Tag Archives: seasons

Friend or Foe….(pt 1)

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Innocence

Phew! This year thus far has been good to me and I write that because I can, I will and I believe it regardless of today’s circumstances. I have also decided to have my own podcast because in addition to the novelty, it seems that with the frenetic pace of the world we live in, the probability of having a message received is better if the mode of communication is directly/indirectly verbal but audio, rather than written. Undeniably, I am of the vintage category and there is nothing more satisfying than putting words directly on a parchment with a feather dipped into a bottle of ink. Now juxtapose the technology of today and you would get a clearer meaning. And lest I get carried away by the avalanche of words just bubbling beneath the tips of my fingers, the podcast is RedzSpeak on Anchor and I initially toyed with the idea of just translating older posts however I realized that every post is for a reason and a particular season (with a specific audience) so I decided to just stick with what is new so be my guest.

As is wont with my upbringing, I really should have begun with “forgive me, it has been almost 2 months since my last post..” nonetheless I ask that you forgive me. It does take discipline to stick to a routine however even at that life happens but no excuses are allowed in this environment. Why? I learned at an early age that an excuse is just a guarded lie. So much has transpired and there is so much more ahead however I am inexplicably convinced that this is THE YEAR! I believe it and I hope you do or else this adage might apply to you; ‘we don’t know who discovered water but we are certain it was not a fish.’ In continuance of that line of thought, realize I said discovered not created because there is just One Creator. The pain of my mom’s passing is still there but with each passing day, the gnawing pain reduces just a tad and the hurt is not as fresh; but definitely no hydrogen peroxide just yet.

I am glad to share that I almost lost my bff to cancer but it just was not time and so I am thankful that there is something worth being thankful for. It is amazing that trials and tribulations are specifically inevitable but the end product is good. They strengthen our faith, give us a better perspective and just maybe re-route us to the right path. I love the book of Job because even with 42 chapters, it would seem like common sense to literally interpret his period of affliction went for at least 10 years however delving into the life of Job and the time he lived in, it is almost certain that it was less than a year, more like a few months. Pin drop? Peter corroborates this by saying “After you have suffered a LITTLE while…….God of all undeserved kindness will Himself finish your training…”– 1 Peter 5:10 and so even for me, 11 years is a little while, ending as we speak.

Drop the act…

So what am I all gushy about, Job had a few individuals who were unashamed to call him friend – they travelled just to be with him – they literally put their own lives on hold for Job. They might not have said the right things but guess what they showed up for him and that is what friends do; they show up when everyone else has abandoned you to your ‘fate’, they empathized with him in what I call the ministry of silence in suffering and they spent time with him. So the standard of friendship is so simple that it was literally put in the most read book in the world – The Holy Bible. Just three characteristics, folks but hey ol’ McDonald, in order to know how many friends you have, just go to Facebook or Twitter or Instagram. What a farce we have turned the world into? How have we so comfortably taken the meaning of life and made it all about trivialities? Where did we exchange our humanity for callousness and indifference? How did we translate friendship into something that only shows up when you die?

I was speaking with a friend today and she said the very same words that I still hear in the quiet moments, just in my mom’s voice, “everyone is not like you.” and I do not doubt that but gosh, I do get weary of everyone saying it, thankfully I can count my friends using just my fingers. And so I would kindly ask that you begin a re-evaluation of those you call friends because you use fewer letters to spell the word foe which encompasses majority of people that say, ‘he’s my friend!’ and most times you have never even heard those words directly from them. Now I am not saying become a hermit instead my postulation is be a friend or just remain a fish swimming with no intention of even wanting to know its identity least of all its purpose. When my name is called up yonder, my remains will be cremated because I probably will react with divine fury at the people who would give eulogies having within them the phrase, ‘my friend’. Weep now for me or forever hold your tears, be civil at least to answer my call because I can assure you that I am not calling to ask you for monetary aid. Be human enough to listen to me just for a little before you drown me in your cascade of excuses. Excuses do not exist here!

