Tag Archives: Myoclonus

…in the valley again

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Its eerily silent, with the evening breeze not so much caressing as biting my skin. My bones feel heavy, each joint creaking as I try to rise to my feet. Its almost like de ja vu as I look around and see nobody, save for the bones of the fallen at my feet. Like a sailor aboard a ship in the middle of a fierce storm, my legs feel all rubbery but still I must rise otherwise I might very well lay down and cradle the bones strewn around. And bones do not make for comfort.

I can hear the voices of people above and around me, seemingly oblivious and my voice grows hoarse as I call out for help, however the response is the echo that comes back to me. It is weird because this is like the reeling scenes of a movie once seen before. The callouses on my palm are a sore reminder of the last time I clawed my way to the top and although they are all but scars but still the memory of the climb is still nestled somewhere at the back of my mind.

The twinge along my spine is not of fear because that has been conquered long ago, it is just a painful reminder of the limitations of this vessel. The medication alleviates it but still like relentless waves of an angry sea, it bashes again and again with an almost uncanny determination to knock me down and keep me down – I object to that and acknowledge that even in the silence, I sense strength and hope for me.

Like the bucking rider on the bull, I am reminded that there are just but two players in the arena and regardless of whether there are silent or rowdy spectators, that does not change the fact. I have called out and He hath sent me help and this time will not be any different. This is not my first rodeo even as I yet again gather my garments around me and stumble to the the sheer walls surrounding the valley. Hoarse voice, calloused hands, aching body….still I know this is not my destination.

My head slumps just as another bout of pain hits me, and I see my own hands in the twilight – these are the only hands that will always help me up and rightfully attached they are to my own arms. I will not succumb! I did not and I still will not because there is more than just me to think about. No white flag will ever be hoisted above me in surrender because I am more than a conqueror and needless to say whether the circumstamces acquiesce to that or not, that is my choice.

I am not just going to be another set of bleached bones because this vessel holds dreams and aspirations and to them I will see, though time hastens by but with each footstep I take, I know that this battle has already been worn. The silence of those around me do not make me despair rather they drive me on, and as long as I’ve got a voice, it will be heard. I will not spend any energy in raising clenched fists in anger and disappointment, I need the strength to make my way up because as always when I crest the top, the beauty is a sight to behold and with heads bowed in shame, they will make way for me.

The climb must begin once again because this is not my destination, I know where I am headed and companions in due season will arise and play their role but for now I must do it all by myself and with the inexhaustible reserves of strength He avails me. Battered, bruised and bewildered but still I journey along. The stones feel very cold to the touch as my fingers search out the tiny holds to enable me pull myself up. This is not an exercise in futility because climbing takes me upwards and there I must be. A beacon of hope to those who have fallen down into their own valleys, an inspiration to the few amidst the many who have never been down, a message to all that life is not fair but the choices we make determine who we become – caregiver, friend or just another set of willing hands.

From my lips, emanate praise to The One who makes it all come together for me, for He was, still is and forever will be. Inch by inch, I pull myself up – the grazes matter but nought to me. This is my climb out of this valley and my place will never be with the bones…

מאי להאירובנעימות עליך עד שנפגש שוב .
Adios!

Flintlock, stone and barrel…

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“The world has the habit of making room for the man whose words and actions show that he knows where he is going.” ~ Napoleon Hill

Geez! This has me reeling from so many emotions however I presume its the inevitable result of not doing something in a long while and it kind of reminds me of the phrase “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. My last confession was over 6 months ago….”. Now this is less a confession but more of a sharing of my experiences and utilizing the experiences garnered during various encounters to first of all hoist myself up (just incase I have slipped down little bit) and then at least one other person who really needs this.

Its more like beginning another phase as I write this post because it truly is the end of one phase, prelude to the beginning of another. Am I truly grateful and blessed for this concluding phase? A definite and resounding yes, because I have been given the priviledge of meeting varying individuals for varying amounts of time and simply just trying to learn more than I know and when possible, letting another person know what makes me stand out. Am I completely free of Myoclonus? No however I still stand by my choice and bullishness not to give in to some disorder as I make each day on this personal journey count for something. Medical conditions are just that – they are conditions and not the manual for your life or who you want to be.

I spent a couple of days in San Diego, California and there I was opportuned to actually get to see and hold a flintlock and sure it was part of a priced collection owned by an artist whose ancestor was one of those real men back in the days. Days where boys grew to become men and lived as men, confronting life and its challenges head on without flinching. Men who understood instinctively what terms like family, parenthood, moral virtues stood for. Men who aged gracefully even as the threads of their lives unravelled as will ours as we approach our destination. So much has taken place that have been so significant that it drives home the fact that not only are we living in the last days of this world but that every little gesture made from a sincere compassionate heart reverbrates thoughtfulness, kindness and compassion…..these are virtues that are rapidly becoming extinct even as we all whole-heartedly apply ourselves to making a living as against just living life and learning.

One remarkable thing about the flintlock is how powerful a little spark can be, and when applied at the right time, the results were astounding (pretty sure whoever stood at the other end of the barrel back in its days will so emphatically concur). Now, one statement I read has stuck in my memory and even though it was used in the context of driving but I do say that it applies to life in itself……‘be a pebble in a rapidly flowing stream’….and that I dare say is not too difficult to imagine. We are all created equal but we definitely do not end up as equals and the difference is  in the choices we each have made and get to make each and every day. Do we choose to live in the past (allowing the experiences of the past so cloyingly overwhelm us that we limit ourselves) or do we learn from the past so as to create our own future because that is what our hands and hearts are for.

Undeniably, the flintlock is the past but it played its vital role in the world we live in today and even though it is more relic than relevant but the point is that it played its role. I have come across individuals who are yet to determine who they are, least of all applying themselves and my question usually is ‘how many versions of you actually exist (updated or obsolete)?’ And this question usually goes to drive home my bewilderment in how some just choose to do nothing with their lives. In our own little worlds, we can at least be the stone that strikes the flint. We can choose today to resist the clamour and popular option of being nobody in today’s world or put aside all vestiges of complacency and just do something. Fail if you must because in failing, at least you have learnt one way not to do what you just attempted. There is no better art than attempt because opportunities of all kinds assail us everyday and whilst we refuse to do a thing, the opportunity passes and most times, we unfortunately do not get to see it again.

No better person than Thomas Edison in recent history could have put it better; “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Take a shot or a swing at life, and if you miss, try it again because life in itself is a journey that we all must undertake and we are going to be remembered for our indifference or for our efforts. I honestly do not keep count of the things I regret not doing but I do look forward to keeping a consistent effort in making my life something I would be proud of in retrospect. Notwithstanding the limitations of this frail body, there is more in life that we can by just doing something (and I do want to emphasise – do something that is right). Regardless of how numbered our days, we each have something to bring to the table but first of all we must find it lest we have nothing to give. There is much joy in giving freely anyway….

