Hoping; truth and Realism……..

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hope

Hope unconquerable.

Phew! Without so much of a fuss on the part of anyone, we are already in the third month of the year 2015. Surprisingly the number 3, across several divides and discourse, has some bit of symbolism to it and for me, it is many things – Divine sovereignty, my birth month, my position in the order of siblings, and for a while it was my favorite number. Why? I just loved it or better put, I chose to love it however that would be the subject of another write up hopefully. Borrowing the thoughts of Vera Nazarian; “Love is made up of three unconditional properties in equal measure:
1. Acceptance
2. Understanding
3. Appreciation
Remove any one of the three and the triangle falls apart. Which, by the way, is something highly inadvisable. Think about it — do you really want to live in a world of only two dimensions? So, for the love of a triangle, please keep love whole.” 

It has been over 40 days since I put thoughts to word, my sincere apologies to those I have left hanging. The stark truth is we are each made to complement one another and how dreadful it would be if I did not hope and believe that someone somewhere was taking the time to read my thoughts. To you, I say a gracious thank you and pray that your aspirations would dwarf your immediate limitations, if any exist because I speak from the perspective of one who has seen his immediate limitations grow in leaps and bounds. In admitting that, does that deprive me of hope or rob me of the knowledge of truth? Definitely not, I know that I have been created for the long haul and properly equipped at such and perchance when those dark days loom, I also have realized that the resources from which I draw on daily are not and can never be measured by man. I have had everything taken away from me, not by choice in whatever dimension, but I stand today, so much better than I have ever been.

A couple of Sundays ago, I was blessed to be ministered to by the One World Children’s Choir and even as I looked upon the huge smiles and the pure love emanating from their actions – something dark and sinister struggled to shake me off my perch. With a surge of emotions, I recalled how easy it is to feel alone and hopeless but I quickly reminded myself with the truth that there can be no life without hope. How else can anyone begin to explain the chain of events that have uniquely characterized our individual paths through life? What are the indices that reveal the superiority of your life when compared to the next face beside you? As each of the kids went through the routines, obviously practiced but yet seemingly original, I realized that the life we live can and will only be evaluated by the choices we make.

Unknowingly, there is a growing curiosity about the difference between truth and fact. Some school of thought say that truth is subjective while fact is not, others disagree on the grounds that they mean the same thing. I could go on and on however I just want to share my thoughts especially for one who has witnessed both extremes in almost every aspect of life. I opine that both are different – each differentiated by its reference base. For me, truth is simply truth; it is what the Sovereign God says and be you from the North pole or the South pole, there is no higher authority than God. For me, the test is what can you appropriately compare truth with. What people referred to as facts centuries ago have either been slightly amended or completely thrashed however I choose to rely on truth as the only virtue that has the inherent potential and capacity of completely liberating you. Is the truth real? Yes it is. Is it tangible? Now that is bound to be contextual…..

I was privileged to celebrate a new year a couple of days ago, and amidst the outpouring of well wishes, prayers, gifts etc I reminded myself that I could never have made it this far without hope in the truth despite the reality of the situation. it is that hope that births the dreams and aspirations that guide me through the turbulent waters of life. And just like the blinking light atop the light tower, I am guided inexorably by what I have chosen to accept and believe. Regardless of the incessantly changing tides of life, this truth stands out – I am who God says I am and whether I choose to believe it or not, the propensity for hurt is overwhelmingly stacked on the latter. We are blessed, whether we believe it or not yet again, for the sole purpose of blessing others and how ironic would it be for anybody to say that there is nothing each day to be thankful for. This truth trounces every religion and thought process. The follow up question then would be, if we admit that there is something to be thankful for each day then why can we not share that gratitude with someone else. Give and take, Yin and Yang, Life and Death – to everything there is a beginning and an end, an action and reaction, a positive and negative…..

Without us beginning, there would be no end, and then throw in a little high school physics and we might just get stuck in the inevitability of never being able to garner all knowledge. What we do with the little that we have or are given is what determines whether the subject of hope is a reality in itself. We can choose to make our lives as real as possible by giving hope to someone else, because we are, simply because someone gave. We receive only because someone gave. Now I have since acknowledged that riches are not synonymous with happiness, real contentment and joy can only be achieved when we fulfill. Fulfill what? Fulfill that for which you were made, I tell myself every moment that for goodness, kindness etc, it is better late than never. To forgive is divine, but it is humanly to err. To begin again always seems more difficult but do a 360 degree evaluation and you will agree that there must always be a start. For me, each new day is an opportunity to be the hope that someone else so desperately craves and for as long as there is breath in this fragile body, I choose to believe that “When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” – Paulo Coelho

I must begin with myself each new day and whether twilight catches me still unfinished, I know that tomorrow will begin with me being better than where I was yesterday.

Remember, the quality of whatever we aspire for or dream of can only be made manifest in the quality of what we give others. We are, because someone gave and regardless of how despondent the circumstances are demanding of you – you still get to choose. Make it count!

עד שנפגש שוב , אני נפרדתי ממךלשלוםוטוב ביותר שאתה לבד ראוי .

Adios!

What really counts is……

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What Really Counts?

My friend just reminded me that we weigh our expectations based on what we feel, and though not quite succinctly put, I would say that our priorities influence our everyday actions. In reference to my last post being two months ago, my dropping off the ‘bloggradar’ and all other proffered observations being a display of how often I was thought of……(really poignant) however what do we do when we are faced with our own challenges regarding a task is actually a display of how high that task is on our priority list. So this year, it is all about prioritizing and in order to do that, there has to be a clear picture of what really counts when push comes to shove.

It has been a significant start to the best year ever and whilst I cannot dwell on the past, I can also not do same for the future but what I can do is utilize the period in-between using the lessons from history and my aspirations for the future to get myself walking and not just ambling along but imbibing the sage words of Reverend Steve Banning; walking with purpose. The question that kind of jumps out now is ‘does purpose change with each new year?’ Honestly, in my own opinion, that answer is influenced by the necessity of reviewing the past because purpose really does not change but what changes is our position with regards to achievement. It would actually be a foible admitting that nothing has changed or that I am now a perfect version of who I was, instead I attest that I am a better version of who I was and needless to say that the health situation might not have varied much (it actually has, depending on where you stand), the financial situation might still be more within arms’ reach or that the lows were more than the highs (definitely not) – the glaring fact is that I am in a new year and old things have passed, all things are new as they stand.

