LAND AHEAD! I have reached my destination” and whilst battered and bruised my body might be, my spirit is aflame with hope that victory is certain and sure. “I am well aware of the toil and blood and treasure that it will cost to maintain this liberty, and support and defend what has been so fiercely obtained. Yet through all the gloom I can see the rays of ravishing light and glory. I can see that the end is worth more than all the means.”

Remember, to live a life or simply exist is a choice that must be made, nonetheless the fact is we were created for purpose.

פרידה עד שנפגש שוב בתזמון שלו עצמו

Adios!

Yet life continues…..

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Today I had to strike off a second name from my praying list, Debbie has gone to be with her creator and stands triumphant over ill-health, sufferings, anguish and above all the insensitivity of those who never ever have just that tiny room to accommodate another besides themselves. For me, it has been a weekend plagued by severe bouts of sciatica and lack of sleep and now I can empathise with sleep walkers just because their bodies are not in sync with their neurological system. Clawing my way through the webs of despondency that seek to keep me entangled, feeling especially the betrayals and hurts brought on by having to erroneously depend on another who clearly cannot share your situations and needs.

There is an Irish saying that goes thus

“May love and laughter light your days,
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life’s passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours.”

And in as much we all would gladly acquiesce to these words, life sometimes is more than just smooth sailing and when the gloom and despondency assails, what will our response be? I feel the hurt of letting people go, not because I have got a pool of available and willing hands but because it is a choice that has to be made, acknowledging that life is a solitary journey and what a pleasure there is when you can get but that one who is willing to walk some distance with you and whilst the pleasure may linger, there must come a time of parting. I take solace in the fact that there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother, and what glorious hope awaits me as I make my way wearily down this path strewn with so much rubble that every step looks like it just might be my last. However, I glance around and behold many who have had the gauntlet thrown down in their face and have eagerly conceded defeat without a thought of what their life might have been.

Amidst the anguish of the weekend, the memory of my LBJ fills my heart with strength and will to carry on because “Friendship needs no words – it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness.” – Dag Hammarskjold  I know that this tunnel is just that, and at the very end I can espy the glimmer of light shining through and despite my aching bones, I trudge on remembering to exchange words of hope to those that I am privileged to encounter because it is in giving, we receive. I know what lies ahead will make the present pale into insignificance but for the now, I brace myself with strength supplied from on High and plod on. Disregarding the smirks and whispers from those who wallow in their ignorance, the quickly withdrawn hands thrust out spitefully and the desperation of those who failing to attain the heights I have, now seek in absolute futility to pull me to the depths of their woeful existence.

I am being blessed daily with innumerable portions of joy and peace and I choose to acknowledge these, incomprehensible by those who stand with arms akimbo and yet I accept the company of the very few who are raised up on my behalf and to them I gladly extend my arms in warm embrace. So life continues, irrespective of how low I feel because mine is a life of purpose and fulfill it, I must.

Let us remember that we were made to live and not just exist.

פרידה עד שנפגש שוב בתזמון שלו עצמו

Adios!

 

My Journey (3)

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A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam that flashes across his mind from within, more than the luster of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his own thought, because it is his. In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts as they come back to us with a sort of alienated majesty. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A couple of days back, I had reason to share my thoughts and blog with a friend and his response was in the same words as quoted above. I realise with a degree of nostalgia that I had always believed that writing has and will always be the best form of expression for the heart and whilst many may yet dream of their own moment of fame, deep within, the beauty of who you were made to be lies dormant and unused. Till that very cataclysmic event, causing you to reassess your values and priorities, occurs. That sadly remains the scenario of many of us, scurrying around doing all sorts of activities and yet neglecting the very one purpose that defines us.

I have decided to take some form of hiatus from all doctors, after my last appointment (if it could be termed that) and generally take a brief interlude from all the arrogance that usually emanates from the utterances and attitudes of many a doctors. Notwithstanding the frequent bouts of unceasing pain, relentless in its companionship or the despondency that looms above like the sword of Damocles, I tell myself even with gritted teeth that life devoid of trials would be a life un-lived and that for every season, there is a beginning and an end. But most importantly, even in the midst of all this, my anchor holds within the storm.