There will definitely be storms (that’s one characteristic of life) but those storms help shape us especially when we realise that our own strength is puny by itself, and His strength is there just for the asking. As the water flows past the pebble, and weathering occurs – realise that no matter how smooth that pebble becomes, it is still capable of igniting a fire when used properly. Take a look around you and see that hurting person close by, and realise that nothing happens by chance. You are where you are for a reason, understand the reason and do something at that moment in time and place. Empathy is not a synonym for weakness but it is an attribute of humanity. Let us not give into the craziness that is so rapidly engulfing us but be a light in the darkness….in two words; BE DIFFERENT!

Remember “There is no failure except in no longer trying.” ~ Elbert Hubbard. May the sunlight illuminate your paths and fair winds greet your sail because you are never alone.

עד שנפגשנו שוב, אולי התענוגות שלו להיות העונג שלך לעשות!

Adios!

Shattered existence….

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…Shattered Image.
 

“Do not be weary in well doing, for you will reap in due season………..if you faint not” – Galatians 6:9 (God’s Manual)

Phew! Happy new year!! It is the start of yet another wonderful year – 2016, it just rolls off the tongue and its so exciting that it is a leap year, makes it all the more special I dare say. Having my beautiful daughter explain the concept of a leap year is something that every parent would cherish because in those moments therein lies irrepressible and undaunting hope, and an embodiment of a greater tomorrow. When something occurs just once in four years, what are the odds that it will not be special. So I say it is a special and while I also acknowledge that it also represents time gone, my next task is evaluating and reviewing the time spent with the objective of improving on the good and discarding the bad. Resolutions? No! More like goals to me and being as regular as I can blogging, with improvement (one of the most obvious goals). There is also the goal to being a better me that I was last year, now that encompasses a huge lot….
 
I did not get to do anything since my last post in November (my unreserved apologies about that) because it was and will always be filled with lots of activities each persistently varying for my full attention and I am not the best at multi-tasking but I try to apportion and appropriate the limited resource that time is. Nothing has further drawn me closer to the fleeting and brittle nature of our existence with the births and deaths that closed last year. Now I unashamedly admit that regardless of how far a relationship you share with someone, a loss is painful and grief is not a sign of weakness. I have shared the pains with those who lost and celebrated the joys with those who were blessed, and either way, life does have its ups and downs. Fitting in requires something of a balancing skill if you want to have more than just a weak shot at living. I was sharing portions of my life story with a young friend and I told her that certain events occur in your live that reveal more of your humanity. Weeping is not exclusively for the weak, in actuality, it is a revelation and display of both empathy,compassion and our humanity.
 
I remember, not very vividly, the first time I beheld a mirror of my own back in the days ( it was kind of a luxury/’self centered’ icon) and taking out time to check out the acne, your own facial features (yep it was a handheld small one not the full length…) – funny now in retrospect but back then it was quite a task. Ensuring every hair strand is in place, the smile rehearsals for occasions that may come up, and even the different game faces, was it not a lot back then. And then like every other thing, it just happened, one day haste got the better of me and it slipped from my grip and hit the ground. Shards of glass all over the place…geez! being incensed does not quite capture my emotions, who I was incensed at did not even matter because it was all about the mirror. Getting the largest sliver, after hopelessly trying to childishly put it back together like a puzzle, I realized that the largest shard would have to suffice because trying to get a reflection from a put together cracked mirror is almost as frustrating as trying to leap into a moving plane (I am no Tom Cruise and even he had the necessary gear etc).
 
Attempting to put that shattered mirror together comes with some pain, glass is sharp (scars unequivocally attest to that) but in reality some things cannot be fixed. You did not make it in the first place even though you broke it, so move on. I have long ceased trying to fix others especially when it dawned on me decades ago (April 27, 1992 to be precise) that I so desperately needed fixing myself, but I choose to use that aspect of me that can encourage others to get a glimpse of themselves and realize that it is not as hopeless as it seems. Now having seen more than my fair share of medical experts and heard their droning, believe me when I say nothing is as hopeless as it seems even when you are the one responsible for the mess. Making the choice to be nice even when all the laws of science demand the alternative is not as easy as it is being written, said or read, you simply cannot do that all by yourself – you will drain yourself of your life energy. And so, I choose this year to continue to be nice even when I can not explain the reason to the next person. I choose to aspire to encourage even on the very bad days, and there have been quite a deluge of those days in recent times. The resonating joy is that I am doing things that I could not dare imagine some years ago. so for me, it is still a day – good or bad.
Looking back, like I tend to do, reminds me of how much time we spend expending so much negative emotions at everyone else and everything but ourselves that we fail to realize that regardless of how bad a situation may be, something can be salvaged from it. Without delving into my battle with Myoclonus, I have come almost a full 180 degrees based on the ongoing challenges I face and the ones I have overcome and still are. Joiv repeatedly tells me how unsettling it is the way I currently respond to situations, the usual reaction that was my trademark is slowly but evidently loosing its influence and I am not even aware. What I do know is that there is more to be gained treating others not just the way I want to be treated but maybe even better than I would (if that is possible). Does the truth have to be told? Oh most definitely, honesty is fundamental – the vehicle that conveys that truth is what you certainly have to make a choice on. Malleability was one of my best words in high school because of the definition and having it as a trait (from the human perspective) is also nice, being able to adapt to change without being too rigid or too amorphous goes a long way in living life easier. Pertinent to note is that whether we like it or not, change is indeed the only permanent thing in life. Word play is an art, and is best utilized by the greatest minds.
 
In the last few weeks – the closing of last year and the beginning of this year, I have seen more of the idiosyncrasies of individuals up, close and personal and it does not drive me as oddly (up the wall fast) as it used to because it is so much easier to live when you appreciate that people are simply a result of the choices they have and are still making, throw in handful of the experiences they have been through and how much they allowed themselves to be torn up or thrust up, accompany that with the lifestyle they presently choose and you have yourself a meal, oops a package/profile of that individual. Now, admittedly,  it has not been very palatable but it just helps in being able to process very fast and still choose to be nice without loosing your cool and reverting back to that inherent vicious brute that is somewhere hidden inside. For me; up, close and personal is certainly not the best of options for me (no thanks to myoclonus) but I have also seen that you are forced to make instant decisions on whether being a Christian is a garment that can easily be tossed aside when the gloves come off or that it is a lifestyle that inevitably calls for some sacrifices that are so difficult to make. Closed quarters just like adversity brings out the real you.
 
