A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam that flashes across his mind from within, more than the luster of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his own thought, because it is his. In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts as they come back to us with a sort of alienated majesty. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
A couple of days back, I had reason to share my thoughts and blog with a friend and his response was in the same words as quoted above. I realise with a degree of nostalgia that I had always believed that writing has and will always be the best form of expression for the heart and whilst many may yet dream of their own moment of fame, deep within, the beauty of who you were made to be lies dormant and unused. Till that very cataclysmic event, causing you to reassess your values and priorities, occurs. That sadly remains the scenario of many of us, scurrying around doing all sorts of activities and yet neglecting the very one purpose that defines us.
I have decided to take some form of hiatus from all doctors, after my last appointment (if it could be termed that) and generally take a brief interlude from all the arrogance that usually emanates from the utterances and attitudes of many a doctors. Notwithstanding the frequent bouts of unceasing pain, relentless in its companionship or the despondency that looms above like the sword of Damocles, I tell myself even with gritted teeth that life devoid of trials would be a life un-lived and that for every season, there is a beginning and an end. But most importantly, even in the midst of all this, my anchor holds within the storm.
A smile creases the corners of my mouth as I recall the essential tremors back in my childhood that became the butt of many jokes after Parkinson’s Syndrome became a celebrity riding on the fame of men like Mohammed Ali et al. Almost imperceptible at first but as the years progressed, silently it stuck, increasing in intensity as I plied through life seeking that elusive Golden Fleece. Undeterred by lack of adequate health care, suffering the many incidences and accidents that characterise the life of a growing male, still I ploughed through, making the best of every task assigned to me, striving for the idealism that I held in my heart. Acknowledging that this life was but a journey, and with unflinching faith as my companion, I persisted through the emotional upheavals and traumas that assailed me. Made my share of wrong decisions, stood by my beliefs and waded through the filth of betrayal, allbeit on my own.
Today I stand, still undeterred but convinced that no man can go it on his own – I know that I have a purpose and with each new day that dawns, help will never be lacking. I have been blessed by countless everyday heroes, ordinary individuals like me who despite their constraints and medical challenges can still tell their story of inspiration. I applaud the lives of those who have and are still standing with me through this tumultuous period, sacrificing their very own resources – unfazed by the seemingly helplessness of their own efforts. I also applaud the lives of those who choose to watch with disdain from the sidelines, hoping that this ship will go down but I appreciate you for giving me the will to go on. I do acknowledge that for every success, there must be a multitude of witnesses and so to you, I say, watch and grasp the opportunity to make the right choices whilst you still can because time waits for no man. There will never be a white flag hoisted from the bows of this ship, that I can assure you.
I have withstood the isolation of separation from LBJ and the solitude of pain, learning to utilise the gifts within me and to humbly receive immeasurable amounts of grace sufficient for each day. Learnt not to be too proud to ask for a hand and not to be too tenacious to cling unto that which has lost its essence. No man is indispensable but there is but One in whom my anchor holds and regardless of how stormy the gales be, my anchor holds within the storm. Regaling myself with this hiatus, I know that it is not the utterances of man that will define me but the truth spoken once and heard daily in the tweeting of the birds every morning, in the stillness of the afternoon and in the coolness of the evening breeze accompanied by the twinkling of a million stars held in their place by Him. Now I know that for every step of this journey, I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly trust the Cornerstone.
It may take a million words or just a few words, but my voice will be heard as I proclaim this truth, there can be no hopelessness as long you are not afraid to hope. I do have appointments next week but I keep them not because therein lies the solution but because I know that they are means to an inevitable end and you can fly if only you believe. It is never too late to unshackle yourself from that which has kept you bound all this years, and simply believe that you were made for such a noble purpose, so noble that you alone were made for it and even as we number each day, the lives that have come and gone, let our decision be “I choose to live a life of purpose irrespective of what life tosses along my path”.
Remember, ours is not merely a life of existence but one to be lived.
פרידה עד שנפגש שוב בתזמון שלו עצמו