I am writing on the eve of going for a battery of tests, resulting from my last appointment with my PCP and regardless of what new diagnosis was made, I am determined not to allow my priorities be juxtaposed. What counts to me are not the variables like the results from the doctor’s but that I am alive and choose to walk with purpose. I will definitely be lugging around more medication (and it is only just a few days into the new year but guess what, I see them as new too!), requiring more restraints as to what I can but should not do (like taking a swim and almost passing out from hypothermia and literally having brain freeze) but then I have to focus on what should count because ‘a man is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose’. I cannot afford to lose my faith neither can I afford to lose the overwhelming knowledge and conviction that I am led by a God who so loves me. I cannot afford to lose the opportunity to share my experiences truthfully with others especially those suffering from circumstances similar to mine. I can afford to lose loved ones (numbing as it may be) but I cannot afford to lose the opportunity to be a loving one to someone else, regardless of skin color, race or whatever indices there may be.

I know that what really counts may not be the immediate results of our actions, directly or indirectly but the effort towards achieving a purpose. It may tarry but as the heavens bear witness, no labor of mine is going unrewarded. I realize that what counts is not how many years I mark off the calendar but how much I am able to do today with regards to achieving my purpose. The excesses and the droughts will surely come but what counts is how I respond in such times and so I choose to be a first time responder to the needy, regardless of how ignorant they might be of their lack. In a bid to become what the world wants you to be, most times you give up the very core of your existence and I for one will not spend a precious moment being a shell of a being; merely existing with no real purpose and so though it takes every fibre of my physical strength, I will depend on the reserves that can never be exhausted and make my every day count for something.

Long ago, I realized the futility of making resolutions because in my opinion, they are just high falutin words made in a somber moment at the beginning of a year and so I choose to spend more time transforming those un-penned resolutions into actual works. Acknowledging what I see but walking by faith, because I see that what awaits me ahead is way beyond my feeble imagination. I hold dearly to they whom God has given me because I know that it is all for signs and wonders – an awesome display that will blow the minds of those that are still waiting to see. As for those that have witnessed something from my life and who have witnessed something to me, I say thanks for the privilege of being in your company albeit for whatever period of time. I know how limited (and I say that with a grimace) my strength is and so I know that what counts is that in Him, I truly will never know my own strength. The doors are all lined up and I walk towards doors that have been opened for me, truly anticipating the delights of walking through those doors. This is just the beginning, but what a beginning it is. With each freely given breath that I take, I extol the praises of My Creator and despite the limitations I face sometimes, I will make each breath count as a sweet exhalation of every grace and favor received.

Now is my time and as I plant each seed given to me, I know that the produce will surely count for something, someone ….

המטרה שלי היא ללא שינוי . פרידה , עד שנפגש שוב ….

Adios!

Stacking the cards…..

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Stack it!

Sometimes it just seems that when we are almost at the end of the tunnel, to our alarm and utmost chagrin, we realize that there is just a minor bump ahead of us and whilst our reserves are screaming depleted, somehow we must pick ourselves up and plod on. Now it has truly been a long break from writing and this has been in no way due to a desire to get out from the light but just another reminder that time is a fleeting entity. Whatsoever thine hands findeth to do, do it quickly because there surely comes a time when there can be no gathering of hay and woe betide you that during that time, slothfulness and laziness have become your closest buddies. “Too often man handles life as he does the bad weather, he whiles away the time as he waits for it to stop” – Alfred Polgar

Admittedly, the weather has been of a variety of sorts and to some degrees, it has been a very busy period for me and mine. Getting myself properly set up for the best days of my life and as always, the inevitability of teething problems is one that is being dealt with and suffice me to say that milk is utterly inappropriate for a grown man as myself and so without sounding too cocky, I know what the future holds for me. Regardless of the nay sayers and the doubters, somethings are inexplicably irrefutable – I am a survivor because I am more than a conqueror. And whilst it still saddens me at some of the whiplashes from the past, it will be unerringly obtuse of me to say that everything will be as it once was because from the dying embers of a flame, soot and ashes can be gathered but the brightness of the flame is one that hitherto lost, can and will be reignited again by choice. Somethings are irreparably re-positioned and what an exercise in futility were I to spend my present days in trying to rewrite history when a new generation eagerly awaits lessons learned to be passed on.

Someone ‘disparagingly’ told me in regal tones, “I do not even care to read your blog” and I am truly amazed that we more often than not, without the wisdom learned from passing through adverse times, choose to keep ourselves completely occupied and embroiled with affairs that pertain only to our own small world. Behold the beauty of the new day and compare that to how infinitesimally minute we are but yet we still make that choice to superimpose our views over that which is beyond our comprehension and control. It is such a thing of indescribable joy when the victory chants are finally resounding after series of long battles, and for me, the battles have been long and weary but the chants are just beginning. Without an iota of self glory, I attribute it all to He who alone is the very Essence of my being and true, the bumps may still come up now and then but hear it from me o ye people – my identity is ‘God is leading me’ and where he leads, I will follow for there I know that the end definitely surpasses my wildest imagination. The best victories are those evidenced by the defeated, not by any intentional display on my part (I have got more meaningful endeavors to apply myself to), but because the defining nature of truth is that it cannot be hidden or masked.

My latter days are so much better than my former, and indeed time keeps count as it winds down to an end someday but what a life still to be lived. What opportunities there remain to be grasped and appropriately utilized – be it in the few minutes spent in the office of a young career mother as she determines to let go of the past 16 years and begin again. To her and the many others out there who care to hear, it is better late than never. What is hope without trying times? What is faith without the darkness that so coldly blankets for a while? What is love without the arduous task of navigating the stormy waters of bitterness and derision? What is life without death? What are the realities that so headily confront us that we inadvertently choose to give up and succumb? We are who we are for a reason, we each have our unique identity, purpose and goal and so what an abysmal manifestation of our gifts when we choose to define ourselves by the actions of others? I have long made that choice and because I still plod on, situations and events will arise that will put to test that choice. That choice is mine to uphold and albeit if I have to do it alone because truly we are never alone.