Our lives are more than a reflection of our physical semblance in a mirror, they are the instruments for living out a tale that will motivate others to move up to higher and more stable grounds…or not! We are all on this journey called life and no matter how reclusive you are, you will always encounter someone else and the moments you spend with that person might be all you may ever have, so what deters us from making those moments count. I have been bitter, resentful, unforgiving etc and so I can recognize them when I see them but I choose to learn from my own playbook (God’s manual) and not get into the trenches with those negative emotions because that right there is a leap backwards, a plunge into mucky waters…when we ought instead to be moving forwards and heading upwards. That is actually where the best is! Learn from the mistakes of history so that we do not repeat them, the history has been done however the future is still to be. We choose either to dwell continually in the past or make today count towards a better tomorrow, however the resource called time is not ours to fiddle with.
 
I have stopped trying to see a reflection of myself from the put together pieces of a broken mirror because it is just futility to the letter, instead focusing more on what I have learned from past reflection, I am moving on with as much spring as my knees and back can take, my cane is quite handy too. With a jaunty whistle to the tune in my heart, I move on because it is not so much as the reward that awaits me in due season, it is also about not growing weary and fainting – now therein lies the question that only me/you can answer. Where does my/your strength lie? And my response is still unchanged, my eyes are lifted up to the hills where His inexhaustible reserves of strength lies awaiting. For this new year, where do you choose to draw strength from because we both assuredly know that we cannot do it all by ourselves by any means. The harder we try, the less we have of ourselves to give but give we must so there had better be something good to give otherwise we will be so minimized; with all the negative emotions already overwhelming society, that our lives will count for nothing and to me that is the most pitiable thing that can ever happen to an individual.
 
Remember that there is just one of you amongst the billions in the world, make that count by aspiring to be the best you can be, there really is no competition save for walking in accordance with the purpose of Your Creator. Let go of striving to see ourselves in the warped reflection of broken mirrors, adjudging yourself by the expectations of people and just be YOU! Even when you think you have failed, get back up and begin again, you are in no competition with another you. My prayers are that this year will not just be the best year we have lived but that we will each plug into the life cord that flows from God and together live such a life that the world would be saddened to see us go.
 
מאי להאירובנעימות עליך עד שנפגש שוב .
Adios!

A Jolt in the road……

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.....the jolt changes things!

                                                                        ….the jolt changes things!

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, rather we are spiritual beings having a human experience” – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Most times, very significant events are captured by an exclamation of some sorts like the popular ‘Eureka!’ to its being described in some fancy words like ‘the aha! moment’, the aim is ultimately to try and share the clarity of vision received following such an event. For those who like penning down stuff, it’s that thought that takes such a grip on you that the ability to attend to some other task is almost non existent. Expressing it is like the release that you so crave, it rids you of the restlessness of your inner being….that desire to comprehend in some form, the sudden change of events that hitherto had seemed almost perfect – just like we planned????

As a growing kid in a large household complete with 5 siblings, the house helps, relatives, pets and the frequent house guest; it was mandatory to start off the day by attending to the chore that had been assigned to you by the matriarch. One of my earlier chores was cleaning up the master bedroom which also included one of my favourite tasks – making up the bed, and there was something almost soothing in transforming the neatly folded square of bed sheet into the bedcover that spanned the breadth and width of the mattress. Smoothening out every crease, making every tuck as neat as possible, maximum concentration and the quiteness, it was almost like the bed should never be slept in because it appeared so beautiful however that was what I’d have liked as against the very essence of the whole exercise which was to prepare the bed for the next sleep in. That was what the bed was made for, the exercise of dressing it up was just a process to get it to fulfil the purpose for which it was made. If it was not slept in, I guess there would be no need to make it up and then there would be no chore of that sort again. In retrospect, I suppose that task played a role in how I deal with neatness and almost being too particular about how stuff is arranged.

A couple of days ago, I was almost involved in the second rollover in my entire driving history and geez!it is indeed a miracle that it did not happen but it began just like the first one, there was that annoying jolt in an otherwise very smooth road for the last hundreds of miles. It is no testament to how far I’ve come on this journey, banned from driving 5years ago by medical experts due to dystonia but God has sometimes shoved me when I had almost given up on myself, and His grace is so evident in the very fact that I was even behind the wheels. Battling the hesitation from medical experts, turning a deaf ear to the concerns from some that it might be more of a con than a pro because of the stress involved but it’s something I’ve always loved doing (driving and road trips) and just being able to enjoy it again has been such a delight. The last few weeks have all but gone by in a blur and just when it seems like everything was going according to plan (slowly but surely)….. It happened again, I struck that jolt in the road, not because of medical fears but just something that could happen to just about anyone, I swerved to avoid an object! – need I mention how smooth the last hundred miles had been? Now it’s like my very worst fears might be realised, the road trips might come to an end and the prospect was so horrifying some minutes ago….

It’s so weird that in our world today, we are seemingly more comfortable with trusting human opinions or technology made by man when in all sincerity, these things that we are choosing to base our existence upon are creations of our hands and mind you, our knowledge is very limited. We readily turn to Google for the answer to that question that was just thrown at us, and without even stopping to consider, we are ready to run with the answer supplied by Google. Funny enough, there was no Google in high school and I barely relied on it in college but I did succeed (sure it might have made stuff easier but still ….). It is so strange how more often than not, we make the choice to run with what we consider our best plans and get so lost in it that it actually requires that jolt in the road to make us realise how feeble and limited our own attempts at making and living the best plans out are. We so quickly get so drawn into the smoothness of the road that we forget that life is in itself more of a journey than a destination, it is a series of stops and when we allow ourselves to get lost in the smoothness of some portion, we may very well miss the next exit and the entrance to the next and usually better phase of our lives.

As Christians, it is so easy to profess our faith when the going is smooth but guess what, faith is tested by trials and it is during those trials that we have to come to terms with our faith and profess it because we believe even when the situation says otherwise. One of my favourite Scriptural verse is encapsulated in the story of the three young Hebrew boys born and bred in captivity, under the rule of Babylon; what is most compelling is that they stared their own death in the face of the fiery furnace and yet their words whilst depicting the possibility of their own human fallibility strongly proclaimed their faith in God regardless of whether He came through on their behalf or not. It’s become more than just words to me on this journey, I choose to believe that my Creator has the best plans for me because I’m constantly reminded on a daily basis of my limitations (no thanks to Myoclonus). And yes it has taken yet this jolt to bring me around but I’m glad that I have come around to acknowledge that my well being is not defined by how smooth the road has been or will be, but rather it will always be defined by the gradual manifestation of His purpose in my life. I choose to enjoy the moments as they come and not flinch when it ends because as surely as day and night, seasons will begin and end.