Acknowledge that you are my foe so I can get you front row seats as He prepares my banquet because in reality, you are wasting the alphabets, there are just 26 of them for as long as I can remember, it is not the periodic table! Acknowledge that you are my foe not for fear of repercussion from me but just for you to have a life that has a smidgen of meaning. I am just as dispensable as you and so do yourself some good and stand for something instead of swaying with the breeze like one who is inebriated on cheap liquor. I am thankful for those who can call me friend without the blood draining from your face in the face of such a gargantuan untruth but most importantly I am thankful for my family and for those who I call friend even though I probably could be in that section of their contacts that has ‘?’ as its tag. There is so much joy when brothers and sisters gather in unity however I must be true to myself and truly appreciate the people I come across each day because therein lies a choice, ‘can I be a friend to this person?’.

Remember this ‘true friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart.’

עד שניפגש שוב, מי יתן וספינתו של אלוהים תזרח עליך לטובה!

Adios!

The other side…

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What?

“Never look down on any individual except you want to look at their shoes!”

How and when did being truthful become an anathema? Oh, the ways of men! Well I opine that most times, we prepare for the fight but lay down and stay down when the fight is on. What is life that we are so ensconced in ourselves that when another person asks a simple request of you, it easily hurdles over the common decency of ordinary courtesy. Growing up, courtesy was not taught, it was implemented but alas now courtesy is a favor that is bequeathed from your throne to an underling. 2021 is already shaping up to being a year that as it unfolds, allows us a better glimpse of what are really priorities and what should not even be mistaken as a priority. The last month was a period of facing harsh realities and overcoming demons because a life with no purpose is a life firmly embedded in misery. Yes, social media has become an art gallery filled with so many fraudulent copies of truth, and so there is an unending line to get into that gallery because in there, we can enjoy the dearth of anonymity and its accompanying lack of expectations.

The grass always seems better on the other side however what of those that have been on both sides and can attest that where you are is a platform for you to learn or teach. Remarkably, we have attuned our hearing to ignore what is being loudly spoken of, and rather choose to attempt to redefine insanity. True, we are each a work in progress whether narcissism and ego choose to allow you to acknowledge that. Like the shifting sands of the desert, the experiences we ought to learn from are immediately forgotten and buried because that is what we choose because it calls for no effort on our part. Today is a gift (and ironically it is also the beginning of a new month), now the question is what do we plan to do or are we set up to fail because we have hastily cast off the responsibility and discipline that comes with making a plan, sticking with it and also having the flexibility to adapt to changing circumstances. I lost a peer recently and the world is still moving on, does that mean that I am bereft of emotion or just dealing with the grief in my own way? It is the latter and even as the lessons he imparted in the 4 decades he lived are mine to implement or discard where necessary, life goes on.

In the course of beginning a new career, I have truly been swamped by the glaring inequality of life. Like a rollercoaster; up today and down tomorrow with absolutely no clue as to when we must get off that ride but then my ability to choose is something that nothing and nobody can take away from me. Who are you? What are you? Why are you you? These are questions of intense gravity because within the answers lies our purpose. No matter how much we long to be on the side, there is a time for that and regardless of how manipulative and deceitful we choose to be, what has brought you thus far is certainly not going to be able to take you to the next place and unfortunately for many, it will be a reversal in so many ways. Till the right time, even when we cunningly make our way to the other side, rest assured that like fish out of water, you are most likely unable to survive because to every season, there is a time just as there is a beginning and an end to every season regardless of how long you have been there. Identify your weaknesses and focus on transforming them to strengths instead of flaunting them as laurels because even as you bask in the false and rapid applause of those who are gifted in flattery, the truth is we must be willing to learn from every circumstance or else you face the agony of life; emotionless in her teaching.

Each morning, I am reminded that the troubles of every new day are never that God has changed His standards midway but rather it is about me choosing to make the day count by seeking out and focusing on the blessings that come with each new day. And so with the obvious blessing that is illustrated in the fact that I am not concerned about the quality of air that I breath (even while I slept), there is so much that we can do not just in being thankful but by actually living it out. The slogan is ‘keep on paying it forward’ and that is without having a sense of entitlement to a better response because it is truly not just about me but rather it is about what I do with what I have with respect to the lives I am blessed to encounter. That summarily is how I live each day until my name is called and my role is finally over, but till then I owe my Creator and the lives I come across an obligation to be better than I was the day before – the last encounter. This is a journey, with no idea if it is a sprint or a marathon however the rules still apply – you can do something with what you have and as long as you apply yourself to doing the best you can, be reminded that the rest is up to God. Once again, I remind myself not to grow weary in well doing because there is seed time and harvest time, I cannot afford to let the challenges of the completely mysterious ways that others respond to me become my primary focus.

