Tag Archives: trusting God

A Perorating Knell…..

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Abducted as a child. Sexually molested as a kid. Witnessed domestic abuse up close. Bullied then learned street survival as a pre-teen. Knocked unconscious by a thrown discus in junior high. Survived an acid bath in high school. Survived two ghastly automobile crashes. Witnessed the violence of religious fanaticism. Been shot at by friend and foe. Betrayed by friend and family. Disillusioned by Lady Justice (oh, she’s blindfolded). Knocked from grace to grass. Saddled with an exotic neurological disease. We each have sullied memories but also démodé is the sincerity of our vulnerability.

Listen

Like most people, still I stand on this side of life, albeit reeling and wheezing from another blindsided body punch. My past played some role in shaping me but it will not and has not defined me, that’s an area where my choice counts and mightily at that. The truth is that I don’t know when my end will come however, what I do know is that even though misery loves company, I’m never going to accept an invitation nor be the celebrant at any ‘event’ of such. I have seen lives lost over little issues and semi-truck sized issues to know that you must make hay during the day because the night when human beings sleep is coming. I have grieved too many times but I know sorrow’s curtain call is still a far distance away, so the journey continues, to a destination that’s beyond my wildest imagination. Therein lies the hope that takes me through each day, good or bad.

Today, I mark another milestone; a unique gift that can only come from One Giver. I am blessed with another year and even though I don’t like surprises, He’s got a huge sense of humor and whatever the circumstances are, I know He knows my name and He’s not done with me yet. Today is a permutation of variables that I would never have imagined, yet I stand, not by my own strength (heck! I can barely get out of bed most days without assistance). I stand, not in arrogance, but in awe of the dexterity of my Maker so I celebrate Him because He alone is the essence of my being. It’s kind of ironic realizing that love hurts and yet, that is a debt we are inexorably obligated to pay to the lives we are given the opportunity to encounter as we each continue on our separate journeys. The irony lies both in the fact that you can obey or be defiant in your stupidity, and that most times the love is never appreciated, least of all reciprocated.

My head and heart hurt but even that cannot cast a pall over the numerous reasons why I must be thankful. Like a friend said, ‘choose to see the glass of water as half full’ so that’s still my choice. The juxtaposition of wisdom in sorrow cannot be comprehended by my feeble mind, neither can my frail body confidently attest to how I am still in one piece and therein lies another reason to be thankful. Every past traumatic event, just like being on a treadmill, burning off the fat and unhealthy parts of me so that I can withstand the current rigors of purposeful living. Today I have lost more friends than I ever thought I would have made but it has also revealed the few remarkable ones that remain. Spanning three generations, I see them and I am thankful.

Waft or Wait

What do I say to my Mother India who’s burying the last of her 2 daughters at the end of this week? It is well? Oh most definitely not, but in the face of the stampede we live in, where education is not about the acquisition of knowledge, we stride around with puffed chests and flaunt our ignorance. It is well, yes,……but with my soul! Go figure out how to speak to your soul and allow me relish in the absence of your persona and its associated superfluity of nothingness. There’s an intangible gravity to the word ‘woe’ so I always use it with trepidation, it does not convey the same tenuousness as sad or sorrow. However, I am in no way embarking on a pseudo intellectual debate on the shimmer and nitty-gritty of English grammar. ‘Woe to they who trust in the arm of flesh…..’ and right there, that word beginning the sentence is enough to dissipate even the fog of inebriation.

One of my favorite quotes is this, paraphrased, ‘row upon row of rowdy spectators, crowd the vast arena full but there’s only one man who knows and he’s the one to face the bull.’ This year, more than ever, I am going to remind myself first before others who permit me to speak (permit not indulge) that even in the face of stormy waters, I will tell myself this; “it is well….with my soul” and I’d rather you didn’t tell me because you don’t know me. No offense intended, I rarely indulge in soliloquy but those three words to some degree, conveyorize familiarity and I truly don’t know you. Nobody truly does but rather than putting in the work to listen so as to obtain a better purview, we often traipse the path most traveled. It’s easier!