Even as the winter winds howl, and the temperature plummets, I am reminded that this is yet another season that has begun on the ends of the previous one. And even though the prospects seem scary, I know that choosing to worship rather than worry will always put me in good stead. We have to make the painful admission that we do not know it all and our best plans pale in comparison to His purpose and plans for us. We have to acknowledge, sometimes painfully too, that He has got us even though it might look like its the isolation of the darkness again. I look back and I acknowledge how far I have come, despite the overwhelming hopelessness of some of those times and I know that the jolt is less of a deterrent but rather more of a prod in the right direction. Understand that you can only encourage yourself in Him when you are all by yourself, alone and sometimes frightened. You can only understand the wisdom of sorrowing times when you truly lose and are sorrowing, the process includes pain and pleasure but its up to you to choose on what you’d rather dwell on. I’ve gotten past the worst times, what else but better times await me ahead. There is no counsel save His that takes preeminence in my life and even though I stand alone in these times, I will stand tall and true because I know He is all things to me. Such comforting reassurance even as I face the uncertainty of tomorrow, I am truly glad for the privileges and opportunities – the opportunity to be differ ent, the opportunity to leave positive impact on the lives I’ve been blessed to encounter, the opportunity to hear people say how inspired they are and above all the opportunity to share my story and watch hope burst into flames in the life of those who had given up and those who almost had.

I can never know it all, that’s impossible but I know who does and with every passing breath (it’s quite visible these times), I choose to defer to His Will and plans because it has and will always be about Him. Nothing else matters more!

פרידה עד שנפגשנו שוב בתזמון שלו, וייתכן שאהבתו של אלוהים להיות אמיתית לך!

Adios! Continue reading →

It’s just the broom…..

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Do it well!

                      Do it well!

“Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance” – Will Durant

I really don’t know how long ago I actually put myself to work (on my feet) armed with paper towels and a bottle of windex glass cleaner, but as the task went on, I realised that with every wipe of the glass, not only did I rightly anticipate the associated physical discomfort, but what was much more satisfying was how much grime was sacrificed to let in brighter light. Now it was not as though the glass pane was thoroughly dirt streaked or an eyesore however it sure could look better and it did look better at the end. The satisfaction I derived from something so mundane in nature was mine to savor because I succeeded in putting to rest the fleeting worry of ‘can I do this?’

I learn each day that we are solely responsible for the paths we choose to walk on, however my question to myself each time is ‘was the choice really mine or was it just me living out someone else’s goal like a puppet?’ Now if the answer is the former, then I have succeeded in pushing back the drapes of ignorance just a little bit more. However if the answer is the latter, then corrective actions need to be promptly taken to get back on track. Why? You can never give what you don’t have and I’m not taking about something loaned to you by a friend/associate or whoever, I’m talking about ownership and responsibility. These words represent values that are gradually becoming extinct and in all reality, it’s not raising as much furore as the extinction of the dinosaurs but in order to inch forwards towards the lofty goals set, we may have to experience some discomfort. Is this a case of the end justifying the means? Absolutely not! I dare say that it is you realising who you are and regardless of the mistakes we might make, nothing triumphs the satisfaction of being you.

Like I said in my last post, the recent weeks have not just been hectic but they have actually tested my resolve as a human being (especially one facing the challenges of myoclonus head on), whilst being cast alongside the hordes of humans that surround us everyday. The question is are you just part of a surging population or you are willing to break the mould, open up that closet and do some spring cleaning. Now would very well be the best time. In times like this, where we are surrounded by technological advancements and giant leaps, the fundamentals can not be forgotten – that in itself would be as grave an injustice as can be. I remember my first lesson as a kid, just recently assigned my daily chores comprising making my parents’ bed and sweeping their bedroom – armed with a broom (sic), brush and dustpan, I recall how difficult it used to be initially, ensuring that the broom stayed right in front whilst steering it in broad arcs (as far as my tiny arms could) gathering the dust, dirt and whatever else right to the point where you could sweep it all into the dustpan and call it a day. Sometimes in a bid to do something more pleasurable to me, I’d sometimes let the broom get behind me and usually, I was compelled to redo it all over again.

My issue is how many times have we allowed our resources master us as against it being the other way round? Are we certain that the satisfaction that accompanies fulfilling a task is worth the effort put into it? Wednesday was yet another learning point for me, as I watched an intern drop out of training because he didn’t ‘think’ his training was a process that would culminate in achieving a goal and that the risk was not commensurate with the income. Now, in retrospect, I believe that many of us have not really set in motion the process of educating ourselves because we have become so complacent that even our choices are not really ours anymore. It’s a tirade of ‘my friend convinced me to’ or ‘I’m expecting a baby so my mum suggested I need to make more money’…. I could go on and on but in all reality you are the one in the race and when the cards don’t line up and you get so frustrated that you get inducted as a member of the Quitters’ Society, it’s you making that choice. Ever heard of ‘winners don’t quit and quitters don’t win’? I am yet to see this time proven statement revised so that it encompasses things like disabilities or restrictions, for me; it’s just two classes of individuals – winners and quitters.

Assuredly, the process can so beat you up that you just want to throw in the towel but if you do, what new lesson have you learned about yourself. We all have the ability to dream be it; opening a haberdashery or establishing your own firm or refusing to be perpetually beat up by a disability, whatever it is; You choose to continue or give up. It is no new fact that the cemetery is an expansive collection of unused potentials and great ideas just because many have shirked away from facing the hard work ahead but instead want to jump the broom and land in the kingdom of Oz. Remember you also have to click your heels and put on the dress too, however if you are so ensconced in running away from work then you’ll never get anything done. I see people on a daily basis throwing away chances of self fulfilment just because they lack the resolve to put their backs into it. Yes, people may yell and scream when you make mistakes but remember that life in itself is a learning curve and I am yet to see and/or hear of anyone who has never made a mistakes. Mistakes just teach us ways of not doing things inimical to our progress.

Each new day like today, is yet another opportunity to decide and take action. Do away with the incessant whining and being mummy’s boy and do something for you because each time you opt to jump the broom, guess what you’ve just left behind…..the opportunity of having a clean room and the joy of accomplishment. Ther are no set down timelines for us and so we must make hay while the sun shines because whether we like it or not, we don’t control time and there will certainly come a time when the sun goes down and you can collect no more hay. Work smart is the fad now but you must first work hard so you can learn also how to become smart and then apply it. It’s more than just living your life out there on social media (do you really believe people are that focussed on your everyday action?), do the honourable thing by showing people values like inspiration, commitment, dedication and more importantly the capacity to care about others. When that room is swept and all tidied up, it sure ain’t going to be you alone who will some day and at some point, make use of that room.