A smile creases the corners of my mouth as I recall the essential tremors back in my childhood that became the butt of many jokes after Parkinson’s Syndrome became a celebrity riding on the fame of men like Mohammed Ali et al. Almost imperceptible at first but as the years progressed, silently it stuck, increasing in intensity as I plied through life seeking that elusive Golden Fleece. Undeterred by lack of adequate health care, suffering the many incidences and accidents that characterise the life of a growing male, still I ploughed through, making the best of every task assigned to me, striving for the idealism that I held in my heart. Acknowledging that this life was but a journey, and with unflinching faith as my companion, I persisted through the emotional upheavals and traumas that assailed me. Made my share of wrong decisions, stood by my beliefs and waded through the filth of betrayal, allbeit on my own.

Today I stand, still undeterred but convinced that no man can go it on his own – I know that I have a purpose and with each new day that dawns, help will never be lacking. I have been blessed by countless everyday heroes, ordinary individuals like me who despite their constraints and medical challenges can still tell their story of inspiration. I applaud the lives of those who have and are still standing with me through this tumultuous period, sacrificing their very own resources – unfazed by the seemingly helplessness of their own efforts. I also applaud the lives of those who choose to watch with disdain from the sidelines, hoping that this ship will go down but I appreciate you for giving me the will to go on. I do acknowledge that for every success, there must be a multitude of witnesses and so to you, I say, watch and grasp the opportunity to make the right choices whilst you still can because time waits for no man. There will never be a white flag hoisted from the bows of this ship, that I can assure you.

I have withstood the isolation of separation from LBJ and the solitude of pain, learning to utilise the gifts within me and to humbly receive immeasurable amounts of grace sufficient for each day. Learnt not to be too proud to ask for a hand and not to be too tenacious to cling unto that which has lost its essence. No man is indispensable but there is but One in whom my anchor holds and regardless of how stormy the gales be, my anchor holds within the storm. Regaling myself with this hiatus, I know that it is not the utterances of man that will define me but the truth spoken once and heard daily in the tweeting of the birds every morning, in the stillness of the afternoon and in the coolness of the evening breeze accompanied by the twinkling of a million stars held in their place by Him. Now I know that for every step of this journey, I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly trust the Cornerstone.

It may take a million words or just a few words, but my voice will be heard as I proclaim this truth, there can be no hopelessness as long you are not afraid to hope. I do have appointments next week but I keep them not because therein lies the solution but because I know that they are means to an inevitable end and you can fly if only you believe. It is never too late to unshackle yourself from that which has kept you bound all this years, and simply believe that you were made for such a noble purpose, so noble that you alone were made for it and even as we number each day, the lives that have come and gone, let our decision be “I choose to live a life of purpose irrespective of what life tosses along my path”.

Remember, ours is not merely a life of existence but one to be lived.

פרידה עד שנפגש שוב בתזמון שלו עצמו

Adios!

Digging In……

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It sure feels good to be recalled back into relief duty (as active as I can muster up on the day of assignment) and it really cannot have come at a more opportune time especially coming on the heels of the last medical consultation I had with a so-called medical expert supposedly well versed in this field but who is clearly unable to bend down and lace her own shoes. Even as I waited with bated breath, watching the minutes count down in my eagerness to close that chapter, I could not help but remind myself that for as long as we live, the best helping hands you will ever get are right there at the ends of your own arm. I look around with unfeigned disgust at the path many of us have taken, choosing to base our life choices at the behest of some person who knows no more than you can tell him. There is no end to knowledge and…” be admonished: of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh.” – Sol. We can never rewrite the story of humanity and its creation, there is one source and one end.