What’s the easiest way to discern a fool? The inexplicable concerted effort of a human being doing the same thing over and over and over, and expecting a different result. This year, I’m constantly going to remind myself that woe betide me if I trust in the arm of flesh. There’s a time and place for everything, a time to be born and a time to die, I choose to entrust God with the time between those events. This year, I’m going to double down on the truth that silence can be golden, ‘if only a fool could his lips sealed….’ he and she would have a sterling career in the undercover world.

I can’t go back and fix the past, neither can I go to the future and set it up just the way I want (tried that and got knocked from grace to grass) however, what I will do, is to make each day count for something. I may be beleaguered on all sides but I will not stop to contemplate calling it quits, rather I’ll strive to ensure that I’m on the right side and make these words into a mantra; ‘MANY are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord will deliver him and her from them ALL!’ That’s how I choose to start this year and I’m inexorably convinced that this will be my best year yet. Sneer all you want, when you want, just be kindly reminded that there’s a spot at my banquet that’s reserved for you.


Remember, even if everyone gives up on you, it changes nothing until you give up on yourself. Enjoy your rest, Temi, till we meet to part no more!

עד שניפגש שוב, מי יתן והפנים שלו ימשיכו לזרוח עלינו לטובה!


Adieu!

Clearing Debris….

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Sometimes it just seems like our lives are a kitchen sink filled to the brim with clutter- dirty dishes, dirty mugs, used and discarded cutlery. And a few inches above, a window cracked slightly open but with the sill in dire need of attention. More often than not, we do not even realize how cluttered we are until we are desperately in need of a clean plate for a meal that we so longingly crave, as pang upon pang of hunger hits us. Sometimes, we are confronted by circumstances that, had we been given an option, we would not even want to imagine it.

It has been about a week since Hurricane Harvey and although I’m careful not to write about trending issues, (life is more than a carpeted runway in a fashion show) this was a life transforming event for many. The very things that we want to know, in retrospect, have no benefit to us in the long run. Humanity is often clouded by hastily taken decisions, bordering on sentiments that have no lasting power and like the wisps of smoke from an extinguished camp fire, we watch helplessly as the smoke dissipates into the air. We long for the warmth of the fire after it’s put out and usually we are oblivious to the fact that right at the edge of darkness, a pair of feral eyes glinting in the dark is the only evidence that we have been spared from more than just the loss of the campfire.

In my opinion, it comes across as a slight blend of annoyance and irritation when in the aftermath of a storm, someone comes across and without tact, utters the following words beginning with “if I were you…..”. How on earth could you ever be me? That statement in itself is tantamount to ridiculing the order of existence. We are all individuals of unique capabilities and purposes, and therefore flaunting your naivety is not by any standard, a measure of intelligence. To this day, I recall how destructive a storm can be but amidst the storm, there can also be a peace that trounces the storm. In my sessions of encouragement, I usually reiterate how life transforming some events can be. Considering the transformation is probably going to be the content of the next post however how we deal with the transformation tells more about us than we care to share.

Summoning up courage to see the positive in the transformation, a transformation that we all must face in one form or another, is best experienced. It is easy to be cheerful when our bellies bulge with the cuisine of our preference, when our pockets sag with the weight of gaudy trinkets and gold sovereigns. It is easy to encourage another when there are no ruffles in our every day lives but what happens when the very things we inadvertently and often unwittingly depend on is taken away? When our brains freeze in distress and panic and the usual praise songs seem like a burden of irritation? Can we at that point, realize that clearing out debris from another’s house is way different from clearing the debris from our own homes. How effusive our condolences are when the mourning is another’s but the true definition of your values is seen in the nudity of our fundamental beliefs.

Driving around town and seeing streets constricted by the debris and unsalvageable items left in the wake of H.Harvey is yet another learning point. There is no rejoicing over that, neither should there be any guilt that nothing of yours was lost. The basic tenets of life are in full display in the aftermath of the storm. I see the sadness in the eyes of those who have been forced to lose houses, cars, antique pieces. I hear the hollow echo in their words as many struggle to come to terms with the fact that the house that has been in the family for generations has been reduced to rubble. The desperation that comes with the knowledge that there’s so much the insurance companies can do…..then is when the question should be asked, “where have you stored your treasures?” The transient treasures of this world lose value in the face of catastrophic events like receiving a diagnosis of an incurable medical condition. Nonetheless, it is not what we do with our blessings that is the real test, rather it is what we do when the blessings are taken away?