The stars are indeed lining up, truly radiant in their celestial glory – my path is clear, sometimes hidden in the swirls of darkened clouds but clear it is and as I place each foot one ahead of the other, I make my way towards my expected end. My teeth may be gritted sometimes, brows furrowed, disappointments etching out the opportunities and blessings ahead but yet I will because I am led and even through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid because He alone is my Shepherd and I will never want. This is one story that you are part of, irrespective of the good or bad role played, I am telling it with all the fervour that lies beneath my breast. That can never be taken away from me because I am who I am – more than a conqueror.

Remember “You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant aspiration” – James Allen. Again, you have to choose….

החיים שלנו הם מתנות מאלוהים , מה שאנחנו בוחרים לעשות עם זה הוא אובהערכה או זלזול גמור של מתנה ש….. עד שנפגש שוב , ייתכןשהשמש מאירה את הדרך שלך .

Adios!

Reflections from the Mirror…..

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Embrace who you are but be YOU!

“When I see you, I think “I wonder which face she sees when she looks into the mirror.” – C.JoyBell C.

I, undeniably, am of the school of proselytes that inexplicably concur to the notion that karma is a female dog. I truly love dogs and I am forever grateful to my parents for schooling me about responsibility when I received Scooby as my 3rd birthday present and since that day, I have never looked back. Sometimes I genuinely believe that dogs are not just man’s best friend but that one friend that stands way above the pack. I am still unsuccessful in building up my dream pack of dogs like I once had in the past but oh well, I have got tomorrow to look forward to. As is the case with everything known to man, there are the pros and cons, the good and the bad but fortunately we have that one unique feature that many of us are too petrified to use – choice.  I am looking forward to getting a new Labrador very soon, how long? I really do not know but what is the whole essence of life devoid of faith because we can only aspire for as long as we can dream. Dreams! a figment of our imagination or a myriad of events to be that the Almighty weaves into our fragile minds?

I was privileged to be at the theaters a couple of days watching “The Good Lie” and suffice to say that I was among the only three people seated in a room capable of holding over 250 people, a poor showing and attendance. I did look up the movie online and saw that it made slightly over $1m, however just like the movie, again we are faced with the dilemma of being gauged by what people think of us or accepting the reality of who we are and therefore commit to walking our own unique path. I have long come to accept that regardless of what people are faced with, the choice of what they see and go away with is theirs and theirs alone. At several times in the movie, I was faced with the startling reminder that whilst tears are an expression of our emotions, our actions thereafter are not in direct correlation with those emotions – they are a willful determined sequence of events laid out and orchestrated by us, whether it is in response to our insatiable greed or our conscience, we play them out as we deem it necessary. In my opinion, that is something that we should dare to determine and just maybe, the onslaught of decay and decadence that is overwhelming us can be slowed down and just a few more lives be saved.

Needlessly, I always remind you that I am a continuous survivor of an incurable neurological disorder known as myoclonus but it has only spurred me on to heights that I previously thought unattainable as against quenching the beautiful life and spirit God placed within me. I have read about, listened to and witnessed the tales of war child Emmanuel Jal amongst others and while his story provokes so much despondency as to the nature of man, I did spend 5 years with a mythomane and so the ground rules are almost alike. When life casts you adrift an ocean of wrecks and flotsam, an unshakable thirst is born (an incomprehensible desire for truth that is so fleeting); one is forced to pause and take bearings again because that brief pause may just save your life. Undeniably, in acquiescence to life’s abhorrence of vacuum, you will definitely have to concede some painful losses but without some form of bearing, where are you headed? because “even if a river flows with milk, a dog can take in only one lick at a time” – Tamil Proverb

Brazen faced, I remember the times just after the diagnosis was made and I was faced with the fact that this was going to be and still is one very expensive battle and as we are usually wont to so badly believe, there are some people out there who have the financial resources to make a difference in just one person’s ‘south-going’ circumstances; I sent out series of correspondences to as many as I felt would utilize their ears. The result? Complete humility and a deep birthed trust in The One who steps in when we are at the end of our rope, because what kept me going were the actions of just a few from the myriad of people I had come to know. On its own, it definitely was not an antidote to depression but I made the choice to look myself in the mirror and remind myself that I was created with just one face notwithstanding the hugely popularly misconstrued context of this quote “humans feel a need to prove they are the dominant race of a species and they inadvertently take kindness for weakness from another individual” – C.J Dorner.  I do myself this gargantuan favor each waking day, reminding myself that my actions are solely mine and so I school myself each day in the fact that I should never grow weary of well doing, because no matter how much I try to infer that the reaction will be good – it is not always the case.

Truth be told, that I have learned that we all have a certain amount of days apportioned to us and one day, with all certainty, the clock is gonna stop ticking and no matter how much regrets we feel, there is absolutely nothing we can do thereafter. What we must live with is what did we do when we had the chance? A new season has set in, and as I sat listening to the gentle words of wisdom by Pastor Ernest Zilch at his retirement service last night, I reassured myself that life is all that we choose to make of it – however the memories and consequences of our choices will always outlive us. The impact of those memories will either better a life or worsen it, for when we are done on this fragile earth, the harsh reality of how we lived our lives will stare us in our face for all eternity. As you behold yourself today, make a verbal note to that reflection – we were not created to be two faced. Let that which you behold be a source of dignity and pride to the One who made you, for in giving then we can truly receive, and choose not worthless edifices of numbered days, but choose that which you will forever be glad that you gained.

Remember “It’s great to reminisce about good memories of my past. It was enjoyable when it was today. so learning to enjoy today has two benefits: it gives me happiness right now, and it becomes a good memory later” – George Foreman

עד שנפגש שוב בזמן שלו, לא דגל לבן הוא אי פעם הולך לתלות מהמשקוף שלי

Adios!

Taking it back….

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Whatchu gonna do?

“Sometimes we have to take a step back and realize what is important in your life; what you can live with but more importantly what you cannot live without.”