I am who I am because God made a masterpiece in me and whilst the full brilliance is still unexposed, I must journey on with the knowledge that I am a masterpiece not due to the actions or inactions of others but because that is what I am and will always be. I choose not to give up and I encourage you to do same because there will always be a day of reckoning and I definitely want to be on the Roll that is up yonder.

עד שאלוהים יפסיק לתת לנו נשימה, מראה הפנים שלו יזרחו עליכם לטובה!

Adieu!

Keeping Up Appearances..

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2020

“A friend who understands your tears is much more valuable than a lot of friends who only know your smile.” I do remember my first lesson in gratitude when as a kid, I really did not like the pair of shoes that I was told to put on and with a stern look, my father said, “Someday, you will come across a man who has no feet and then you will appreciate that contentment is a choice.” Those words certainly popped up more times than I can count as I grew up and even though there were several occasions I chose wrongly however thank God for second chances.

It is the beginning of not just another year but specifically it is the beginning of another decade and I am truly grateful to be blessed because chance happens to everyone but not everyone has the ability to utilize life’s chances. Every year, I try to spend the first moments, the first minutes, the first hour in being thankful and then it is off to the races as I attempt to implement the personalized theme for that year. This year was just a tad different because I was confined to my bed for almost 2 straight weeks and so I had to be resourceful even as every move brought a groan of intense agony. Regardless of the limitations of my circumstances and some, it was time to ensure that I was on D (drive) not Park or Neutral and just power through.

What is that (in)famous quote of insanity? ‘Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity or folly’ and so just as the year in itself is unique with lots of mystery, it is therefore important that the past has been reviewed so that the past remains history (moving on with lessons learned) as I deal with the present and look ahead faithfully for the best future yet. No resolutions for me, just a decision to make this year better than the past years and unfortunately that includes backing away from what I would normally (and often bullishly) tackle. The default nature of man is to address people based on their appearance however with the surge of social media, appearances are often a far cry from reality. Is it my decision to be a better sleuth or discerner of people’s intent? Most definitely not, my decision is to separate fact from truth, fiction from fantasy by learning more; meaning that I need to listen more than I speak.

Worry and complain are definitely not on my list of traveling companions, they just suck out the joy of today and deflate the enthusiasm of hope; hope of a better future. I choose to literally implement the words of a young lady who means the world and so much more to me, “stop stressing yourself!” and ironically I have always categorized myself as one who never stressed – talk about how others except yourself see your actions! So instead of thinking that I am not stressing, I am forging a new path by making sure that I am relaxed and chill come what may. 357 days yet to come, each day completely enshrouded with its portion of blessings and evils, with little or nought to do but pray and trust God. My decision is to find and embrace the serenity that comes with each new day, regardless of how little a portion it might be. I choose to accept that the future is such a delight that fabulous really does not capture it, and so my appearance this year is more of what is going on inside me rather than what the eyes can clearly see.

Taking cognizance of the fact that I am flawed and imperfect, yet I choose not to dwell on those imperfections but rather strive to become better each day; forgive more, offend less, be more accessible and vulnerable. This year, I commit to leaving the past behind, with its share of hurts and resentment in order to walk lighter and see a horizon much more clearer than it ever was. I admit that the journey did not even begin comfortably but I am grateful that I can repair what can be mended, discard that which cannot be fixed and truly number my days with wisdom. Thank you for being a part of my journey and I may not know your name however I am thankful for the privilege of encountering you. Together, let us make this year our best year yet albeit in little gestures but more importantly let us learn to live.

פרידה עד שנפגשנו שוב בתזמון שלו, וייתכן שאהבתו של אלוהים להיות אמיתית לך!

Adios!

Not My Way…..