I recall purchasing my very first cellphone, a Motorola Accompli – I had scoured through newspapers waiting for that discount to be published. And when I added up the dimes and nickels, my joy knew no bounds as I pushed open the phone dealership to finally lay my hands on my dream phone. It had taken a significant portion of a year and almost all of my savings, but it was all worth it because now I has dreamt, woken up and achieved the dream. My moment of truth came as I was crossing the street with my new phone cradled under my arm…..”what would happen if my dream phone suddenly fell from my hands, and despite my best efforts, meet its untimely demise on the tarred road?” Shattered with no hope of being put back together, what would I do? That was the defining moment in my life because there and then, I realized that we are each responsible for the extent our blessings hold sway over our lives. That moment of truth shaped my life and regardless of how cruel this might sound, we need to clean out the debris and loss from the storms we encounter.

It’s not ungodly to be saddened by the loss of what we built with our hands but have we taken time to realize that its rebuildable stuff thats been lost and not our hands. There is no sense in battling the undertanding that till we let go of the old, we might never receive the new. It is only when we let go of what we have in our hands, that God can actually use it. And who can better the old but the manufacturer Himself? There is no insurmountable grief, no helpless battle instead there will always be you and I who have, for some unfathomable reason, refused to just let go. And till we let go, we will simply sink further into the bog. Behind every debris is not just grief and loss but there is also open space to truly delight in. Embracing the fact that we are able to trust One who has never and will never hold back the very best for us. We might not see the best as we look at the clutter in our lives but we must look beyond to enable us receive that which will always be His best for us. It is not about us putting the puzzle together, it is more of letting go and letting Him and even if we do not understand now, there will come a time and place where the fullness of knowledge will come upon us.

עד ניפגש שוב, תן את היופי של ארשת פניו לזרוח עלינו!

Adios!

A Jolt in the road……

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.....the jolt changes things!

                                                                        ….the jolt changes things!

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, rather we are spiritual beings having a human experience” – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Most times, very significant events are captured by an exclamation of some sorts like the popular ‘Eureka!’ to its being described in some fancy words like ‘the aha! moment’, the aim is ultimately to try and share the clarity of vision received following such an event. For those who like penning down stuff, it’s that thought that takes such a grip on you that the ability to attend to some other task is almost non existent. Expressing it is like the release that you so crave, it rids you of the restlessness of your inner being….that desire to comprehend in some form, the sudden change of events that hitherto had seemed almost perfect – just like we planned????

As a growing kid in a large household complete with 5 siblings, the house helps, relatives, pets and the frequent house guest; it was mandatory to start off the day by attending to the chore that had been assigned to you by the matriarch. One of my earlier chores was cleaning up the master bedroom which also included one of my favourite tasks – making up the bed, and there was something almost soothing in transforming the neatly folded square of bed sheet into the bedcover that spanned the breadth and width of the mattress. Smoothening out every crease, making every tuck as neat as possible, maximum concentration and the quiteness, it was almost like the bed should never be slept in because it appeared so beautiful however that was what I’d have liked as against the very essence of the whole exercise which was to prepare the bed for the next sleep in. That was what the bed was made for, the exercise of dressing it up was just a process to get it to fulfil the purpose for which it was made. If it was not slept in, I guess there would be no need to make it up and then there would be no chore of that sort again. In retrospect, I suppose that task played a role in how I deal with neatness and almost being too particular about how stuff is arranged.