Well it is a great day to jump right here and shake off the assertions of the ‘normal’ every day life which I got accustomed to in the past (the tale of being jumped on by myoclonus, a rare neurological disorder is something that always inadvertently pops up in my posts), got liberated and intend on staying liberated. Phew! It just sneaks up on you and before you know it, there you are, being dumped upon by everyday activities that are not the daily activities of your own choosing. Round and round we go, seeking to break away from the vicious cycle that has life always wanting to be the administrator. The weird issue about that picture is who should really be the one in charge because someone definitely has to be in charge and so for me, I am teamed up with the Creator and what an awesome team it is. I get to determine my daily activities based on an understanding of what He has defined and determined for me.

With reference to my identity and earlier posts, we are all prisoners of birth and someday we have to make the choice – remain prisoners of birth or break free from the shackles that are almost like a second skin. It has been a harrowing period of some sorts these past few weeks as I seek to clear out the cobwebs that have gathered in my very own niche, no thanks to myoclonus but this is something that I was made to do – occupy and be a value adder. I realize how amazing it is that we somehow inexplicably choose to be driven by life and its abstract goals – a choice made by our refusal to choose (cowardice) and fail to realize that the very priorities that should count in our lives are those that we ditch in a bid to meet up with the running around game. But, hold on a second, what is the running in circles for? and why engage in something that you neither know who set the rules of the game or who administers the benefits?

It is somewhat amusing and so exciting when I get to see that moment in that one individual when their dimming bulb starts glowing so much brighter as the awareness of who should be in charge of their life dawns upon them. That, dear friends is something that will continually drive me in my battle to stay in charge of my life regardless of myoclonus and its creepy associates, the individuals who daily cross my path with sniggers and disparaging comments, the nay sayers and the ignorants.  Regardless of how numerous they are, I know that there will always be that someone who gets to see the light – literally and more. We were not dumped here on earth because of some clean up exercise somewhere, absolutely not. We were created to take charge, created to be champions in life – riding high on the surf and standing tall and strong even in the twilight times. Somewhere things went wrong and so progressively, we find ourselves enmeshed in a world where the absurd has become the norm and the appropriate has become despicable. Quite a few remarkably absurd events have occurred and more absurd explanations have been offered and less than a ripple has been the reaction, such hopelessness and despondency.

I was among a privileged few that were under the ‘tutelage’ of Chip Ingram and for the half hour or less, it was another opportunity to see what we need to do to remain human beings. Like an epidemic, a wave of severely skewed reasoning patterns has birthed a multitude of people whose overwhelming desire is to do whatever life lays for them and so all around us are unique individuals, countless but distinctly crazed by their inability to choose. We have become less human beings and more human doings, everyone running viciously doing and doing and doing, each attempting to mirror another’s misunderstood drive. And yet we wonder where all the care, compassion, kindness, love, warmth has gone to. The very things that make us humans are being ditched by choice so as to be that which we certainly do not want to be. And in an ironic twist, many spend the little time they have as themselves whining about stress, disillusionment and a false grandeur of reality. The moment of truth is this, are we bold enough to make those choices that will make us stand out from the crowd? Are we bold enough to take back our humanity as individuals despite the torrent of derision and contempt that is bound to be hurled at us? It is all about taking it back, and the power to do so lies in your hands.

Now, it may somewhat be construed as strange coming from me – an emerging victor over this neurological disorder, but truth be told that today I stand different and yet victorious, liberated and bold, not daunted in that which I am because the scars I bear are not self inflicted but signs that whilst I still struggle, my victory is sure and certain. The path through the valley may still come up but now I am more strengthened because I know that there is One whose report of me I still stand by and choose to believe. I am taking it back, and pretty much surprising even myself. Sometimes, the sweetest victories are usually savored after the hardest battles and to me this is one delightful experience that I deserve and intend to savor to the best of my ability. My favorite personal question is ‘why am I holding onto what I have in my hand?’ and I always find that when I let it go, I get back more than I had in the first place. These are truly the best days of my life and I am thrilled to know that they just began.

“You get that one chance; and damn it, you’ve got to take it! If there’s one lesson I know I will take with me for eternity, its that there are those things that might happen only once, those chances that come walking down the street, strolling out of a café; if you don’t let go and take them, they really could get away! We can get so washed out with a mindset of entitlement– the universe will do everything for us to ensure our happiness– that we forget why we came here! We came here to grab, to take, to give, to have! Not to wait! Nobody came here to wait! So, what makes anyone think that destiny will keep on knocking over and over again? It could, but what if it doesn’t? You go and you take the chance that you get; even if it makes you look stupid, insane, or whorish! Because it just might not come back again. You could wait a lifetime to see if it will…but I don’t think you should.” – C. JoyBell C.

Remember, life comprises of moments and as make our individual ways through life, the moments we cherish the most are those that we took back….if we missed them the first time. We either take them or we live to regret not taking them.

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios!

Let’s walk….

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Walk With Me….

I receive posts and have conversations with so many beautiful people as they attempt to chronicle their life journeys – ups and downs etc and I am truly honored that whilst we all together battle the horrendous debilitating condition known as dystonia, it is not a time for dirges and eulogies cos we are still alive and in it together. I am also ecstatic considering that this month will (has/is to be) officially recognised as Dystonia Awareness Month (DAM is so much better than Damn), however I apologize yet again for the break from writing. It has indeed been a whirlwind of activities – playing hosts and with a wry smile, thankful that hospitality is also something that God demands of us. There will always be situations where you go in as daffodils and almost emerge as dried up floral specimen in a history book somewhere, however yet again the choice is yours because the strength, grace and panache is available as and when due. Quite a few notable transitions have taken place, my deep condolences to those left behind and I always advocate that whilst the sorrow and loss will inevitably be felt, we can choose to make them happy that we encountered them and possibly took something positive from the encounters.