Our actions today, impact on others and on our tomorrow and so whilst you are at it, make it a goal to be the best you can ever be, because there is really just one of you. Do away with the ‘Somebody, Nobody, Anybody, Everybody’ poem and just do you; that is really all you can do anyway. You can influence the actions of others but you can’t make choices for them and if perchance you’re one of those who are so ‘protective’, that bird will never experience the thrill and satisfaction of flying with its own wings. So instead of contributing positively, you’ve chosen to put out an uninformed and irresponsible person in addition to the countless others that are already wandering about, desperately searching for something they won’t even recognise when they see it. We must all have something to believe in, why don’t you start with yourself – that’s all you’ve really got anyway. And if you make a hash of it at some point (we are all learning anyway), chuck the experience behind you but move on with the lesson learned. Life has been likened to many things; it is like a classroom but you had better know why you are there and want to be there or you’ll just be a rabble rouser (if you’re even that good).

Remember, it’s better late than never. It’s never too late to begin again whilst there’s still breath within you. The world is already sad enough without your own addition, be the difference – be the game changer, be an inspiration, be the considerate one, be the one who exudes joy, be the encourager, be the difference between someone giving up and someone choosing to strive for change. It is a large world we are in but you can only do your bit and pray God makes it significant to another. There’s a huge difference between leaping in faith and jumping the broom, your convictions and choices will determine which route you take.

It’s dystonia month, and to the many champions out there, we can’t afford to put our oars down now. Let’s put our backs into it, make them aware and challenge them because if we can, what excuse would they have?

פרידה עד שנפגשנו שוב בתזמון שלו, וייתכן שאהבתו של אלוהים להיות אמיתית לך!

Adios!

Second chances, One change…..

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Make that chance count!

 Make it count!

Separation is almost as applicable to man as is the desire for the achievement of set goals and dreams. When a man (or woman) is stripped bare of the fineries of material riches and geographical comfort, our response or reaction usually marks the distinguishing factor between individuals. I’ve had friends break away from glitz, glamour and fame just to go into isolation and rehab because the clarity of realisation suddenly dawns on them that there’s so much more to life than what today’s world offers. Am I inferring reclusion as being the best way of life? That I certainly am not doing….however I acknowledge that most times, change is preceded by separation or else how would you achieve any change by remaining in just that one spot?

I was recently faced with a friend’s dilemma (and when I say friend, I mean that he’s not just kicking cancer’s butt, but he is also one of the nicest and most modest people I’ve been blessed to meet). It was actually one of those ‘moments’ for me, when he told me that he’d been diagnosed with cancer, and yet you could see that he was committed to making every moment count each time we interacted.  It’s funny but the best perspectives are usually gotten from people who have had their fair share of life throwing both the kitchen sink and the entire plumbing at them. Now it’s more meaningful to me why he was so beat up when I recall our last conversation. He’s an instructor and as is the norm today, a basic requirement for any career/job/internship is the inevitable drug test. What was his dilemma? He just lost a couple of his bright student trainees because they failed their drug test/urine-analysis and he was so beat up about it because he felt that these people were trying to turn their life around and for some reason, the system would not let them.

Now that right there is the beauty of association, it offers a different perspective because when I heard the news, I took the well trodden path that people should assume responsibility for the consequences of their actions (more of harsh truth, less of tenderness…oops!). I opined that it is common knowledge that you must pass a drug test prior to being accepted as a new employee or as an intern, and just incase my opinion is skewed….it is always clearly stated in bold print usually that one of the first requirements is that you are subjected to and must pass a drug test. It’s done everywhere; sports, blue and white-collar jobs, even in jail and so more often than not, you have the opportunity to discontinue what wrong habit you have been indulging in (separate yourself) because chances for change do not come everyday. I feel bad hearing such news and it’s closer to heart when I am somewhat involved with such persons. Why is it so difficult for people to admit to themselves the truth that they’ve made mistakes or are still making them but are man enough to be willing to face the consequences? From experience, the consequences (when there’s an admission, realisation and repentance) are a little more than a smack on the back of their hand because not only is forgiveness divine but there’s a love so profound that when we do acknowledge and give in to it, we luxuriate in the truth that He’s borne it all just for you.

The startling truth is that, more often than not, we reject the most profound of loves and the best of relationships and naively or ‘wisely’ choose the ever-present short cuts in life and convince ourselves into believing that we can get to a destination on our own terms without breaking a sweat. Nope! Life is one hard task master; so experience has taught me that the short cuts in life are usually still under construction and so in our bid to be smart, we find ourselves stuck all by ourselves surrounded by others like us amidst tons of debris, completely unable to make it to the other end. (And I kid you not when I say that’s definitely not a venue for making worthwhile relationships, heck!you cannot stay calm or be at your best whilst you’re being smothered and sucked under debris). Is life unfair? It sure has to be in order to accommodate everyone, the difference is our response to our perceived unfairness of life. Separation is indeed a hard choice to make, sometimes we don’t even get to claim the bragging rights, because it’s just what it is at that moment of intervention. In hindsight however, separation precedes change. We have all been given second chances, some are on their ninth chance but irrespective of it being your second or ninth, it’s still another chance and could very well be the last.

The trifling issue is if we are ready to make that change, then the harsh losses associated with separation is something that we must be ready to put up with. The pains arising from withdrawal symptoms, the discomfort of the transformation, the loneliness et al are things we must be prepared to face. I remember the words of my swimming instructor during my late teenage years when I had barely two weeks to learn swimming and prepare for a comprehensive certification exam; a prerequisite for working in the oil sector…”keep your eyes focussed on the prize (in this scenario, it was the end of a 50m pool) and as long as you see that wall, I know you’ll ace the test”. Needless to say, I did both of us proud by passing my certification exam in swimming and today, swimming still remains one hobby that is no longer just a means to an end but it’s become many things; therapy, an avenue to meditate and a place to clear my head.

Now, unfortunately for many of us, we convince ourselves that we can beat these tests of life – I’ve heard quite a few ‘intelligent’ comments –

‘buy a bottle of detox (I don’t even still know what that is) and drink it at least 48 hours prior, then you will be fine!’ (#geniusforfree)

‘get someone to pee for you, so you can swap the containers cos your employers don’t really care how you pass’

‘turn up your charm knob to the maximum, and talk your way through it, they’ll remember your personality and not care about your performance!’

I can go on and on but in all reality, there’s usually always one casualty and that’s you. When we realise that it’s in our nature to err, we must always realise also that for us to be better, we must separate ourselves from that recurring error (elementary mathematics!). Admission always precedes repentance! If we don’t, the change that you so desperately crave will be gone before you even realise it, and not only does it ruin your chance for change but it gets put on your personal records (personal yet public) – still grappling with what I just said? I leave it to your imagination to paint the domino effect you’ve just set in play that will irretrievably affect your future. Regardless of the errors we made in the past, remember that there will be an opportunity to right that wrong and therefore we must be prepared to recognise the chance when it comes and make that change we so desperately need.