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Dystonia Awareness Month

Hey! We are down to the final third of the year and ironically September has been recognized in the US as Dystonia Awareness Month. What is Dystonia and why should there be an awareness? In no fancy words, it is simply acknowledging that there are more people in this world than you think you know. “Lord, give me the wisdom to differentiate between the things I can change and those i cannot change!” Dystonia falls in the latter category – dredging up words like neurological disease or disorder, rare and incurable, genetics, an overwhelming sense of helplessness, the ridicule of others who think less of you because you ask, the irony of life’s unfairness, the joy of knowing that you are never really alone, the sheer delight of knowing that there’s strength that lies beyond human frailty. That is Dystonia!

I thought I knew pain however the last two weeks have been an orientation in pain – the pain that cripples you and forces you to your knees, bouts upon bouts of excruciating pain, unpredictable and unrelenting as always. Pain that makes you long for the sweet transition from this cold, cold world. That is just an aspect of dystonia; the unwillingness of my body to cooperate with me, the knowledge that life as I thought I knew (and vainly planned for) suddenly transformed in an instant, the inexplicability of my helplessness and the beauty of knowing that despite how much sorrow surrounds me, there is joy not too far away. When the truth dawns that this is just a prelude to an eternity and how I live it regardless of my circumstances defines my destination. A destination that I so long for, and thus empowered by this, I must make each day that I yet draw breath count for something.

I have no regrets! None at all and if the chances were posed to me again, my answer would be, “I would change not a thing because change is inevitable!” It is not the chances we encounter that define us but rather the choices we make and today I make one as i painfully write this, I refuse to let Dystonia define me. Change my circumstances, strip me of my belongings but with fists clenched in pain, I defy you even with the last wisps of breath that i exhale. This has been truly a journey – an unprecedented one to say the least however one that has taught me so much that I know that even when I am knocked down, there is still strength to not just struggle to my feet but to also reach out and help another. It has been a journey that has redefined family, completely changed my perspective on living to love and revealed that none of us knows what strength we either possess or the vast reserves of strength that we have access to.

Love and Giving

This is a journey that has made so much more glaring the exploitative nature of man at his primal core and yet has also shown me that true love is not sought neither is kindness the result of scientific computation. I have learned that life is like the ocean with waves either forging or receding, that shoes are an adornment for feet that we take for granted most times. There will always be that friend who sticks closer than a brother and even at the detriment of his personal satisfaction, is willing to sacrifice just to ease my pain. There will always be those memories engrained forever of events that i would never have imagined – events of so much weight and value but yet thinly veiled by the indifference and nonchalance of many. I can show you my friends if you ask because I call them family, dystonia helping to rip off the veneer and expose the richness of hearts that beat true and strong, and also reveal in stark nudity the ignorance of hearts that are barely beating. I regret not by any whim the process of being constantly forged, every hammer strike at the forge shaping me despite the accompanying pain.

Today, I am grateful for a life lived – the inconvenience of dependency as it struggles with the history of a life surrounded by so much comfort but yet in total lack at the present. Today I celebrate you – for tolerating my ignorance, for keeping me company in times when words were not needed, for your shoulder to cry on but more importantly to lean on. For pressing through the brambles of an ego very brittle and of nought to me, for standing at my gate (respecting a privacy no longer of value) even though my walls are all but crumbling – a city whose beauty once was and will be to come in no short period. For patiently learning even when I thought I had nothing to teach and persevering in teaching me that I will never be alone despite my bullheadedness. For those nights you stayed up whilst I battled insomnia, offering up prayers that I was unaware of. And standing in the gap on my behalf, being a conduit for answers undeniably sent from heaven, I celebrate you. I am here because you cared, listened and did not disobey God’s instructions.

Tonight I am thankful that should the curtains drop, my footprints will be seen and my life’s tale a source of hope and encouragement. That is what I want you to be aware of – that I went down swinging albeit feebly, going by the standards of crowds that mean nothing but a cacophony of discordant noise. Even as the night all but envelopes me, I am thankful that my light wasn’t extinguished by the lazy whisper of a summer night’s breeze. Thank you for not thinking less of me. Thank you for sharing your own struggles even as we journeyed together regardless of how much or how little time we spent together. It will never be about the distance because as long as hearts beat, resonating with kindness and compassion, every second matters.

Remember that I did not do it my own way; could never have done it my own way, but with lives intertwined and paths crossed, mine is a story of triumph amidst the ruins! A tale that would be incomplete without you.