I still am hard pressed regularly and put through the paces regarding the subject of myoclonus dystonia and the various members of the huge Dystonia family. For one, I would say, take a moment now or after you are done and look it up online because dystonia is not a disease like the ravaging ebola virus or any other ‘really bad’ disease that has an open and shut chapter of visible symptoms manifested by every one infected. I would say that just like I learned as a child, discernment is an awesome gift and the success at being a triage champion is not to be fazed by the amount of blood gushing from wounds/body orifices but the ability to stay calm and see through the almost quiet complaints of internal pains because more often than not – what hurts and damages the most is rarely always physically seen by everyone until its too late. Love hurts but forgives and it is long suffering, yet the heart hidden away behind the bars of the rib cage still beats away, hoping that time does its work (time is everything? Uhmmm! I would opine that God is everything!) The greatest thing to have has always been, will always be and is love – it does provide amelioration not amortization of wrongs and just as God says, you can never go wrong with His love. Choose to love, every time – its limits has never been determined by us anyway.

As a child and till date, one of the most fascinating skills to me has always been sculpturing and even though construction will always be a part of my life and joys (the investment part, professionally speaking), watching a stone mason utilize the mallet and the chisel on rock, concrete, granite et al always gives me some shudder as I watch the strength behind each blow and watch the sparks fly away with every little piece detaching…..I used to appreciate how blessed the object of construction or destruction or sculpture as the case may be was because it was inanimate and lacked feeling. Ironically, some events no matter how long you watch, rehearse for (if possible) can ever prepare you for the real deal. And how much truth lies in the words of J.K Rowling (Dumbledore to Potter) : ‘Numbing the pain for a while will make it feel worse when you finally feel it’ (now there goes out the window my own opinion of some current management procedures). Dystonia is like having a rambunctious ill behaved kid running wild inside you armed with a chisel whizard/hand point (and regardless of how soft the blow is or what end is used, you still must deal with the pain) and the blows are unceasing, what varies is the intensity. Some days, a blow knocks me to my knees and even in the foetal position, little or no comfort is derived. Every blow, tap sends painful reverberations through me, and it does not help that my brain also compounds the event by automatically doing what it does, sending out signals in response. Extremities are always the worst hit – cramped painful fingers, awkwardly twisted painful ankles, cervical contortions etc

Nobody loves living beside the train tracks because every time a train passes, that motion does something annoying to you – transference of kinetic energy. Now imagine living just around (beside, above, beneath) the Victoria/Euston Park station in Central London and that does not even suffice to describe the tremors brought about by the chemical imbalance in my brain. regardless of how weary I get, the tremors go on – aggravatingly attempting to counter combat the little runt with the chisel. And the usual question of scaling when it comes to pain sometimes ticks you off because you wonder why must 10 be the limit when there are greater numbers after that. On the bad days, even my muscles are weary and yet they still must react and so that in itself creates sore points in my joints, so bad that it feels like some tendons just want to snap as against continuing the compression and extension. A simple handshake feels like I have got 4 cute blue 10 lb weights strapped around my arm (and yes they look cute but they don’t feel cute) so I have opted for hugs when I can. The hugs are a better option although I still have those same weights pulling in the opposite direction of how and where my neck wants to stay, plus I have to deal with not toppling and knocking the other person down. I miss being able to do a double take and I am grateful that at best I have still got 30 degrees to 50 degrees rotation of my neck, and so when my head is tilted most times, I wish you could understand that I am not rehearsing a role for a circus performance.

Oh how I used to love bounding up the stairs like you sometimes do when you are in a hurry, instead try doing it with the diving shoes worn by Cuba Gooding Jnr in ‘Men of Honor’ during his reinstatement exam and then you would not have to look at me crazy next time when I tell you I usually do not do stairs or when I am panting after the few steps up the platform just because I have weighed the distance to the ramp and the steps are less than five. Walk with me to the ramp instead, and understand that my palm hurts frequently even with my ergonomic staff because every step is like walking through a mud slogged patch of swamp, not wading, walking. And yet I am thankful that even though I hurt every step, some days my legs take a poll and call a strike action and so I am thankful for the convenience of benches. I want to get up after the rest but there are weights anchoring my lumbar vertebrae to the chair and so forgive the wince and allow me catch my breath cos I sure cannot lay on that chair. It just does not support the specialized posture that my orthodontic bed, neck brace and pillow give me which is just one way – face up because laying on my side gives the hammer guy more time to try out music notes on my spine. When next you are wringing that dish towel dry, imagine what that would feel like if twas your spine in your hands – I do not complain and now that I am so used to synchronized medication (it could be a sport some day), it really does not help when I am so into writing that I would love to finish this piece because the medication sometimes brings relief and sometimes its just an opportunity to get more fluids into my body. Either way, I choose to abide by what I carry around and wait for another barrage of cursive prescription outlining another bouquet of medication because remember life is all about dynamism. I shake my fists in contempt at the pharmaceutical giants as they chuckle amongst themselves but I know that I can also chuckle too because it is all about who gets the last laugh. That flag flies full mast at my door, because I have not and will not succumb to dystonia, myoclonus dystonia (MD?)…..what a joke!

You think insomnia is just a fancy word or at most a figment of someone’s imagination? Try shutting your eyes in sleep in futility because your brain like mine is at full steam, each cycle processing every noise in the quiet and so I opt for the TV screen and/or the classical music from my bedside digital radio to keep my brain a  mite focused on some distraction with better options as I wait for the night time pills to kick in and even when they don’t, I am thankful for the extra time I have to do something. There is no point in wasting it because remember, God is everything and even He does not and has never worked in a manner that suits our comprehension. I choose to flip the lemons into lemonade because someone else out there could do with a drink because I know what it feels like to have a perpetually patched palate. Water comprises 70% of our body and note that we can survive longer on water than food as most people think. So I am thankful for the high metabolic rate brought about by md because I now drink more liters of water, and guess what – I have chosen to make it all fancy,  its a dash of lemon in sparkling water, my pouch of multi-coloured, varying sized capsules that comprise the accoutrement to my faith in my job at fighting md.

I have learned that we are who we are by choice, and the circumstances of our lives only shape us. Remarkably, what a responsibility that God bestows on us to always choose so make that choice wisely today. Do not celebrate dystonia because it sucks, really sucks but celebrate the fact that I and many others have chosen to and are smiling it its face and someday we all will appreciate that life as a journey is best made with wisdom. It is not just the acquisition of knowledge but the application as and when due that can be called wisdom. Now you are aware, be a positive in somebody else’s life and if perchance you have scornfully cast away a friend, relative or even a stranger because of your appalling lack of knowledge, love and faith….seize this moment because love is a decision and do not grow weary in well doing because there is a harvest accruing and God is watching over us all. He gave it all up so that we can have and give of what we have received.