‘He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, just to gain that which he cannot lose’ – Jim Elliot. We are all created for a purpose, the passion needed to fulfil that purpose is inherent in us but first we must pass through the ordeal of separation so as to emerge tried, tested and proven. As we face our fears, let us confront them with faith that despite the glaringly difficult and thorny road that stares us in the face, there are roses too, but run we must because the moment we stop running with God who alone can strengthen you, then we feel the thorns prickling us on all sides. God never promised us smooth sailing, but He did promise that He’d be with us through it all and guess what….we will see clearly when the rain is gone. Our lives depend so greatly on how much of our good (status, riches, comfort..) we are willing to sacrifice for the best that we deserve, and even though we be besieged on all sides be it in the form of dystonia or cancer or addictions or the relentless pressure from the world to be someone else, we must keep our eyes open and make that chance count.

The chance to be nice, the chance to be less self-centred and more selfless, the chance to be a shoulder for another, the chance to rewrite our story and give another hope just from reading it, the chance to surmount our physical limitations and soar on wings as eagles, the chance to give and not always take, the chance to empathise and share another’s burden, the chance to love even if we’re not loved back, the chance to just sow some good in the lives we meet, the chance to be a friend to some stranger and/or be rebuffed but still not give up on other strangers, the chance to spread a message of love, hope and faith….because not only do we actually become better people when we take these chances but we also reach out and touch someone who is going through tough times and give them a reason to forge ahead. We can make it if we really want, but we must try – allow The Perfect One all the room He needs so He can take the wheel of our lives and steer us right. That should be our story, long told after we are gone, that he fought the good fight and now there’s an example to follow.

Remember, keep your eyes focussed on Christ cos He’s the author and finisher of our faith. Strap yourselves in, we’ve got some smooth sailing ahead and even when the storm hits as it will certainly do, pick yourself up because someday you’ll hear these words……’Land ahoy!’

פרידה עד שנפגשנו שוב בתזמון שלו, וייתכן שאהבתו של אלוהים להיות אמיתית לך!

Adios!

Constrained but not confined……

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constrained motion

Constrained motion…

It is just past noon and the sun is still scorching, you can literally see the heat waves shimmering off the road surface…..and even my favorite hobby of swimming is not as enjoyable as it is wont but then I still will enjoy it because change is not solely defined by geographically location, it is to me a myriad of definitions depending on the present circumstances that surround you. This hopefully suffices for all those out there who want to know if I have ‘relocated’. “To struggle and to understand. Never the last without the first. That is the law.”– George Mallory

I had my last neurological assessment a couple of weeks prior to making this trip and as usual, it was an evaluation of how far I have come. How far has the myoclonus progressed? Are there newer symptoms that I have noticed between now and my last assessment? Yep! Myoclonus is more than just one word, it is a package of unpredictable responses by my neurological system that have ceased to be the center of my focus because it will always be about what I challenge myself with irrespective of whether it is a good or bad day. I left her (my neurologist) with a smile because everything about life can be compartmentalized by the struggles we each face daily. Of course, my assessment ended with an amended prescription – dosages increased, new drugs added but despite having to lug around a pouch filled with my medication, I remind myself that this disorder can only conquer me if I choose to allow it. Myoclonus might constrain me but I made the choice three years ago that I would not be confined by it, working through the mixed feelings of the depression of being finally diagnosed and the fact that I was not the only one struggling with something I never planned for.

And so back then I reassured myself that there was no better time than now to check off the boxes on my to do list, keep a journal and eventually start blogging after being encouraged to do so by my best friend. It has been more than 2 years ago that I made that first effort/attempt to pen down my thoughts – and did I struggle? Yes I did, but I look back now and its almost so far away that one might think it never happened. Alas to everything on earth, there is a beginning and an end – ironically none of us can truly influence each end of the spectrum but what we must do is to do what we can, now that we can.

Today, I reminisce about the 3 year journey and how so much change has been wrought in my life, the people that I have been blessed to encounter and those that may not have been such a blessing. The hard truth is that not everyone we encounter will be a blessing but everyone that we do encounter is there for a reason and will therefore evoke change in us – positive or negative, the choice is entirely up to us. In the course of this journey, I have learned more about medical research than I ever thought I would, forging a path in medicine was never a choice of mine to begin with. And so when I am severely constrained by bouts of sciatica or the worst case of the shakes, or be it the onset of rheumatoid arthritis or the unceasing struggle with the exhaustion of insomnia, I stride on. To me, they are all part of this nasty package called myoclonus – constraining and sometimes severely hampering everyday activities but for each day’s struggle, there is always some victory to be clinched at the end.

I appreciate constantly how unique I am, the strength of God’s love made manifest and the truth that He has, can and will bear this heavy burden. I realize that with the onset of something new in this struggle with myoclonus, there are more accompanying blessings than I can see and so that is what I choose to define me. It is those choices that influence the words I speak, the increasing empathy for people who are nigh on being completely helpless, the fact that I can forgive and move on with the exhilarating feel of true freedom. That I completely acknowledge that the ability to forgive is not mine to create, rather it is a gift of God that I can always tap in and utilize. Those moments of brokenness that have brought me to realize that the core of my strength is and never will be defined by the physical limits of this frail body, rather it is defined by One who words are so inadequate as to completely describe Him. He has, is and will always the very essence of my being. He is all things to me, I can because He says so and therefore what a walk in the park it will be.

It is always a joy explaining to the curious that despite how complicating myoclonus is (they usually never quite grasp the complexity of a nervous system disorder beginning from the brain or the resultant misfiring and overfiring of signals through my nervous system or the almost imperceptible but constant tremors), it is not what defines me. Yep, I may be a little wobbly or twitchy or require more attention than the next person be it in a seating arrangement or when it comes to simple tasks like joining a buffet line to grab a meal, however there is still so much that I can do because it is a phase that will definitely have an end. And it is that end, that we all on our personal paths, strive to attain so as to move on to the next phase or season. Life is a journey comprising a series of seasons but with one final destination in itself.

I am grateful for the beauty of having an emotional support and structure, quietly being set up during the darkest moments by God, the sacrifices made and given by very remarkable individuals – none of whom I anticipated ever meeting. Today, I am more than a patient, more than a part of the data complied for medical research; today I am who God says I am – that is the report I live with. And for everyone who has played such significant roles in my journey, I am grateful that you were/are a part of my journey because someday it will be all over…….and guess what? it won’t be long! Today, I am having the best moments of my life, and looking forward to even better times because my end will progressively and definitely be better than where I am now. It is, in all reality, all working together for my good. Such good that it will be savored by as many as possible, beginning with my household.

Remember this “Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved” – William Jennings Bryan

ייתכןשהרוחות תמיד תהיה לטובתך עד שנפגשנו שוב!