פרידה עד שנפגשנו שוב בתזמון שלו, וייתכן שאהבתו של אלוהים להיות אמיתית לך!

Adios!

Gifts, Promises and Thank-yous….

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Staying aglow

So I did promise myself a birthday gift – going out shopping and giving out gifts to others however I’ve not been able to go shopping. I did something worthwhile though considering this will be the 42nd time (ever since I could count) that I get to try and reset, I took a long cold shower (heat triggers dystonic episodes). I would have gone swimming but I’m nursing a shoulder and a back that has been giving out too many notices for me to ignore. I remember the porch light of my neighbor coming on and his concerned question, ‘why are you swimming in the freezing pool? Are you a polar bear?’ I did try to explain but not many have the time to listen and then try and make sense of your reasons so just do you.

It has been nigh on a decade when my journey veered into terrains i had never imagined. And although I do love traveling however this has been more of putting one foot in front of the other rather than taking in the sights and sounds. The shower was quite exhilarating and the concept of beginning this year spanking clean is really quite nice because all the grime and dirt from the past day gets washed away. Time doesn’t stop, it does however give me the opportunity to document this and I’m truly grateful. In a couple of days, we lose an hour as the seasons continue their transition. I have gained a year and in retrospect, I cannot wait to embark on the adventures of this new year.

Notwithstanding that a lot has taken place, I look forward to the future regardless of how long I have got. Nevertheless I am thankful for the gift of a clean slate, a clean body and an open mind. It is the little details, usually taken for granted, that ultimately define us and I know that I am here now because it all fits into a grand scheme of things. None of the party poppers (sic) et al, I am grateful for the comfort of a silent night even as I write. And with nought but a fairly sound mind, a spirit that refuses to be conquered, the wavering light within and the ability to choose, I begin another chapter. A chapter where I can write, amend what errors might come up and basically differentiate between doing what is right and doing what seems to be right (despite the deceptive allure of what seems right)

I am truly grateful for the friends who have stuck with prickly me, glad for the opportunity to meet and interact with new acquaintances but above all, I am thankful for hope that cannot be overwhelmed. The hope that resonates with the washing away of the dirt of past years and the hope that makes me choose responsibly each day. It’s another 365 days and the count is on, I am careful to back off where need be and doggedly push through no matter how exhausted I may be. My prayer is wherever He leads me, may my obedience be borne from a desire to get the best of what He’s got from me and completely yield in every aspect.

Today, I remind myself that both the warmth of the sunshine and the coolness of the twilight are a blessing. So today, I unfurl my sails and pray for fair winds and when the waves turn choppy and rough, I know that there will always be beginnings and endings.

Adios!

The reverberation of silence…..

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Silence!

“Be (known as) a person of persistence and endurance. One person with persistence, commitment and endurance will accomplish more than a thousand people with interest alone.” – J. Mason

When and where we are birthed is not a decision that provides room for our opinions to weigh in. We emerge, most times, angry at the doctor or nurse who swatted our bum while we also vociferously complain at the change in our residing address. That really does nothing to the process of childbirth and/or family building, we eventually get to accept (some of us pretty early and others pretty late) that there are things/events we can change and others that would be a manifestation of sheer naivety and wrongful application of energy were we to attempt changing them. That’s where serenity comes to play, giving us peace to go through those events we have no control over however wisdom is a prerequisite to enable us tell the difference.

I recall my first solo Christian outreach as a University graduate some 16years ago and was it an eye opener indeed. Not only did it satisfy my urge to go to new places but it also made me realize that entitlement is a unique word and not the very best to use in our common, everyday conversations. There I was, in a little village populated by about 100 families who had chosen to question the predominant religion. No schools, no water, no electricity but all around them these same ‘necessities’ were available to others, a reward for their conformity and reliable apprehension at rocking the boat. I juggled having summer classes, learning the language, helping on farms and talking about intangible treasures that are stoutly backed by infallible and unbreakable promises. Talking about streets of gold to someone who had never seen an asphalt road is not just a gigantic stretch in imagination but it also kindles hope, strength of purpose and incomprehensible peace.