Remember “I cannot change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination” – Jimmy Dean

עד שנפגש שוב בזמן שלו, לא דגל לבן הוא אי פעם הולך לתלות מהמשקוף שלי

Adios!

Staying the shackles….

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Staying off the shackles

Staying off the shackles

“I am not as bad as people would suggest, and yet not as good as I would like to be’ – Robbie Williams

In tribute to a man who gave more of himself to bringing such fun to a sorrowful world, I acknowledge that most of the roles he was cast in were so intense that he was one of my favourites. Whilst not wanting to cast myself into the melee of murkiness surrounding his passing, I remind myself that life in death and death in life is inevitable but we can choose how to make both ends counts. My condolences go to his family and for the stone casters, remember that you can not claim to be a victor until you’ve fought your own battle. We all suffer depression at some point or the other but what strength it requires to stay those shackles. I know what it is but today I inhale and decide that there is a purpose out there way larger than what and how people perceive me in my pain ridden world struggling with a disorder that most medical experts find difficult to grasp.

It sure has been an eventful few weeks and whilst I pull myself from the minor relapse I had with the tremors so intense, I felt like staying safe required separating my muscles from my skeleton……Alas, talk is easy, going that extra mile converting it to action is where most limits lie and so still again it’s reaching down wearily to my boot strings….yank!and trudge on.

One of the most incomprehensible things that perturbs me is why do we consciously choose to long for shackles when it’s not rocket science that they are meant to constrain us. I recently enjoyed the company of some friends and despite the years that has gone by between us, the clarity of self choice and self centredness still shone through despite efforts to mask it with a thinly applied veneer of self-justification. We do what we choose to do and regardless of whether we are too lazy and let others make the choice, as long as we walk with those choices…..we must serve the time when it is proven a crime. One truth I gathered from those times is; you harm yourself when you strive to please others at the detriment of yourself. Disobeying God certainly has no merits. “Love your neighbor as you’d love yourself” it’s that simple and so when next you find yourself doing more loving for the former, then it’s time to draw in the reins.

I recall the tale of how circus elephants are trained or tamed, just by shackling their feet at birth ensures that even at the prime of their adult life, with huge reserves of brute strength, their minds still remain shackled and so the thrill is not about how flamboyantly the tamer puts those elephants through their paces during a circus but about how incredibly exciting the positive choices from lessons learned can be used…..even apply in them to death-defying scenarios. I’ve since learned that spending my days letting the false guffaws of many dictate who I am are over. I am who God says I am, and He’s sure not interested in taking a seat in the auditorium where I can’t even see His face while I sweat through my acts hoping to make Him chuckle so hard that next time when He wants some entertainment, He remembers me. Now that’s real sad!

No, I am fully persuaded that even as I act out my role on the stage called life, His guidance, strength, wisdom and presence enthuse me with so much that I can give without entirely emptying myself. I choose to defy the laws of physics that talks about motion continuance based on the transference of energy from one body to the other at the detriment of one. I stay off those shackles so eloquently illustrated by man with his limited knowledge because I know that life is based in relationships and so if I choose to ignorantly follow the bandwagon and allow people determine who and what I should do then I have failed myself and shirked my purpose.

“When you complain, you explain pain for no gain. Endure and balance yourself through the pain, be hopeful and persist to the end.” ― Israelmore Ayivor

My message still rings unchanged – no pain, no gain. Recognizing the moment of transition is something that we more oft than not, fail to learn. Life’s best lessons are learned in the house of sorrow however the question is are we so focused on the shackles that bind us that we fail to listen to that sweet voice within us because till we do, there will be no good lessons learned, no keenness of sight but with glazed eyes continue staring at the wrong people, the time of transition will like an open gate beckoning upon us that freedom lies beyond their boughs, slowly shut us in that world where we accept and comfort ourselves that as victims, life is never fair. What happened to being a victor for a change, it begins with a choice to keep those shackles away mentally and do something with the ones that welcomed us in at birth.

I wake up each day, today inclusive, thankful that irrespective of the limitations that are so familiar – health, finance, solitude, (the list is endless if you switch on the TV or look at what you can no longer do) I am more than a conqueror by choice of my new birth and that spurs me on. Life is all about seasons and to every season, there’s a beginning and an end. This world is big enough for everyone if we each can only dare to make a different choice today. Say a kind word to someone else, give a prop to another and whether it goes appreciated or not…do not stop because if we grow weary in well-doing, we’ve lost our claim to such a beautiful harvest.

…..” Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time ;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate ;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.” – H.W Longfellow

Today, I choose to make my own life count, remember “Don’t entrust your future on others’ hands. Rather make decisions by yourself with the help of God’s guidance. Hold your beliefs so tight and never let go of them!” ― Hark Herald Sarmiento

עד שנפגש שוב בזמן שלו, לא דגל לבן הוא אי פעם הולך לתלות מהמשקוף שלי

Adios!

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Thank you for your response. ✨

Unleavened Freshness….

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The freshness of YOU!

“Your perspective and confession in the face of events determines whether you are overcome or you overcome. Let your desire to succeed supersede your pain” – Doug Stringer

There is the freshness that comes with every waking breath and to me, I usually take that brief moment to thoroughly be thankful for the breath that I have, and right now I want to sincerely appreciate the hundreds that make the choice to stop by once in a moment and just listen to me. Now it goes without saying that I am just an ordinary chap like anyone of you but the difference is that I am making choices that continually remind me of the fact that regardless of what happens to me, who I am is a result of the choice I make in the moment.

The last few days have been something of a prelude to my theme – “I am having the best days of my life!” That is a choice I make and when I am grappling with the incomprehensible challenges of myoclonus, moments that can not be shared because pain can only be borne however just having a listening ear makes the burden just a mite lighter. Pain always and will always precede gain. The question is the wait – how long will it be? How much can I still bear but to as many that tussle with this familiar scenario, I have just these few words to say – focus not on the pain of the moment but choose to luxuriate in the inevitability of the truth; your pain is birthing your gain.