Adios!

Taking it back….

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Whatchu gonna do?

“Sometimes we have to take a step back and realize what is important in your life; what you can live with but more importantly what you cannot live without.”

Well it is a great day to jump right here and shake off the assertions of the ‘normal’ every day life which I got accustomed to in the past (the tale of being jumped on by myoclonus, a rare neurological disorder is something that always inadvertently pops up in my posts), got liberated and intend on staying liberated. Phew! It just sneaks up on you and before you know it, there you are, being dumped upon by everyday activities that are not the daily activities of your own choosing. Round and round we go, seeking to break away from the vicious cycle that has life always wanting to be the administrator. The weird issue about that picture is who should really be the one in charge because someone definitely has to be in charge and so for me, I am teamed up with the Creator and what an awesome team it is. I get to determine my daily activities based on an understanding of what He has defined and determined for me.

With reference to my identity and earlier posts, we are all prisoners of birth and someday we have to make the choice – remain prisoners of birth or break free from the shackles that are almost like a second skin. It has been a harrowing period of some sorts these past few weeks as I seek to clear out the cobwebs that have gathered in my very own niche, no thanks to myoclonus but this is something that I was made to do – occupy and be a value adder. I realize how amazing it is that we somehow inexplicably choose to be driven by life and its abstract goals – a choice made by our refusal to choose (cowardice) and fail to realize that the very priorities that should count in our lives are those that we ditch in a bid to meet up with the running around game. But, hold on a second, what is the running in circles for? and why engage in something that you neither know who set the rules of the game or who administers the benefits?

It is somewhat amusing and so exciting when I get to see that moment in that one individual when their dimming bulb starts glowing so much brighter as the awareness of who should be in charge of their life dawns upon them. That, dear friends is something that will continually drive me in my battle to stay in charge of my life regardless of myoclonus and its creepy associates, the individuals who daily cross my path with sniggers and disparaging comments, the nay sayers and the ignorants.  Regardless of how numerous they are, I know that there will always be that someone who gets to see the light – literally and more. We were not dumped here on earth because of some clean up exercise somewhere, absolutely not. We were created to take charge, created to be champions in life – riding high on the surf and standing tall and strong even in the twilight times. Somewhere things went wrong and so progressively, we find ourselves enmeshed in a world where the absurd has become the norm and the appropriate has become despicable. Quite a few remarkably absurd events have occurred and more absurd explanations have been offered and less than a ripple has been the reaction, such hopelessness and despondency.

I was among a privileged few that were under the ‘tutelage’ of Chip Ingram and for the half hour or less, it was another opportunity to see what we need to do to remain human beings. Like an epidemic, a wave of severely skewed reasoning patterns has birthed a multitude of people whose overwhelming desire is to do whatever life lays for them and so all around us are unique individuals, countless but distinctly crazed by their inability to choose. We have become less human beings and more human doings, everyone running viciously doing and doing and doing, each attempting to mirror another’s misunderstood drive. And yet we wonder where all the care, compassion, kindness, love, warmth has gone to. The very things that make us humans are being ditched by choice so as to be that which we certainly do not want to be. And in an ironic twist, many spend the little time they have as themselves whining about stress, disillusionment and a false grandeur of reality. The moment of truth is this, are we bold enough to make those choices that will make us stand out from the crowd? Are we bold enough to take back our humanity as individuals despite the torrent of derision and contempt that is bound to be hurled at us? It is all about taking it back, and the power to do so lies in your hands.

Now, it may somewhat be construed as strange coming from me – an emerging victor over this neurological disorder, but truth be told that today I stand different and yet victorious, liberated and bold, not daunted in that which I am because the scars I bear are not self inflicted but signs that whilst I still struggle, my victory is sure and certain. The path through the valley may still come up but now I am more strengthened because I know that there is One whose report of me I still stand by and choose to believe. I am taking it back, and pretty much surprising even myself. Sometimes, the sweetest victories are usually savored after the hardest battles and to me this is one delightful experience that I deserve and intend to savor to the best of my ability. My favorite personal question is ‘why am I holding onto what I have in my hand?’ and I always find that when I let it go, I get back more than I had in the first place. These are truly the best days of my life and I am thrilled to know that they just began.

“You get that one chance; and damn it, you’ve got to take it! If there’s one lesson I know I will take with me for eternity, its that there are those things that might happen only once, those chances that come walking down the street, strolling out of a café; if you don’t let go and take them, they really could get away! We can get so washed out with a mindset of entitlement– the universe will do everything for us to ensure our happiness– that we forget why we came here! We came here to grab, to take, to give, to have! Not to wait! Nobody came here to wait! So, what makes anyone think that destiny will keep on knocking over and over again? It could, but what if it doesn’t? You go and you take the chance that you get; even if it makes you look stupid, insane, or whorish! Because it just might not come back again. You could wait a lifetime to see if it will…but I don’t think you should.” – C. JoyBell C.

Remember, life comprises of moments and as make our individual ways through life, the moments we cherish the most are those that we took back….if we missed them the first time. We either take them or we live to regret not taking them.

lמסתדר טוב עד שניפגש שוב בזמן שלו

Adios!

Unleavened Freshness….

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The freshness of YOU!

“Your perspective and confession in the face of events determines whether you are overcome or you overcome. Let your desire to succeed supersede your pain” – Doug Stringer

There is the freshness that comes with every waking breath and to me, I usually take that brief moment to thoroughly be thankful for the breath that I have, and right now I want to sincerely appreciate the hundreds that make the choice to stop by once in a moment and just listen to me. Now it goes without saying that I am just an ordinary chap like anyone of you but the difference is that I am making choices that continually remind me of the fact that regardless of what happens to me, who I am is a result of the choice I make in the moment.

The last few days have been something of a prelude to my theme – “I am having the best days of my life!” That is a choice I make and when I am grappling with the incomprehensible challenges of myoclonus, moments that can not be shared because pain can only be borne however just having a listening ear makes the burden just a mite lighter. Pain always and will always precede gain. The question is the wait – how long will it be? How much can I still bear but to as many that tussle with this familiar scenario, I have just these few words to say – focus not on the pain of the moment but choose to luxuriate in the inevitability of the truth; your pain is birthing your gain.

I was in the company of an exceptionally unique individual who has made a choice that governs his every day activities – Doug Stringer and every second I spent in his company was so inspiring that I said the least I could do was acknowledge and thank him for letting go of his own teeny-weeny priorities, so that God would rearrange and set them aright – blazing trails everywhere he goes. On the other hand, for many who like Scott, were raised up to believe that religion is not a pre-requisite for success – I say what a profound truth that is, because religion is a wagon whose wheels are so bogged down in the mire of tradition and resistant change. I say that there can be no success without identifying your purpose here and there can be no identifying that purpose without acknowledging He for whose purpose we all have been made. There is no room for religion here because religion has not played any role in who I have become, neither has it given me any panacea for my travails. What has been an unending succor despite all the pain, tears, depression that comes with myoclonus, has been an unflinching acceptance of a love so profound that even when I was weighed down and left for dead, that love lifted me and still does till today.