Trust is something that is inevitable to life. From the moment you open your eyes to a new day to the moment you shut them at the end is a journey of faith. You unknowingly believe that you will live, you believe the atmosphere can sustain your respiratory system, you believe that your feet will hold you up……you believe without an iota of doubt because that’s what science says. Who made science? There is always a source, an origin if we choose to apply ourselves to searching however there will always be the plethora of unanswered questions that make life more of a mystery than just a monotonous exercise. And those unanswered questions, we believe will be answered someday. That in a nutshell was one of the minor reasons that made me enjoy my stay and plan another visit the next summer.

On the faces of children and adults, I could see contentment and unbridled joy because they chose not to dwell on their lack (they were not anticipating a turn around so soon or the coming of a messiah) but rather focus on The One who holds all of life in His hands. They could relate with that! They could relate with the fact that life in itself is a season, and just like every agricultural community, they understood seasons – every season begins and ends someday. From the starry eyed kids in their worn-out clothing to the fierce gleam of defiance in the eyes of adults, I learned that what we need the most in life is companions that are eager and willing to walk some way with us as we journey through life. And not just any company but the distinct few who walk in agreement with us, come rain or scorching heat. I learned the beauty of silence, not the silence of indifference and nonchalance, but the silence that brings the realization of our existence as humans devoid of all the frenzy of the big cities and wholly dependent on Our Creator.

Like Spinoza says, “no matter how thin a slice is, there will always be two sides.” We may choose to butter both sides and deal with ensuring we don’t get dirt on our faces and clothing or we may choose to be thankful for that slice regardless of the availability of butter or not. I recalled this life changing experience because once again, I’m embarking on something completely foreign to me as I grapple with dystonia. An entirely unprecedented chain of events for those who know me just a bit. However with a life as unique as mine, you develop the knack of ignoring the bumps (& associated pain) from the thrown lemons and focus on making some lemonade. It’s not just trying to survive (a puny task I dare to opine), it is instead recognizing the circumstance and adapting to ensure your purpose is not derailed. The purpose always counts, and what we put in today and tomorrow will always determine if we are striving for excellence or just pretending to enjoy (while cringing internally in absolute terror) the waters as we are hurled along in no direction by the strong currents of life.

…..and you are???

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends” – MLK Jr. No life can be lived in isolation and although we do not get to pick our families but we do get to pick our friends, and yet again we believe that most of them will be there for the long haul despite the occasional squabbles. The journey we all embark on will have its fair share of storms, and sometimes during those storms, what we crave the most from our friends is not just a deluge of words alone but sometimes that walm hand that is quietly slipped into your hand, reassuring you that you are not alone. So many times, we are so unsettled by the silence that we fail to see and appreciate how consistent and little our true friends are. Their actions are not preceded by a definitely not-so eloquent speech or a forwarded ‘do not break the chain’ prayer (insincere and bothersome). True friends are found in the silence.

However there will be those times when ego has even gone to ground (for fear of identifing with you) and your outstretched hand is completely ignored. It is in those times that silence, if permitted, becomes a complete set of percussion instruments all wailing in discordance. That is when silence becomes a banshee whose voice threatens your peace of mind. It is that silence that cuts the most deeply, leaving a wound that may seemingly never heal. And still, even as the silence reverberates all around you, there is still a choice to be made – give into the insanity that the cruel, intentional silence of friends offer or find that quiet place deep in the recesses of your mind where no hand can touch. Retreat there to ponder on the fact that life is a process and it is the approval and relationship of God that counts the most. On the many occasions when friends align with the enemy through their silence and it becomes nigh impossible to differentiate friend from foe, then you are forced to remind yourself that no man has a plan that makes total provision for you, it is then you just must find Him.

I learned from that first experience, even in the silence, beauty can still exist. When the words from the lips of companions are like the falling of brown leaves, lifeless, insincere and meaningless. When their gestures threaten to extinguish the sliver of light you have because their intent is not to act but to be seen as being active. It is in times like these that I cling fervently to the promises of a good God who is not man that He would dare cast shadow on His Word. I remember that it is not the seeming abundance (just provocatively beyond your grasp) around you that counts but the ability to bask in what you have been blessed with; hope, purpose and a destination, that is what counts when the silence descends on you.

Remember, “We need to find God, and He cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls.” – Mother Teresa

עד ניפגש שוב, תן אהבה שלו למלא ולשמור אותך!

Adios!