A couple of days ago, I was almost involved in the second rollover in my entire driving history and geez!it is indeed a miracle that it did not happen but it began just like the first one, there was that annoying jolt in an otherwise very smooth road for the last hundreds of miles. It is no testament to how far I’ve come on this journey, banned from driving 5years ago by medical experts due to dystonia but God has sometimes shoved me when I had almost given up on myself, and His grace is so evident in the very fact that I was even behind the wheels. Battling the hesitation from medical experts, turning a deaf ear to the concerns from some that it might be more of a con than a pro because of the stress involved but it’s something I’ve always loved doing (driving and road trips) and just being able to enjoy it again has been such a delight. The last few weeks have all but gone by in a blur and just when it seems like everything was going according to plan (slowly but surely)….. It happened again, I struck that jolt in the road, not because of medical fears but just something that could happen to just about anyone, I swerved to avoid an object! – need I mention how smooth the last hundred miles had been? Now it’s like my very worst fears might be realised, the road trips might come to an end and the prospect was so horrifying some minutes ago….

It’s so weird that in our world today, we are seemingly more comfortable with trusting human opinions or technology made by man when in all sincerity, these things that we are choosing to base our existence upon are creations of our hands and mind you, our knowledge is very limited. We readily turn to Google for the answer to that question that was just thrown at us, and without even stopping to consider, we are ready to run with the answer supplied by Google. Funny enough, there was no Google in high school and I barely relied on it in college but I did succeed (sure it might have made stuff easier but still ….). It is so strange how more often than not, we make the choice to run with what we consider our best plans and get so lost in it that it actually requires that jolt in the road to make us realise how feeble and limited our own attempts at making and living the best plans out are. We so quickly get so drawn into the smoothness of the road that we forget that life is in itself more of a journey than a destination, it is a series of stops and when we allow ourselves to get lost in the smoothness of some portion, we may very well miss the next exit and the entrance to the next and usually better phase of our lives.

As Christians, it is so easy to profess our faith when the going is smooth but guess what, faith is tested by trials and it is during those trials that we have to come to terms with our faith and profess it because we believe even when the situation says otherwise. One of my favourite Scriptural verse is encapsulated in the story of the three young Hebrew boys born and bred in captivity, under the rule of Babylon; what is most compelling is that they stared their own death in the face of the fiery furnace and yet their words whilst depicting the possibility of their own human fallibility strongly proclaimed their faith in God regardless of whether He came through on their behalf or not. It’s become more than just words to me on this journey, I choose to believe that my Creator has the best plans for me because I’m constantly reminded on a daily basis of my limitations (no thanks to Myoclonus). And yes it has taken yet this jolt to bring me around but I’m glad that I have come around to acknowledge that my well being is not defined by how smooth the road has been or will be, but rather it will always be defined by the gradual manifestation of His purpose in my life. I choose to enjoy the moments as they come and not flinch when it ends because as surely as day and night, seasons will begin and end.

Even as the winter winds howl, and the temperature plummets, I am reminded that this is yet another season that has begun on the ends of the previous one. And even though the prospects seem scary, I know that choosing to worship rather than worry will always put me in good stead. We have to make the painful admission that we do not know it all and our best plans pale in comparison to His purpose and plans for us. We have to acknowledge, sometimes painfully too, that He has got us even though it might look like its the isolation of the darkness again. I look back and I acknowledge how far I have come, despite the overwhelming hopelessness of some of those times and I know that the jolt is less of a deterrent but rather more of a prod in the right direction. Understand that you can only encourage yourself in Him when you are all by yourself, alone and sometimes frightened. You can only understand the wisdom of sorrowing times when you truly lose and are sorrowing, the process includes pain and pleasure but its up to you to choose on what you’d rather dwell on. I’ve gotten past the worst times, what else but better times await me ahead. There is no counsel save His that takes preeminence in my life and even though I stand alone in these times, I will stand tall and true because I know He is all things to me. Such comforting reassurance even as I face the uncertainty of tomorrow, I am truly glad for the privileges and opportunities – the opportunity to be differ ent, the opportunity to leave positive impact on the lives I’ve been blessed to encounter, the opportunity to hear people say how inspired they are and above all the opportunity to share my story and watch hope burst into flames in the life of those who had given up and those who almost had.

I can never know it all, that’s impossible but I know who does and with every passing breath (it’s quite visible these times), I choose to defer to His Will and plans because it has and will always be about Him. Nothing else matters more!

פרידה עד שנפגשנו שוב בתזמון שלו, וייתכן שאהבתו של אלוהים להיות אמיתית לך!

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