The Loss & The Pain…

Wear it well

It’s still so unreal…31 days ago precisely I received a call with information that could have been phrased better (but semantics aside, we get to choose to be kind or mean, compassionate or manipulative). 31 days exactly and my life has forever been inexorably altered, not knowing how scarred I am, I do know I’m not the same person.

For 2 decades and 4 couples, I’ve always asked myself ‘what would Jesus do?’. Now I can’t seem to do that or mebbe my ears have copped out on me (something on this body seems to give in every other day currently) and I just need to be louder. He is sovereign (and was man too) and His reason for calling you home is not one I’d think of asking. Nonetheless, it’s pointless cos I know my mind lacks the ability to comprehend His reason but still I trust. As the veils start coming down, I still hear you say, ‘Edu, you’re my son. Everyone can’t be like you.’

Mommy, I tried! Wiped off the derision spat at me in the last decade, ignored the haters and toiled as much as I could. You represented the glue, you walked the talk even though you were far from perfect like everyone else. Mommy, I forgave cos I was forgiven. I addressed needs when I saw them despite your reproach, ‘You know you need all the money you can get!’ but I’ve always lived by a different set of rules anyway. You taught me to be kind and compassionate but you also made it clear, each life has its own path.

The friends I was contemptuously told would abandon me are still here till this day, and I’m grieving hard because I erroneously believed my heart couldn’t be broken, pandering to the false notion of machismo. Nose to the grinding mill, I persevered like the orphan with no one to call family. Through the darkness, there was always the flicker of a candle spurring me not to give up. Now the dam is breached, irreparably I fear and I acknowledge my heart wasn’t ready because even with the odds and limitations, I try to assuage the pain by praying you know that I really tried my best.

Mommy, you said fighting doesn’t make you a man but the truth is that as a man, you must fight. And even though I’m confident that He who began the work in you has perfected it,, why can’t this gnawing hurt and sadness ease so I can breathe? Even as I look at the unbalanced scale, I hope I made you proud. I hope you see the plans, God willing, I had for you. I hope that even as I grapple with your tragic exit, you’re alive in me. But even though I was able to tell you how much I loved you, it still doesn’t bring the relief I crave.

Your wings were ready, my heart wasn’t so I still struggle to give peace a chance, that was your final mission. And forgive me if I don’t turn the other cheek because I see how quickly the vultures and hyenas lie in wait. Know this mommy, the wicked will have no peace and for the sake of He who hath called me, I will yet look to the hills for strength and I pray that I’m not consumed by this unrighteous rage. Rest in peace because you earned it but nothing can fill this void caused by your exit, still I will trudge on and ask that you guide me lest I give in to the darkness that beckons to me.

Thank you mommy, for making me who I am and teaching me that knowing the ‘who’ will always trounce the ‘how’. Adieu mommy and rest from your labors. I love you but miss you more, Edu.

Yet life continues…..


Today I had to strike off a second name from my praying list, Debbie has gone to be with her creator and stands triumphant over ill-health, sufferings, anguish and above all the insensitivity of those who never ever have just that tiny room to accommodate another besides themselves. For me, it has been a weekend plagued by severe bouts of sciatica and lack of sleep and now I can empathise with sleep walkers just because their bodies are not in sync with their neurological system. Clawing my way through the webs of despondency that seek to keep me entangled, feeling especially the betrayals and hurts brought on by having to erroneously depend on another who clearly cannot share your situations and needs.

There is an Irish saying that goes thus

“May love and laughter light your days,
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life’s passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours.”

And in as much we all would gladly acquiesce to these words, life sometimes is more than just smooth sailing and when the gloom and despondency assails, what will our response be? I feel the hurt of letting people go, not because I have got a pool of available and willing hands but because it is a choice that has to be made, acknowledging that life is a solitary journey and what a pleasure there is when you can get but that one who is willing to walk some distance with you and whilst the pleasure may linger, there must come a time of parting. I take solace in the fact that there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother, and what glorious hope awaits me as I make my way wearily down this path strewn with so much rubble that every step looks like it just might be my last. However, I glance around and behold many who have had the gauntlet thrown down in their face and have eagerly conceded defeat without a thought of what their life might have been.

Amidst the anguish of the weekend, the memory of my LBJ fills my heart with strength and will to carry on because “Friendship needs no words – it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness.” – Dag Hammarskjold  I know that this tunnel is just that, and at the very end I can espy the glimmer of light shining through and despite my aching bones, I trudge on remembering to exchange words of hope to those that I am privileged to encounter because it is in giving, we receive. I know what lies ahead will make the present pale into insignificance but for the now, I brace myself with strength supplied from on High and plod on. Disregarding the smirks and whispers from those who wallow in their ignorance, the quickly withdrawn hands thrust out spitefully and the desperation of those who failing to attain the heights I have, now seek in absolute futility to pull me to the depths of their woeful existence.

I am being blessed daily with innumerable portions of joy and peace and I choose to acknowledge these, incomprehensible by those who stand with arms akimbo and yet I accept the company of the very few who are raised up on my behalf and to them I gladly extend my arms in warm embrace. So life continues, irrespective of how low I feel because mine is a life of purpose and fulfill it, I must.

Let us remember that we were made to live and not just exist.

פרידה עד שנפגש שוב בתזמון שלו עצמו