I share my story from the perspective of one who has been cast out, forsaken and buffeted – yet today, I can (have chosen to) freely give because I have freely received. My life is not measured by the wealth accrued, disbursed and whatever but by the beauty of every encounter I am blessed to have with people from my past, present and now.  In response to a question asked by Annette from Global Branding, my definition of success is the number of lives that you can assist in becoming who they are meant to be. In the last few months, I have given cognizance to the recognition that comes, not from desperately sought fame but the contentment that comes with understanding that we each have a purpose and that purpose is incomplete without touching a life here or there. Putting a smile here or there. Helping others realize that you are all you have got and once that truth sinks in, then let life chuck it all at you including the kitchen sink, you already know that there is a victor within you. Life comprises of moments and every moment is influenced by the choices you make because private decisions have public consequences, so my simple message to you is MAKE EVERY CHOICE COUNT FOR SOMETHING! Do it now, beginning with the simplest activities in your every day life – make someone else happy and glad he met you and you are certainly on the right track.

I have touched a freshness that cannot be tainted by the staleness of the negativity that so easily swirls round today’s world and that freshness sets me aglow each day because I know that my life shall be lived irrespective of the number of days but by the experiences I have had and will have – that is what makes you who you are. Do you choose to be transformed by the events that arise in your life or do you choose to transform those events into legacies that others will learn from? I truly have no regrets, sweating over the past mistakes and hurts took me nowhere. Rising above them and making them count for something positive is something so amazing that nothing can change it. Reach down inside you and realize that there is greatness resident within you, dare to touch that greatness and allow God use it to make your days count – there will be no regrets, I can guarantee you. Living for the applause of others is the most unworthy cause you can set for yourself, instead set your priorities right – God First, Others Second and bask in the exhilaration of such a worthy cause.

To those who are committed to being a stain and not a sparkle, make a decision now – the world is big enough for everyone and no matter how hard you may rehearse for a role, if it is not yours, you will always be a very horrible stand-in. Be you because there is just one you and allow the freshness of you permeate the lives of those who encounter you.

Remember “When a man has put a limit on what he will do, he has put a limit on what he can do.” – Charles M. Schwab

עד שנפגש שוב בזמן שלו, לא דגל לבן הוא אי פעם הולך לתלות מהמשקוף שלי

Adios!

….your perspective?

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Lift up your eyes

Looking UP

“You may not control all of the events that happen to you but you can decide not to be reduced by them” – Maya Angelou

I am fully recovered from my time with the Winchester 1200, the 91/30 Mosin Nagant amongst others and yes I am still dealing with the frosty displeasure of JOIV (for embarking on such activities, I understand and apologize) however I have and am fully committed to acknowledging that life is but a journey and today is the gift we will receive and so do what you have to do (the right things) because tomorrow you will have no regrets. Oh yeah, I do have to deal with the repercussions of subjecting this body to crossing the line that has all together become too close to me and yet I choose to go to bed each day, most times bruised and aching but nonetheless with a smile on my face.

I am still finding it extremely difficult to do an objective comparison between the health care I have received before now and the one I am receiving presently. Although the words – incurable, rare neurological disorder along side other big sounding no longer scary terms like ataxia etc, are still the same but they are delivered in such a beautiful and concerned manner that my convictions about never succumbing to whatever it is remains unmoved. I know countless many out there who either by ignorance or sheer helplessness have become victims and yet I am also acknowledging with thumbs up raised, those that have chosen to stay down in the trenches because whether the war is won or lost, you will always be a victor.

It is less than 72 hours since my last review with the wonderful medical team that I have been blessed with, and I know that whilst I may not know the length of time ahead, I am convinced that I am having and will have the best days of my life. That remains my choice and even as I battled to ease the usual anxiety that accompanies my every visit to the hospital or tried to explain to the harried nurse why she would never be able to take my blood pressure with the beautiful electronic sphygmomanometer, I steeled myself with the beautiful truths that I keep forever in my sights……surmised in the beautiful quote by Maya Angelou. Events are ceaseless and sometimes beyond our control but how these events play out is a thing that we definitely have control over.

One of the phrases/questions that has bemused me in the past days is ‘how are things looking?’ I love photography and one of the first lessons I learned was that whatever you can see in the lens is what gets captured in the picture and so when I lift up my eyes to the hills where my strength comes from (that is within my control, regardless of blepharospasm) then inadvertently everything around me has no other option but to look up. Now the picture of our lives is simply a reflection of what we have chosen to look at. Regardless of your physical and/or geographical location, perspective will always be defined by the choice you make with your eyes and your mind. Now correct me if I am wrong when I say those senses are still within your control, no matter how bad a condition you are in. I can recollect with clarity, the humorously creepy stuff we used to do whilst in high school – a friend of mine would tape his eyelids to his forehead in a bid to keep awake so as to study and would inevitably fall asleep with his eyes wide-open. Now that was a choice made!

And so even as I reminisce some of those days past gone, I realize that there were priceless lessons that have made me who I am today. Our purpose in life can only be attained when we refuse to be denigrated by whatever life throws at us because our choices, no matter how little they may be, will always count for something. Even if the FICO god has not heeded our supplications, there is One who is more than able to help us through whatever storm we are in but hold on a minute, we have to look up in earnest and in utter dependence on His ability to see us through and not just see us through but do so in such a manner that we emerge at the end (from the furnace/storm) with the best fragrance that cannot be fathomed by those who have given up on us and those who have made themselves silent spectators (#haters). 

“Every man must do two things alone; he must do his own believing and his own dying” – Martin Luther. For me, I have learned that no one else has plans that can completely encapsulate you, so why not make something out of what and where you are today. Not just for yourself (cos that would be selfish and small) but for the benefit of the one or two that will cross paths with you. Make each day a lesson, an example for others to follow in today’s world because even in the dungeons there is hope, if only you can but lift up your eyes and so I say that being of good cheer is a choice that you can make whether your cards are maxed out, your employer has done the unthinkable, your assets have undergone a name change and the bills are billowing all around you like a discomfiting dust storm. Remember that the night may be long and seemingly unending, but discover and nurture that which has been placed in you, hold onto it because surely the day will come and then if, and only if you have sown, wait because surely there must be a harvest. That too must come……

Remember “I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen.” – MLK

עד שנפגש שוב בזמן שלו, לא דגל לבן הוא אי פעם הולך לתלות מהמשקוף שלי

Adios!