It still beats me hollow at the insensitivity of man to the sufferings and agony of those around them whilst dwelling on their own selfish need for self-aggrandizement and for them, that is enough driving force however no matter how long you choose to bury your head in the sand, that is just what you will be – An orifice for the sands of time as time blows past you, covering whatever feeble tracks you may have hitherto laid. One truth has withstood the test of time, that truth has empowered generations past and given them the opportunity to seize and bequeath the legacies, many so limply take for granted today. That truth is WE CAN CHOOSE! Despite your admissions of helplessness and dependence, that truth still stands against you – what then will your course of action be? I look around and behold many who have chosen to bury their heads in the sand but remember just like the flotsam carried around by the waves, someday you will be deposited on some forlorn shore with nobody even recognising that you ever existed.

I recall with some degree of nostalgia, the lives of those who have soldiered through life, battling courageously against the health challenges that seemingly buffeted them on all sides. Many, today, stand victorious behind the shroud confident of the fact that to every season, there is a beginning and an end. And for those who have made the right choices, your end is sure and certain – for it is all working together for your good. I evaluate the relationships I have participated in, just like the sheep differs from the goat, so many of these relationships have come and just like the proverbial house built on sand, they stand crumbled with nothing worthy upholding them. And yet still a few stand, and many more are still being forged even now. I recall the conversations I have had with friends, the sheer horrors and experiences received at the hands of people they called friends and I ask, who gives man the right to seek his own pleasure at the detriment of another. I am still standing, not by any measure of my own strength but BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN MADE FOR A PURPOSE.

“Man has a choice and it’s a choice that makes him a man.” – John Steinbeck. How many of us have so eagerly given up that God-given ability to choose and have instead chosen to dwell their hopes on the utterances of  others. What makes another better than you? It is by your desire to cast away your ability to choose, and defer instead to another. I read about diverse solutions proffered that are so eagerly grabbed without taking cognizance of the fact that you can make your own path, by choice. I am appalled at the weakness of our generation as we like sheep without shepherd mill around with no direction, counting and hoping instead that somebody else will make a better plan for our lives. For in the words of Thomas Carlyle “The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but rather what they miss.” Undaunted by what life tosses at you,we just have to keep on jostling and being jostled because like every farmer knows, taking the roughest road with your harvest of potatoes is the best way to categorize your harvest – the best of us rising to the top and the least sinking beneath in their inability to make their own choices and take a stand.

As I pour out my heart on this page, I acknowledge that sometimes, we just have to admit that we are on our own and the moment we can rise above the gloominess of that circumstance, the rays of light like the javelin will pierce through our gloom and cause the long sought illumination to become a reality. Whatever things you have unconsciously surrendered to, this is a call to shake off those shackles, dig in and birth the jewel within you. Nothing of value lies on the surface, deep down within each and every one of us, even as we are assailed on all sides by the insensitivity of man and the trials of life, there is something of inestimable value which nobody can take from us. Let go off all the past hurts and resentments, the betrayals and shallow mindedness of those who failed to recognise us for who we are and stand straight and tall. For as we do that, our weather-beaten brows scarred by these medical challenges, then we can truly utilise our helping hands and dig in to reveal the beauty of who we are meant to be. There can be no song without a story, no ballad without a tale but in all of these – nothing is closer to the truth than this……..It is in our hands, not another’s!

I have known huge financial burdens, some days seemingly overwhelming and clutched straws in expectation of the hands of others. I have walked through emotional and physical traumas, and yet I still stand. Regardless of the cowardice of those whom I once called friends, today I have made better ones and despite the bills and uncertainty of what tomorrow may hold, I choose to make the best of what I have today. For in giving, I receive. In assisting others, I get the urge and strength to plow on knowing that no matter how long the tunnel is, there is light at the end and though I stumble and fall from the sheer weight of this burden, I will yet pick myself up and soldier on. Digging in and making use of that which has been unerringly placed within me for times like this, I have made my choice, and that I stand by be it in isolation or not because I know that the less travelled path is usually the most difficult but the end in itself is a victory.

Remember this fact, we were made to live and not exist.

פרידהעדשנפגששובחבריםיקרים

Adios!