I was in the company of an exceptionally unique individual who has made a choice that governs his every day activities – Doug Stringer and every second I spent in his company was so inspiring that I said the least I could do was acknowledge and thank him for letting go of his own teeny-weeny priorities, so that God would rearrange and set them aright – blazing trails everywhere he goes. On the other hand, for many who like Scott, were raised up to believe that religion is not a pre-requisite for success – I say what a profound truth that is, because religion is a wagon whose wheels are so bogged down in the mire of tradition and resistant change. I say that there can be no success without identifying your purpose here and there can be no identifying that purpose without acknowledging He for whose purpose we all have been made. There is no room for religion here because religion has not played any role in who I have become, neither has it given me any panacea for my travails. What has been an unending succor despite all the pain, tears, depression that comes with myoclonus, has been an unflinching acceptance of a love so profound that even when I was weighed down and left for dead, that love lifted me and still does till today.

I share my story from the perspective of one who has been cast out, forsaken and buffeted – yet today, I can (have chosen to) freely give because I have freely received. My life is not measured by the wealth accrued, disbursed and whatever but by the beauty of every encounter I am blessed to have with people from my past, present and now.  In response to a question asked by Annette from Global Branding, my definition of success is the number of lives that you can assist in becoming who they are meant to be. In the last few months, I have given cognizance to the recognition that comes, not from desperately sought fame but the contentment that comes with understanding that we each have a purpose and that purpose is incomplete without touching a life here or there. Putting a smile here or there. Helping others realize that you are all you have got and once that truth sinks in, then let life chuck it all at you including the kitchen sink, you already know that there is a victor within you. Life comprises of moments and every moment is influenced by the choices you make because private decisions have public consequences, so my simple message to you is MAKE EVERY CHOICE COUNT FOR SOMETHING! Do it now, beginning with the simplest activities in your every day life – make someone else happy and glad he met you and you are certainly on the right track.

I have touched a freshness that cannot be tainted by the staleness of the negativity that so easily swirls round today’s world and that freshness sets me aglow each day because I know that my life shall be lived irrespective of the number of days but by the experiences I have had and will have – that is what makes you who you are. Do you choose to be transformed by the events that arise in your life or do you choose to transform those events into legacies that others will learn from? I truly have no regrets, sweating over the past mistakes and hurts took me nowhere. Rising above them and making them count for something positive is something so amazing that nothing can change it. Reach down inside you and realize that there is greatness resident within you, dare to touch that greatness and allow God use it to make your days count – there will be no regrets, I can guarantee you. Living for the applause of others is the most unworthy cause you can set for yourself, instead set your priorities right – God First, Others Second and bask in the exhilaration of such a worthy cause.

To those who are committed to being a stain and not a sparkle, make a decision now – the world is big enough for everyone and no matter how hard you may rehearse for a role, if it is not yours, you will always be a very horrible stand-in. Be you because there is just one you and allow the freshness of you permeate the lives of those who encounter you.

Remember “When a man has put a limit on what he will do, he has put a limit on what he can do.” – Charles M. Schwab

עד שנפגש שוב בזמן שלו, לא דגל לבן הוא אי פעם הולך לתלות מהמשקוף שלי

Adios!

….your perspective?

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Lift up your eyes

Looking UP

“You may not control all of the events that happen to you but you can decide not to be reduced by them” – Maya Angelou

I am fully recovered from my time with the Winchester 1200, the 91/30 Mosin Nagant amongst others and yes I am still dealing with the frosty displeasure of JOIV (for embarking on such activities, I understand and apologize) however I have and am fully committed to acknowledging that life is but a journey and today is the gift we will receive and so do what you have to do (the right things) because tomorrow you will have no regrets. Oh yeah, I do have to deal with the repercussions of subjecting this body to crossing the line that has all together become too close to me and yet I choose to go to bed each day, most times bruised and aching but nonetheless with a smile on my face.

I am still finding it extremely difficult to do an objective comparison between the health care I have received before now and the one I am receiving presently. Although the words – incurable, rare neurological disorder along side other big sounding no longer scary terms like ataxia etc, are still the same but they are delivered in such a beautiful and concerned manner that my convictions about never succumbing to whatever it is remains unmoved. I know countless many out there who either by ignorance or sheer helplessness have become victims and yet I am also acknowledging with thumbs up raised, those that have chosen to stay down in the trenches because whether the war is won or lost, you will always be a victor.

It is less than 72 hours since my last review with the wonderful medical team that I have been blessed with, and I know that whilst I may not know the length of time ahead, I am convinced that I am having and will have the best days of my life. That remains my choice and even as I battled to ease the usual anxiety that accompanies my every visit to the hospital or tried to explain to the harried nurse why she would never be able to take my blood pressure with the beautiful electronic sphygmomanometer, I steeled myself with the beautiful truths that I keep forever in my sights……surmised in the beautiful quote by Maya Angelou. Events are ceaseless and sometimes beyond our control but how these events play out is a thing that we definitely have control over.

One of the phrases/questions that has bemused me in the past days is ‘how are things looking?’ I love photography and one of the first lessons I learned was that whatever you can see in the lens is what gets captured in the picture and so when I lift up my eyes to the hills where my strength comes from (that is within my control, regardless of blepharospasm) then inadvertently everything around me has no other option but to look up. Now the picture of our lives is simply a reflection of what we have chosen to look at. Regardless of your physical and/or geographical location, perspective will always be defined by the choice you make with your eyes and your mind. Now correct me if I am wrong when I say those senses are still within your control, no matter how bad a condition you are in. I can recollect with clarity, the humorously creepy stuff we used to do whilst in high school – a friend of mine would tape his eyelids to his forehead in a bid to keep awake so as to study and would inevitably fall asleep with his eyes wide-open. Now that was a choice made!

And so even as I reminisce some of those days past gone, I realize that there were priceless lessons that have made me who I am today. Our purpose in life can only be attained when we refuse to be denigrated by whatever life throws at us because our choices, no matter how little they may be, will always count for something. Even if the FICO god has not heeded our supplications, there is One who is more than able to help us through whatever storm we are in but hold on a minute, we have to look up in earnest and in utter dependence on His ability to see us through and not just see us through but do so in such a manner that we emerge at the end (from the furnace/storm) with the best fragrance that cannot be fathomed by those who have given up on us and those who have made themselves silent spectators (#haters). 

“Every man must do two things alone; he must do his own believing and his own dying” – Martin Luther. For me, I have learned that no one else has plans that can completely encapsulate you, so why not make something out of what and where you are today. Not just for yourself (cos that would be selfish and small) but for the benefit of the one or two that will cross paths with you. Make each day a lesson, an example for others to follow in today’s world because even in the dungeons there is hope, if only you can but lift up your eyes and so I say that being of good cheer is a choice that you can make whether your cards are maxed out, your employer has done the unthinkable, your assets have undergone a name change and the bills are billowing all around you like a discomfiting dust storm. Remember that the night may be long and seemingly unending, but discover and nurture that which has been placed in you, hold onto it because surely the day will come and then if, and only if you have sown, wait because surely there must be a harvest. That too must come……

Remember “I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen.” – MLK

עד שנפגש שוב בזמן שלו, לא דגל לבן הוא אי פעם הולך לתלות מהמשקוף שלי

Adios!

Crystal clear???…

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“You can learn a line from a win and a book from a defeat.” – Paul Brown

It is such a bright nice day today, definitely better than yesterday just because I am alive to witness it and choose to share every moment with as many as are opportuned to realize what a unique privilege it is. I know what it is because every day is a new one for me as I refuse to succumb to the selfish dictates of living with myoclonus. It is not just a new day, it is a new month, a new half to the year and yet again another awesome reason to live as though today were my last. I am truly grateful for how far I have come and suffice me to say that I have learned many books and still intend to make some of those books a reference for the many that come after me and those that I have the honor of their company albeit for a brief space of time.

One of the most niggling issues that still keep me up in constant bewilderment and consternation is how can we live a life of meaning without a crystal clear purpose and I dare to use the term a little bit loosely because clarity is a function of how polished the crystal is. Now what makes for a well polished crystal? A not very savory experience, having to be unearthed from deep within the bowels of the earth, scratched and not an immediate head turner if you sure do not know what you are looking at. And then there comes the painful process of scouring off the dirt and the abrasions of the polishing before you can then use the word crystal. Now for the clarity, it still remains a thing of choice because we can get all caught up in the beauty of the facets and fail to realize that the longer we hold it up to the light, the more beautiful a spectrum we behold. I have two of such crystals – LBJ and JOIV and each waking moment I am amazed at the kaleidoscope of ‘words cannot define’ beauty that I see, and that alone is enough motivation to pick my weary body out of bed and get a go on life.

We passed through Italy a couple of weekends ago and one of the striking things that endear me to the Italians is their seemingly insatiable love and zest for life – their cooking, their wines, their women, their language and their spirit. I remember how spell bound I was when I took that first spoon of risotto and I made a promise that for as long as I am blessed with life each day, there is so much beauty and love to share around and even when I am knocked down, I will look up and get the strength to pick myself up again. The question is not why am I not a champion but why have you chosen not to be? Because life’s stage is as expansive as it can get and regardless of who or where or what you are, there will be your moment on that stage. What you do with the allotted time is definitely up to you but for one who has been through some life changing events, I dare you not to look at the clock but make it a performance that will forever be remembered.

A few weeks ago, I lost one of my high school mates – Victor Igene and I can tell you that he was so full of life that till today many of us are still stunned not just by his demise or the irretrievable loss to his family but the manner with which he passed on and I know that given a brief peek into the future, he sure would have done the same thing again albeit with extra caution because he just wanted to bring some joy into someone else’s life. Now we are devastated at the manner of his demise but the truth is that to the best of my knowledge, he had the right intent and purpose. Whilst we contend with making his demise count in the battle to bring about a so much needed change in that part of the world, the onus lies on the rest of us to realize that we may never see it coming but come it surely will and yes there will be loads of sadness and grief but ultimately the question will be, what value did we have on those that we were privileged to encounter and leave behind. To all who read this, let it be known that Victor was an amazing person and will forever be missed.

“Generally speaking, I simply ASSUME that the best is always happening in my life; whether it is enough money,a comfortable and nurturing place to live, whatever. In this same line of thinking, I see myself protected and guided by a squadron of guardian angels…so I seem to KNOW when it’s time to let go of a situation because it;s not good for me, and when to embark on a path that is RIGHT.” -Chelle Thompson

One thing I know for a fact either asleep or awake is that we all know what is right and what is wrong but the challenge is how many of us are bold and courageous enough to embark on the path that is right and when we are able to initially summon that courage and then put it to work, I say that you are no longer a faceless, nameless entity globally but a champion in that little environment. Just like the crystal, get ready for the abrasions of life and the searing heat that will want to overwhelm just becaue you have identified your purpose and have chose to be different. However, I have seen the end a countless times and it never changes, there will only be one left standing on the battlefield, all bloodied up but victorious and it is gonna be YOU. Now we may choose to hide behind the innumerable facades (work, peers, fame, career, past failures etc) that are so available in life but are you going to make that choice to be different. Dig down into the earth that you are created of and pull out that purpose that is laying and waiting to be a thing of beauty. Do not be fazed by the band wagon that has become so monstrous and seemingly the only thing in today’s society and dare to be you.

You cannot make a niche for yourself on everybody’s bandwagon but remember that life is not a bandwagon, it a stage, it is an opportunity, it is your journey and path. Make those seconds count with every life taking breath that you use because one day it is not going to be there and you will have either prepared yourself for the next phase or be confined to an eternity of regrets. It is now we make our choice, not tomorrow, definitely not yesterday but now and with my father’s voice so clearly ringing in my ears, I hear him repeating these words – do not put off what you can today for tomorrow because today is the PRESENT; a gift. Let that crystal in you shine forth and allow people the experience of seeing the kaleidoscope of colors that will leave a positive impact on their lives forever.

“For me the greatest beauty always lies in the greatest clarity.” – Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios!